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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Who is it?

10 replies

RyVeeta · 13/09/2015 17:22

Usually post elsewhere so that it goes, but again am confused. Discussion today, somedays we seem to get on fine. I had said I was interested in the discussion but not in the construction of the argument, it's something I feel strongly about as he uses the construction of an argument against me.
Anyway, he was being a wee bit patronising and I wasn't too amused as he'd called me thick the other day (no, not outright, nor using that terminology). However, dd has a big day tomorrow and I didn't want a row, so teased him about bullshit and calling me thick. It really was a tease. This lead to him going upstairs, despite my apologies, because I apparently constantly put him down, bad mouth him to the kids, tell people he is ill etc. I have no idea where this has come from. I think it's another way of controlling me, but am at a loss as to how this new game works.
I know I don't like it. I'm not sure what I'm apologising for, although apparently he doesn't see it as teasing but as insulting. Okay, fair enough. I apologised, but he doesn't want that, he wants me to stop doing it. So, I can never tease? I always said he'd get me to the point where I thought I was going mad. I think he's almost there. I'm scared.
Background: His behaviour was so abominable last year and early this year that I was taking 18 year olds to their boyfriends houses to get them out of the way. He can be abusive but somehow doesn't see it. He is waited on hand and foot and gets everything he wants. He does have mental health and disability issues. One of his daughters thinks that it's sad that at 18 their boyfriends treat them better than their dad treats their mother.
I keep trying to make it work. I have made it work for over twenty years. I'm tired.

OP posts:
petalsandstars · 13/09/2015 17:31

It's him

Do you want to have this for another 20 years or make a different life without him?

RyVeeta · 13/09/2015 18:18

Thank you, that's such a relief.
I keep saying it'll sort, but it isn't. I'm getting on now (mid fifties) and I'm not sure I can keep putting my young adults (still doing A levels) through this.

OP posts:
tribpot · 13/09/2015 18:22

He can be abusive but somehow doesn't see it. He is waited on hand and foot and gets everything he wants.

Can you see how those sentences relate to each other? He doesn't want to acknowledge his poor behaviour and there are no consequences to him failing to do so. He has been treated as a king for 20 years, he behaves like a despot.

What's to figure out? it's hardly going to improve, is it? He changes the rules of the game and you jump to try and follow.

Set the rules of your own game. What's the point of this?

RyVeeta · 13/09/2015 19:14

I know. I've tried to make it okay. I will sort it, but it'll take me some time.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 13/09/2015 21:32

It's definitely him, OP.

Have you read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft? It might help you order your thoughts a little more.

RyVeeta · 23/09/2015 19:47

yesterday after a bad day, bit of a bicker because he was difficult with dd, but he apologised. He's started again today, we know he is in pain (he has a disability) but we've had years of him snapping at us when he's in pain. He's gone to bed again, I asked him gently if he wanted to apologise to dd, (he made her cry) but he said he wasn't apologising to anyone.
Dd is 19 and has started calling him out when he's out of order, she is also on the autistic spectrum and is intelligent and gorgeous but has a bit of trouble coping with life now and then.
I know what I should do, but I need help and a bit of reassurance and no bollockings, please!
Thank you, if anyone's there. I'll probably be fine tomorrow, it's been a tough few weeks with a new and rather exhausting regime in place (having to do significantly more driving, getting up earlier etc. etc.)

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 23/09/2015 20:05

What help do you need?

RyVeeta · 23/09/2015 22:11

At the moment just somewhere to sound off. I have stated very clearly that if he upsets dds consistently this year, he'll be living on his own, it's an important year for them and they can't get their heads down and concentrate if he is constantly causing difficulties. He of course blames everybody else, we are all unreasonable and gang up on him. He becomes contrite when he gets a bit scared, but I'm getting tired of the constant game playing, the confusion (is it me, how is it me, not being able to see that it's me). He is extraordinarily clever and yes, there are times when he scares me, not physically, but intellectually, yes.
God, is any of this making sense?

OP posts:
Dawndonnaagain · 23/09/2015 22:14

Sorry, just rattling on. I think I will need help in knowing when to draw that line, when to say enough is enough. ( I actually think his time was up two years ago, but I'm soft and that's where I need the help). Things also need to be done with minimum disruption. Dds however have stated that they are treated by their boyfriends better than I am treated by dh. Got to go, being guilt tripped about spending time together!

goddessofsmallthings · 24/09/2015 01:01

He's hard on you and the dc and you're soft with him? BIG mistake on your part! Harden your heart and stop allowing yourself to be guilt-tripped.

Disability and pain is no reason whatsoever to treat others with anything less than respect and if he can't behave with consideration for others, he needn't expect them to have any respect or consideration for him.

You know what needs to be done and your dc need you to do it asap.

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