It's my party and I'll cry if I want to...

[goldsilver]

Do you ever feel like you are getting a wake up call about life and people around you? As if you were asleep and then you have suddenly woken up?
Tomorrow is my birthday and yesterday I went out with my OH, my 18 year old daughter and a few friends. And really felt miserable :-(
Despite my OH saying how gorgeous and slim I am, we took some daft pictures on my phone and to me I looked frumpy, kind of overweight and old. Then I just couldn't understand why no one appeared to see this but me! Are they really seeing me differently or are they lieing? I have been referred to as a yummy mummy many times but I can't see this when I look in the mirror. I am about five foot three and weigh about 8 stone 11. Perhaps I am having a confidence crisis at my new grand age of 45 :-(
And then the scales kind of fell from my eyes with regards to my friends. I thought we knew a lovely older couple but certain conversations helped me to realise that actually they weren't quite what I thought they were and instead were pretty selfish and uncaring. Don't really need to go into the exact conversations but the talks revealed what they were really like. And a very close friend of mine, who I always knew was a bit shallow and had accepted that because she had been a good friend, showed last night just how materialistic and uncaring she could also be.
I hate judging people and would much rather see the light than the dark, the good in people but it was as if it was just smacking me in the face last night...the true reality and I really wish I didn't care so much. I wish I could be like a Buddhist and not attach importance to such things and just feel happy inside!
And then my OH. Something that has always stuck in my throat came up again last night. His mother, who has passed away, was quite a feisty lady. Her other son who is in his fifties and who has always lived at home, allowing his parents to do everything for him...well, she was having a go at him and he physically attacked her and had her up against the wall by her throat. This happened more than once. I wasn't with my OH then, he was still married. He wasn't there and I asked him if he confronted his brother about this at a later date, and he said no. And his wife at the time showed no concern. I could never get my head around this. And last night, through conversations, I asked my OH what he would do if his Mum was still alive and his brother abused her again. He said if he wasn't there, it would be pointless to do or say anything when he next saw him, because the impact would be lost. My OH is a very accepting and non confrontational but to me I feel that is cowardly and just simply awful. Not the way I would behave.
So I seem to be in a different place to my friends and to my OH (luckily, it was fine with my daughter! I am happy about that).
I still suffer from anxiety and agoraphobia and I have been trying in vain to get myself a better life and this has been so far without success. I just feel lost, depressed and alone.
Maybe I should join a commune or something!
Any thoughts? Sorry to be so self indulgent :-(

I love that Lesley Gore song...

Your post has bought a wry smile to my face as I lived in a commune and I wasn't sorry to leave. The inflexibiliy of the weekly chore rota, the endless house meetings.. a consensus of opinon had to be reached on everything from what brands of loo paper were acceptable to replacing furnishings/decorating/maintenance etc. All those wasted Thursday nights! Some of it was fun but it wasn't without pain as it wasn't quite the cosy supportive environment that I envisaged when I joined the group. At best it was a learning curve and an experience that must have done my soul some good (she said hopefully).

And those moments of clarity when we see others through different glasses to the ones we usually wear. The sense of heightened reality when we see the shallow materialistic individual, the selfish and uncaring couple behind their masks ... all human life is there and it is how it is as people aren't perfect but, nevertheless, for all their faults and failings they can still enrich our lives even if they only serve to make us feel superior to them

I have days when I know I look stunning and others when I think I look like the back of a bus and I pose in front of the mirror lifting an eyebrow here, and putting a finger under the chin there, and wonder if I should invest in a spot of nip/tuck. But then I think do I really need a face that looks as if I haven't lived and loved and laughed and worried and cared?

As for your passive oh, you or I may well have waded into his odious db after we'd heard what he did to his dm but what would we have achieved? Only she had the power to boot his violent arse out of her home and we might have caused the odious one to be even more aggressive to her after we were off the scene.

People are what they are just as we are what we are. And we have to find our own personal philosophy to enable us to come to terms with the fact that all things must pass - including ourselves - and that we may as well live this life with gusto as we can't be absolutely certain that we'll get another go on the karmic wheel that governs this earthly plane.

Happy Birthday for tomorrow and when you blow out the candles on your cake, resolve to make your coming year the best one yet.

I went through something similar just before I started the perimenopause.

I also had about four major traumatic events all going on at the same time, which ended up in me almost having a total breakdown. Sorry. Probably not what you wanted to hear.

It all resulted in me ending up divorced from my abusive Ex. But then he had been gaslighting and manipulating me for many years so when the scales started to fall from my eyes reality was a big shock. (Just about the time I discovered MN!).

Please take care of yourself.

Thank you to both of you. Does help :-) Just feel pretty down. Goddess, I can certainly see what you are saying, and sometimes we just have to accept (or do we?) but with regards to OH, it seemed so cowardly. Maybe not to wade in and have his own brother up against the wall but at least to tactfully say something to him...no matter when. What he did was unforgivable. And to think that if his Mum was still alive, my OH would still not say anything. I then ask myself, who am I with? Hardly Starlord is he?! And then I feel bad, because he is a sweet and caring man and loving and supportive. Oh, it's just pants right now. And I too am probably perimenopausal :-(

Fatrascals, yes, I think negative thinking is certainly a playing a big role here unfortunately. And I do see what you are saying. I normally do prefer to see the good points and not the bad. Perhaps it was just simply the whole thing, if that makes sense. So it was overwhelming. And I think in some ways, it was actually my OH and what he said that had the most impact. I had shiatsu in the morning...maybe that actually didn't help!

Actually my daughter just said something insightful...she said when I said, maybe it is just the way we perceive things, her answer: but we don't want to remain oblivious all our lives...

I generally accept what I want to accept and disregard the rest, otherwise I suspect I'd become severely frustrated with others and with myself.

Pants is ok for a while but it gets tedious if the mood lingers too long.

Make an appointment with your GP and get your blood tested to see if you have any vitamin/hormone deficiencies and that your iron/ferritin levels are within normal range and discuss whether a short course of anti-depressants will lift your mood and help you see life in more positive terms.

Fatrascals very perceptive response deals with the issue of how our perceptions can change according to our mood.

When I'm feeling in an expansive mood everything around me seems to expand - rooms become bigger, colours become brighter, people become nicer. But when I withdraw into myself my surroundings contract and if I'm feeling down I view everything and everyone through a prism of negativity which colours my outlook in one of the 50 shades of grey

As for your oh, he dealt - or not as the case may be - with the issue in his own way which, while it may not be what you or I would have done, may be due in part to his upbringing and the dynamic within his family.

I have a feeling that if his dm was alive now, he would be saying something because he'd have you kicking his arse until he did.

It's probable the morning shiatsu session helped you open the doors of perception which led to your relevatory moment that night.

Great thoughts Goddess. Love what you are saying and you are right. And yes, I would kick his ass! I always worry that my OH won't stand up for me and unfortunately that has happened once already. As for hormones and vitamins...yes, checked and low ferratin levels. Only 22. Could count for some of this. Need to build it up. Could be perimenopausal but of course, they can't say for sure. Trying to see the world in a brighter light today :-) Thank you so much for your comments.