Will I ever be how I used to be again? (EA related)

[TheMirrorOfErised]

I'm hoping someone can help point me how to be the person i was- i didnt realise i wasn't, until v.recently.
XH has left a horrible impression on me I think. It's ruining my Rship with my DH now (who I met the year after my DV).
I just can't stick up for myself anymore, with friends, family, or DH when we argue sometimes. I think I'm wrong, even if I know I'm actually right. I say sorry all the time, and apologise when I know its actually not me in the wrong. Even though the apology feels wrong, i give it just to end the row. I fall apart at confrontation, DH rants and I cry. Friends are bored of me now i think.
I left my XH over 10years ago. But met him at such a young age (15) and was with him for a long time I should have walked away but didn't for too long I think what happened has shaped my personality, and sucked out all the confidence that I used to have. I miss who I used to be, but just 'getting it back' is impossible.
I don't even know how it happened...I was a ball of excited, confident bouncy happiness when I met him, and looking back I was quite pretty too, but that's gone.
When we were together, he was a sinister emotional abuser, i cant even express properly how calculated he was. I could kick myself for not seeing it then being young, in love and totally fucking stupid
When i suspected him of an affair, he cried- and said i needed to see my doctor asap; that my DM's mental health condition must be hereditary, and was presenting itself now in me, with paranoia and delusions. He convinced me I was as poorly as my Mum was.
He had 'heart to heart' conversations with me, that he was really worried I was going to die young, because I had gained too much weight. Looking back, I was 5'6", and had gone from 9st to 10.5st. I wasn't even that big.
As it turns out, he was having an affair, and he had a baby girl with his OW when we were married. I wasn't ill. When the OW was undeniable anymore, he said he shouldn't have done what he did, but he was too worried to admit he couldn't bring himself to have sex with me anymore as i wouldn't address my weight gain, and he was trying to do the right thing and not hurt me by leaving me --yes I know I am pathetic for taking that-
I still didn't leave then, but instead ended up being prescribed mood stabilisers, then anti depressants. I stopped letting him have sex with me, because i couldn't stand him to touch me. After knowing he had someone else, I felt so low that I didn't want to be seen naked or to have sex. Ages later I went to see my GP because my periods stopped. To cut a long story short, it turned out that XH had been having sex with me when I was asleep, after doctor prescribed medicine. I feel like a fraud for being upset at that, because I don't even remember it. I only knew because he told me there was a chance I actually could be pregnant.
It's ironic, becuase the only reason I left, was because I thought I was having a baby, and didn't want a child to see what life was like at home.
I wasn't pregnant, just underweight and a mess at that point. But I got out and away, moved miles away and haven't seen the man in years now.

The problem is, I've spent so long feeling worthless, that now- even when I know I am right- I just can't stick up for myself.
Today, with my DH now, has made this really come to a head. I had a brew on my lap with my hand, reading some YouTube comments on DH's phone that he was showing me. He went to take his phone, I said 'hang on' but he didn't, and the hot cuppa went all over my leg, and soaked the sofa.
I shouted as it was hot, and said to him "couldn't you have waited?!"
He's gone on a rant, saying I'm an idiot for not holding the handle, and if I had been holding my drink properly it wouldn't have happened.
That's true I suppose, but I said "that might be true, but I'd hoped 'I'm sorry I burnt your leg' came before shouting at me for why I was wrong.

He said if I held my cup like a normal person does then it wouldn't be an issue. In my head, I know he's at fault for grabbing something out of my hand when I had a hot cup on my lap. But instead I'm apologising for not holding my cup properly.
I've just took off for a walk to think it over, and my head has popped a bit i think.
Once upon a time I would have stood proud and defended my right to hold my cup how I bloody well wanted to thanks very much. And not to blame me for your mistake. Now I just can't.
I don't know how I became so soft. I've been with DH for a lot of years, 3DCs, and he is a fantastic father, and a good man. We have a good relationship, but my past problems are making things hard more and more. I feel crushed every time we argue, because he rages and calls me names, which aren't terrible but it hurts me more than I think it should. I remember every insult and hurtful comment said to me by everyone. I wish i didn't take everything to heart. In our entire marriage, I've never called him anything offensive in retaliation or anger, because i know how much it hurts to be insulted.
I miss who I was years ago. I don't know how much is DH's problem, and how much is mine. Am just being over-sensitive?
Why do I have to be so soft? How can I regain a bit of fight and the forthright nature I used to have? I don't want to argue, I just want to be able to believe in myself and be able to get my point across when I think I might be right.
If anyone can give me any advice I would love to hear it and take it on board. Would counselling help my total inability to speak my mind sometimes, becuase I feel like I'm going to explode sometimes.
I thought things would be easier to get over as time passes, not harder. Does anyone know what I can do to get over feeling like this?
Thanks to anyone who replies, and I'm sorry for the really long post, i didnt mean to write this much x

Ok, first things first, no-one is the cocky, confident teenage person they were when they become an adult. Please don't hanker after her, you're you and that's great!

Secondly, I think you're right and your XH has massively shaped you and you have learned what to do to survive. If saying sorry stopped him abusing you for even a minute it would have felt worth it. That is natural (I know, I cheated on an abusive ex to make him hate me enough that he would stop pursuing me and I'm not a cheating person).
Your XH raped you, and tried to gaslight you so you didn't know which way was up, along with all the other cruel things he did. And yet you're alive, and that's amazing.
Now, maybe you feel more settled, so all this horrible feelings that you just couldn't deal with then, because they would have stopped you surviving, have bubbled up. I think counselling can help.
Have you ever called rape crisis?

As for your DH, you call him a great man and father, but also say that he rages and calls you names while you cry. Those 2 images don't go together. Nice men care if their wife is crying.
How much does he know about your past?

There's a saying I've seen on here - just because XH was a grade 10 bastard, doesn't mean you now should settle for a grade 8 one. By this I mean, if you put DH against XH, of course he seems lovely. But would it be the same if you could compare him to a great man?

You have a lot to deal with, and I think counselling can really help you. You have issues from XH to work through, then I hope you'll be strong enough to confront the issues within your marriage

I agree, no wonder you are not standing up for yourself if when you do your DH rages at you? That is enough to make most confident people stop arguing. Do you walk on eggshells around him? Have you considered it is him behaving badly, not you being unconfident?

Are you able to access any coaching or counselling as suggested by PP? It sounds like you would benefit from some real life support to help you make the right choices for the future.

I agree with the above poster - the damage left by your first partner is only part of the problem. Your current partner's poor behaviour is the current trigger. I really empathise with you - I also feel very damaged. But I think you are asking us why you are struggling to put up with low level abuse. No one should be ranting at you. The phone /tea issue shows no regard for you. Is he usually so on edge about you looking at his phone?

I thought the same as previous pps. Taking out your ex from all this, your current relationship is not good. Your husband 'rants' at you and calls you names. That is abusive in itself. You can't blame your ex for how your dh behaves now.

I'm afraid you've gone from one EA husband to another. It's not you.
Have you seen this post?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody?msgid=14219935

Thank you for replying to me, I fell asleep quite soon after posting last night as I was shattered and felt drained.
I don't think DH is emotionally abusive, we are going through a really strained time and it's showing in outbursts of frustration.
I don't walk on eggshells Squeegle it is more that he can't ever admit being at fault, and trying my make the obvious point makes my head hurt. Then when I make my point he calls me a dickhead and walks off. Then when he comes home, he just goes back to normal and it's forgotten about.
Oh I don't know

kittybiscuits it definitely wasn't about his phone, he gave it to me to read something he thought I'd find funny. There's definitely no OW, of that I'm certain!

AreTheOthersCrazy that's a really good point about once you've been with a 'grade 10 bastard'. I know DH is the only one at fault at the moment.
I'm going to get down exactly what I think on paper, and go see my GP. I think I maybe try counselling. Maybe DH should too, though I doubt he'd even consider it. He's had some terrible things happen in his life and never dealt with them, and there's only so far you can go with someone when you know they are hurting badly but won't talk about it.

trackrbird wow what a brilliant thread. So true, every word. Wish I had seen that as a teenager.

I think that being with a person who can't ever admit to being at fault is a nightmare. I wasn't making any assumptions about OW - I just wondered why he got so irate about his phone. You are spot on OP that only he can decide to help himself regarding his difficult past.

It's not normal to not ever be able to be wrong , or to call your wife a dickhead. I'd certainly consider that abusive.

Your ex was a cruel abusive bastard, and your time with him will affect you.
But at no point in your life should you have to stand your ground against someone who supposedly loves you but calls you names and rants at you after he's spilled tea all over you. A good partner would have been upset that they hurt you and been very apologetic. No matter what stress he's under he has absolutely no right to call you names, ever. You're not upset by his behaviour because you're 'soft,' you're upset because it's upsetting. If my DH ranted at me like that I would be sobbing, and I'm no softie.

I'm just getting to the point I'm tired of it, and the stress of knowing what I say goes unheard is giving me headaches. I used to just take it but now I know I can't, I'm questioning him. After him spilling the tea on me yesterday, then shouting at me because I pulled him up, I said "what is your problem?" And he said "You are. You're the problem" and if I stopped being a dickhead for once I'd see that. Then a rant about i don't do enough, and why don't I get off my arse and do something with my life. I cried and was shocked. I still am shocked.
Now he's not back at work til tomorrow afternoon, and today he's acting like nothing's happened. Just back to normal. He's tried to make light hearted conversation about random unimportant things today, and I just can't do it.
I'm really hurt, and he doesn't seem to consider that at all.

Has he said sorry?

He dumped all his anger on you, criticised you for no reason, and blamed you.

That's like a refreshing workout to someone who is emotionally abusive. He feels much better now. So you're getting the light conversation routine, because he feels fine: before long, you'll be expected to get over it, and criticised if you don't.

I know it you're not really convinced yet, OP, but this is much more than a rough patch. Good people just don't treat others like that, however angry or stressed they are.

OP, did you get any counselling at all when you left your previous H?

I think the Freedom Programme could really help you. There should be a course near you.

You don't have to feel like this. Like you're always in the wrong. Like you have to squeeze yourself into a tiny space and apologise for existing and having needs and wants. You're entitled to a life, and that includes respect and kindness from your H.

Have a read of Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It will help you change your thinking about your first H, and may open your eyes about things with your current H.

pocketsavior , no I didn't have any counselling after XH. It's strange but at the time, I really didn't need it at all. When I snapped and made him leave, I felt totally elated, free, and really strong and sure of myself. I was genuinely on a high, for finally seeing sense, and I didn't feel like I needed help at all.
I did go through a lot with him, but finally realising what he was brought me to my senses and I made him leave. It's now, years later that the dust has settled, I realise that I haven't dealt with a lot of the awful things that happened, and its impacting on my life now. Can a reaction be a decade late? I don't know.
My DH now, is a good man. He's loving and cares for me and our DCs. We just have some problems that I know wouldn't be as bad if I could be more upfront and honest about what I feel.
I can't talk about what I feel. When I have to talk about anything personal or sensitive, I literally can't get the words out. I can't speak. If I'm ever really upset, I take my pen and pad, and go upstairs or in the garden, and write what I feel, because I can't talk out loud, it won't come out.
I can articulate exactly what I think on paper, but I can't 'say it', if you see what I mean.

DH knows I have problems trying to say what I think, I just wish he would be more understanding.

Squeegle he has apologised. He's said he knows he was really out of order, and feels awful that he took it out on me. I cried because I'm totally drained with it all, and he said I'm totally right to be upset with him. I said I can't take it any more because I've done nothing wrong.
I've wrote a note (I write when I'm upset), and have said I would like him to go to counselling with me.