Should I continue with this younger man or is it a recipe for disaster?

[mrscleaver]

Way back when I first signed up to Tinder I started talking to a young guy. At the time he said he wanted a no-strings relationship as he is working full time, skint, sharing a flat and studying for his masters degree and can't put a lot into a relationship.

On the basis of that, plus him being a decade younger I turned down a date when he asked me out.

However, we stayed in contact and he became quite a friend. We chatted through my dates and his and he was always been a bit flirty and frequently asked me out, but not asking me for naked photos like most of them and we just got to know each other a bit.

I recently was a witness to an accident and was quite shaken up and he was really there for me, taking me through it and to be honest in many ways seemed more mature than the men 15 years older I have been dating. Talking to him on the phone that day made me feel safe and I decided I wanted to meet him.

I agreed to meet him finally and we ended up in bed together. Prior to that I was really just enjoying the attention and wasn't really thinking anything would ever happen but it just felt really normal when we were together.

He was very romantic, affectionate and we had a great chat into the night about something interesting and he's clever and I really like him. Also possibly the best sex I have ever had.

Compared to the men older than him he was more of gentleman, is not broken down by baggage, has bags more energy and he just generally made me feel fantastic.

He's too young for me I feel, I mean, I am a Mum with a child and own my own company and he is just starting out in life and shares a flat and goes on lads weekends and lives a very different life to me. That said he's not a young Romeo or anything - quite studious and I'd imagine not a lothario.

He has said he wants to continue seeing me and I don't know what to do. What he is oferring me is time together when I don't have DC, and he says he is happy with whatever I can give, dinner dates, cuddles in the cinema, him making me breakfast in bed, cuddles and great sex but not a relationship.

I do want to meet someone that's "forever", to have a family and hopefully another baby and he said he was fine if I kept looking.

I feel like he is being very honest with me, and in a sense I quite like the idea of a no-pressure affair but if I am honest with myself I want to see him, would actually like to date him if age / circumstances weren't a barrier and have taken quite a liking to him and I am not sure if i am making a mistake and will end up hurt or will end up hurting him.

Is this asking for trouble and should I knock it on the head?

I know maybe it sounded like coming across as deperation but it's not that - since my last LTR finished I have dated quite a few people and one of them wanted to marry me (he ws great) and have kids / raise mine but I didn't feel he was a 100% right match for me so declined and he moved on with someone else now - I'm definitely not going to grab at the first offer and will be careful and slow about it because I ant to find someone that truly makes me happy and feel completely right - I m just being more selective than I was before and trying not to get embroiled with people I feel have no future and end up wasting 1 - 2 years.

That is a lonely road though!

I keep ending relationships with people if I feel they are not quite right and I am not sleeping with men I date unless I feel it has a future. I used to go with my heart and it got me nowhere so am using my head now. I know it's sad, but I just feel like wasting 1 - 2 years here and there with people I know from the start won't be a lifelong match seems like it takes away my chances of being with the right one.

Maybe you're right and FWB would take the pressure off me and the edge off the lonliness but as someone said upthread I am the type of person who could not be on the lookout for someone else. I'd just find it too confusing.

I know I do have a family, but I suppose having another adult to share it all with would be amazing and this was always what I wanted most in life...a few kids around the breakfast table and sharing it with a partner.

I have done well work wise, and travelled and had a wonderful life but I do feel pangs of wishing I just had met the one.

You don't sound needy- you sound clear in what you want- and why not?
This bloke isn't what you want.

I think maybe I am both. Clear in what I want but at the same time really lonely! Wish I was one of those amazing women who felt fantastic being alone but I really miss someone being there at bedtime. I'm not a solitary animal!

No, he's not what I want. There's a chance we might fall in love...but it seems like a lot of obstacales/ diferrent wants and needs

TBH, I think most of your objections could be overcome, but if you are 37 and want another DC, and he is 27, and wants to wait, that's pretty insurmountable

That's the crux, isn't it. You've already been led down the garden path with the last one the shit

And what's with the needy/lonely thing? Not necessarily, you just want a viable relationship, that's all - like most of us! Doesn't make us needy/lonely.

You have to be practical: he's not it. You're worried (a bit) about hurrying his feelings but look what's at stake here. You can't afford what is clearly not a safe bet, clearly advertised as the opposite of what you want.

Take it that is possible to click very well with a man but the next one has to have that AND what you want too.

• worrying about hurting his feelings

Feel a total idiot now really.

I texted him last night saying I felt it was best we didn't see each other again and he replied that was fine. I suppose I really sent that text to test him.

Over the past six months he has been, without being pushy, steadfast and what he called "quietly determined" to be with me. I asked him if he just wnated sex and he said, "no, I want dinner, drinks, cinema, day trips, making each other breakfast" and fun basically with the understanding we both knew it was not forever.

So I suppose he finally got me into bed after all that hard work he put in convicing me the above arrangement would be amazing, and if I'd have sent that text before I slept with him, he absolutely would have said, "I think we should meet and talk" or something along those lines.

When he just said "fine, no problem" it basically proved that he did only want me for sex.

He's basically been completely persistent and quietly determined for six months consistently and now he's had me in bed once all that quiet determination and persistence is gone miraculously in an instant.

Me being hurt right now is probably exactly why I am not fit to get into situation like this. I've not got a tough enough shell!

OP, there is nothing remotely idiotic about how you have behaved. Far from it. Sounds to me like you have been sensible, considerate, clear, and have had some fun along the way.
I'm sorry about the hurt you must be feeling, though. Be kind to yourself

Hear hear Shrew!

Dust yourself off lovely. It hurts like buggery but at least the decks are clear for future viable relationships . Lucky him whoever he is

This is good news op- otherwise you might have spent the rest of your 30s dithering over an unsuitable man.

he may be feeling hurt too but no way he'll show it now after having sex with you and being dumped - goes both ways (the hurt). Male pride and all that (sme women would also pretend there is 'no problem').

I suppose that could be the case. Hopefully anyway.

You'd think at my age I'd not be so easily bruised by being wanted for sex! If it were a friend I'd be telling her well done for being chased by a 27 year old for so long and having great sex (about 10 times) so I will try and re-frame the whole thing to feel a bit more positive and less rejected.

Anyway, will take the advice and dust myself off. I'm not built to be a casual sex partner, I just get too attached and it would have been worse down the line.

Thank you lovely ladies

Nothing to do with age imo.

Some years down the line I am also flattered and heartened that a gorgeous young gorgeousness itself man lost his loins related heart (temporarily) over me. Hurt a lot at the time (long story - he thrashed around a bit in his unrequited ardour and brutally dumped me) - bloody hell, I was bed-bound for a while. I've completely forgotten all that now, though. It's like a story.

From his point of view though, after you've spent the night together you can't get rid of him quick enough and then text him to say you don't want to see him again...

Maybe. But he knew and she knew what she wanted.

Don't feel sorry for him now op. The stakes are high, he knew the score.

OP, I'm confused. You spent a long time telling him that nothing would come of meeting; finally gave in and had a few drinks, before shagging him and seemingly kicking him out soon afterwards; you've sent him a text message telling him that you'd like to end things and yet YOU'RE complaining that he's accepted your rejection?!

I'm sorry, I realise you're unhappy at the moment, but you really do sound like hard work. It seems as if he's been open and honest, supportive, thoughtful and non-pushy. He's even accepted your knock-back with grace.

The idea that you texted him a rejection to 'test' him is game-playing of the highest order and, frankly, the kind of behaviour that deserves to back-fire.

Why do people find it so hard to just be straight with each other?