Living a lie and need to be totally honest somewhere

[Trurouge]

DH and I have been married for 10 years and in that time we've had 3 kids. I also have a DS from a previous relationship. DS no.1 had never met his father until around this time last year (he was 13 at the time). His dad had been in prison and well it's a long story but he was not in the right place to have anything to do with DS. The meeting was initiated by DS getting intouch with his paternal aunt over FB. I wasn't happy but allowed DS to meet his dad under my supervision. DH and I weren't in a great place at the time and this only really compounded the situation. Again, long story short I started meeting DS's dad on my own and quickly one thing lead to another. In January this year I found out I was pregnant and there could only be one father. I was totally honest with DH and we decided together to keep the baby and stay together. As the pregnancy has progressed I have become increasingly worried about people's reactions. I told MIL who took the whole thing really well and my parents are very supportive. I just worry that DH is going to struggle to bond with baby, due in 4 weeks, the same as he has with the others, including my eldest. My eldest hasn't seen his dad since Xmas and both of them seem happy with that arrangement. It's the practical things I worry about like DH not being on the birth certificate and people coming out with the age old comment "oh doesn't he look like his dad". I know it's all my fault and I'm really not looking for sympathy just needed to get the whole truth out somewhere.

Are you frightened that he actually hasn't accepted it at all and he's going to kick off if he inadvertently makes a comment like that and it is picked up on?

Did he say that by accident, or was he twisting the knife a bit?

Did your friends already know? Because if they don't, I think it's a bit odd that they didn't say something with confused innocence about the vasectomy not being 100%?

But anyway, surely that conversation shows it's no big deal? He slipped up, no-one questioned it, no-one died.

It still looks a bit like you're the one willing a drama here. Like involving your 14yo.

You've successfully turned your husband into a cuckold and you seen fixated on making sure everyone knows about it. Nobody needed to know about it , not your son , not your mil, nobody.

If anyone knows your dh had a vasectomy and asks, you just say " yes, but we're so happy to have another child" and change the subject.

If anyone is crass enough to keep on, say " we are fine with it, and I don't want to talk about it,and if pushed - no we won't be seeking compensation:) Anyway, Brenda, how the diet going? " or something.

There doesn't have to be drama. Just shut people down nicely. They don't really care anyway, tbh, they have their own lives.

You aren't living a lie

You've told the most important people who have (amazingly) accepted it without much grief it seems.

What you're trying to do now, and I have no idea why, is simply airing your dirty laundry. No one else needs to know the details. It's none of their business.

You have said that the baby's biological father will have no involvement in its life. Your husband is kind and grown up enough to bring up this child as his own so despite the circumstances of its conception the baby's real father is going to be your husband. Why can't you just accept that and move on like everyone else seems to have done? Sometimes when we do something really wrong there is a huge urge to confess not because it is the noble thing to do but simply because it makes us feel better. Perhaps this is your motivation? Clearly for everyone else's sake it's time to let it lie.

Maybe I have a better knowledge of how my husband reacts to things and this is something that I haven't portrayed very well on this post. I most certainly don't want to go out of my way to announce to the world 'our dirty laundry' but I also don't want my husband kicking off somewhere when something is innocently said e.g. Does daddy want to cut the cord? And hubby in his frustration turning round and saying " well you'd best find him and ask him". My DH's nickname has always been Eeyore and he has a habit of making others feel uncomfortable with his reactions. I agree that it is in no way anyone else's business but like I say, worry that DH will flip out at some unsuspecting person when we least expect it. As for my 14yo, he had already had to learn that his biological father had been in prison for over 10 years, that he hadn't really changed in the slightest and that he had 6 half siblings he knew nothing about. I could see no reason why adding to the lies etc was going to help in any way whatsoever. He is extremely mature and we have always had a very good relationship. When would have been a good time for him to find out? Cause these things always do, somehow.

I think what you've done with your son is emotionally incestuous. No 14 year old should be involved in the decision making process stemming from a parent's infidelity. If your concerned that your husband really will say things like that you really need to rethink it.

But you said your 14yo was involved in the decision making process?!

I agree that I'd have told a boy of that age that the new baby had the same father. Just because he's got an arsehole of a father doesn't mean it's easy for him to hear that his mum nonetheless let "one thing lead to another" (there's a bit of a lack of ownership, I think) and has added another child to this man's feckless unwanted brood. But better to be honest.

But DECISION? Perhaps a careless choice of words.

Your husband has a caution for presumably violent behaviour and you're still scared of him.

And you cheated on him. Here's a judgement on that: we don't usually cheat on men that we love.

Are you sure you should stay with a man who you are frightened of, who you don't love, who doesn't bond with his kids, and who people describe as Eyeore? I'm not seeing a match made in heaven here.

To be honest people's opinions on how/when/why I told my 14yo are completely irrelevant to me. It is something I felt was the right thing to do and only I could make that choice. Others may not understand but others don't have a relationship with him. It may be something that comes back and bites me on the bum in years to come but there again so could not telling him. When I say involved in the decision making it was only a case of I needed to see his reaction to the pregnancy and DH and I carrying on our relationship. I saw his reaction and acted accordingly, end of.

Can you move away to another area.

I sincerely wish that life was as black and white as is being suggested. After some rough times my husband and I love each other very much and I accept his flaws just like he accepts mine. I am by no means scared of him and if I was some of the choices I made earlier this year would have been a whole lot easier. Moving away as tempting as it can sometimes be is not the answer lol

I've lost track of the point to this post now... You, admittedly made a bad decision which resulted in a baby, and your perhaps hot headed (is that a correct description?) has for the time being agreed to be he babies dad. This is unbelievable news, if for any reason you worry about this, all you can do is try and keep the lines of communication open. He may well have a wobbly and decide actually he can't do this, but you will have to accept this if and when it happens. It's a very intense situation to suddenly find yourself in and he may feel better not talking about it for now. Men sit react the same way to things as women, if I were you I would be thanking my lucky stars that I have a man who is willing to love another mans child.

I don't doubt some form of therapy will be of use to you both!

That should say men don't react the same way as women...

You've already said that your husband doesn't want people to know because he thinks people will pity him. Therefore it's unlikely he's going to make the sort of comments you say your worried about. He's hardly going to be advertising the fact his wife was unfaithful and he's raising another man's child.

You have done a terrible, terrible thing to your H. One thing led to another is the crappiest self justification ever, as if you had no control over your behaviour. He seems to be willing to forgive you and accept the child as his own which is incredibly strong and magnanimous of him. All he asks of you is that you keep it a secret. But you won't and haven't. You need to take a really good look at yourself. You seem to feel that he is in some way in the wrong and that you are being oppressed but you have behaved incredibly badly and still are.

For the well being of your children, at least, please will you get some counselling, both for yourself individually as you seem to be both self destructive and destructive of those around you, possibly because of your previous abusive relationship, and for your marriage because you and he need to start behaving like normal people who love each other and support each other and try not to hurt each other nor all the people around them who suffer the fall out from this dysfunctional situation.

I think you are looking for problems where, on the surface , there are none. Which suggests either you are lying to yourself or enjoy the drama of the situation.

You say you are very much in love and accept eachothers flaws. But you don't accept his, you describe him as ruining things because he speaks without think (or maybe caring). If he will say things in the delivery room like 'well you best find him and ask him' , he hasn't accepted your infidelity.

He wants to keep it secret so is unlikely to say something that brings it out in the open in front of strangers. You don't want it to be secret, so that wouldn't matter to you anyway.

He talked about having the snip, was that in front of people who know? If so there is not point pretending in front of those people. If not, he obviously isn't going to keep it a secret and you have what you want.

I can't work out whether you think your dh hasn't accepted this and think hebis going to use it against you and keep punishing you or you are looking for problems where there are none.

You say you can't talk to anyone, but eveyone you know, knows.

And I do agree that you don't seem to be taking responsibility for your actions.

One thing didn't lead to another, you chose to meet up with a man behind your dhs back. A man who had spent most of your sons life in prison and had no interest in being a father to your son.

You say you're living a lie. But the people closest to you have been told and apparently accepted it.

So the only 'lie' will be to people outside the family. I think you need to be clear about who should know what, when and why? Eg when to tell the child. I wouldn't have thought anyone else needs to know tbh. Have a vague stock answer for any awkward questions.

I know a man in his twenties who was brought up by his stepfather. Everyone but him knows it's not his 'real' dad. I don't think families hold secrets like that any more fortunately but no one thinks any less of anyone involved.

Is the problem more between you and your husband? You say he didn't bond with his other children. That has to be an issue surely.