Lying husband......DD now aware of something

[nearlyhadenough]

I posted on here some time ago regarding my H who is a total liar. In October he told me he had lung cancer - no symptoms, medications etc. He cannot prove to me he has cancer. I know he hasn't got cancer - I have seen a letter from a consultant referring him back to his GP as there was nothing wrong with him.

Anyway....... he has obviously told other people about his 'illness'.

He was away for an event and DD was there, she had a conversation with someone who made a comment 'he has worked so hard on this event - and he is doing it all when he is not well'.

DD is now asking me what is wrong with her dad...... I don't think I diffused it well, and she says she needs to talk to him.

I am Fu&*(ng furious.

Want to scream, shout and lose the plot completely. What the hell do I do now? I am in the process of planning to leave, awaiting the sale of a property to release some money (sale agreed in the last 2 days!!).

Not looking for answers really........ just needing to rant and rave.

Oh Gosh. I don't even know what to say but I think I remember your previous thread about your husband.

I don't know what you say to your DD. On one hand she can't think her dad has cancer, when he doesn't, how upsetting would that be? And even harder for her to ever understand that her dad is a lying hypochondriac because that would be a total head fuck. And she'd never trust him (or probably you) again. Or worse,she'd start copying her dad thinking this was normal behaviour.

Sorry I've know advice, but I just wanted to offer sympathy. I'd be raging too.

How does your DD feel about you splitting up? In fact does she know anything about that?

I think I remember your previous freds, too, but can't remember: how old is DD?

My gut says if she's 8+ some level of "sorry, your dad's a liar" wouldn't be the worst outcome. Far better than, say, her feeling this conflicted by being put on the spot on a regular basis.

I am, however, keen to hear from wiser women than me.

DD is 21 - and no, she is not aware that I intend to leave.

Her age makes it easier - she can have a conversation with her dad and make her own mind up. I will never be horrible about him to her - but I will NOT lie about his 'illness' to her.

She doesn't live with us - she was here this afternoon and when he came home I made up an excuse for me and DD to go out.

Stupid man.

I remember your previous thread, is he still insisting he has cancer?

I don't think you can let your DD think her DF has cancer, honesty on your part might be the best bet. If I was her I wouldn't want to think both of my parents were lying to me.

If your DD asks you outright you really do have to be honest and voice your opinion that he's lying.

She is going to be heartbroken that her dad could lie about something so serious like this and she will need to turn to you as an honest 'constant'

Personally I'd tell her the shirt version and warn her you're not happy in the marriage.

Or the short version might be better

Why not tell her to ask him?

She's 21. I think you should be honest with her. You could tell her that you think her father is unwell but it's a mental health condition that means he is convinced there is something physically wrong with him. Tbh I think that would be better than calling him a liar. If you do your best to present it in a neutral light (hard I know when you're angry and frustrated with him) she can make her own mind up. But she's not stupid, you can't hide this from her. If you're serious about leaving him you should consider telling her that sooner rather than later too (although not before you tell him).

I think I would be reluctant to tell that her father was unwell but with a mental health condition. It might seem initially to be a kind thing but she might just see that as her mother 'deserting an unwell man in his hour of need' etc. (If it's true, that would be a different matter.)

I'd just tell her the short version of the truth without labouring it. Maybe a little uncomfortable but ultimately honest and cleaner.

cozie I read it that he is a hypochondriac which I thought was a mental health issue. Sorry if I've got that wrong.
Also I don't see why that makes the OP look bad for ending the relationship - clearly there are lots of reasons for ending it and she can say that to her daughter without going into detail.
Anyway I think we basically agree that she should tell the truth but as briefly and objectively as possible.

Just to add, from I got the impression that it's hypochondria rather than "just" emotional manipulation, because he is actually going to medical appointments - which means he must believe something is wrong. I do think he is mentally unstable tbh. His behaviour is wrong but it might help the DD (and maybe the OP) to think of it as his problem rather than being personal towards them, if that makes sense?

H had a need to go to the GP a year ago because he was losing weight rapidly for no reason, he was referred to the hospital for investigations. These led to nothing and he was given a clean bill of health before being handed back over to the GP.

He is not a hypochondriac - he is a pure out and out liar. He has been lying throughout his life.

I do agree that there is a mental health issue though.

My DD and I left it that she would speak to him. If she comes back to ask me any-more I will be honest and tell her what I am aware of (weight loss, hospital appointments, all clear). I won't accuse him of lying - she is able to make that connection for herself.

she is an adult

just tell her the truth, fgs

let her form her own opinion about what a fuckup her father is