A thousand reasons why he's not good for me... But I can't get him out my head :(

[Shouldknowbetter2015]

I finished a relationship (of almost 2 yrs) earlier in the year. He had turned from a lovely P into a moody, verbally aggressive man of whom I was a bit scared. He had MH issues in the past & was clearly having some kind of breakdown. I finished it & went NC. However I have seen him to talk to in the past week. He is getting help but was so, so down. He was lovely to me. He looked so sad. I felt sorry for him. I remembered the good times. Then I keep forcing myself to remember how bad I felt when I finished it. I'm 43, divorced, 2 dc (not his). We didn't live together. I KNOW he's not right for me. But I'm STILL thinking about him ALL the time. Help me see sense!

Being sorry for someone is one of the most alluring feelings you can have, in my own experience.

How exactly did you 'see him to talk to'?

He was pucking some of his stuff up from mine. Nothing happened. We just talked. I cried when he left, then got annoyed at myself!

Anyone??? Please help me. I'm feeling so down about it this morning.

Just distract yourself with something else for the rest of today. Call a friend and arrange a lunch or get in the kitchen and do some batch cooking, or go shopping or running or for a long walk or something.

It's natural to miss someone, even if that someone was horrible to you but it's vitally important that pity (all part of an abusers script BTW) shouldn't be in the driving seat when common sense dictates that this relationship is over for good reason.

Hello should, didn't want to read and run.

Agree with PP, feeling sorry for someone has an abstract way of making us feel better about ourselves somehow. And I suspect that's the crux of the problem. He made you feel needed, wanted. And it's natural to think back to the good times, otherwise you have to justify staying when you should have walked away long before. And now he's looking all sad and dejected and you can make it better again... Nope.

Be very hard with yourself now. Why do you want to be with someone who you're scared of? Moody, aggressive. What's attractive about that? Would you want your daughter to be in a relationship with a man like that? If you haven't already, please look into the Freedom Programme- you deserve better and maybe you need help to recognise that.

Until you can value yourself, you are in danger of either going back, or of repeating the pattern.

I'm a month out of a 13 year relationship/marriage that if I had been able to see clearly and value ME, I would never have begun. I'm finding pleasure in my own company at last and peace in my head and heart.

Please don't waste any more time and tears on this guy, you're better alone than in something that makes you so sad

Hi locked & married - thanks for replying.

Yes, he did make me feel wanted & desired at first, very much so. I've always craved physical attention for some reason & he gave it to me in bagfuls. And you're right, I definitely WOULD not want my DD to be with someone like that. And he made me feel sad and anxious all the times. I felt like I was cracking up too.

But he played the part so well. I just don't understand it. However the fact that he just let me walk away without a second glance/apology for his behaviour makes me realise that he really didn't care. Plus, he was so nice this week, telling me he had so many problems & didn't want to drag me down with him. How do I know whether that was real or not??? Because that's what has re awoken my feelings for him. Wrong, wrong, wrong. I know. I'm going to take dog out & take ds to a party where I will catch up with friends. That will take my mind off him for a bit! Thanks again.

It was real- him moaning about his life without you and guilt tripping you. But where was the concern for you and your feelings? Quite.

My ex told me he couldn't live without me, he loved me so much, will always be there for me blah blah blah.
We've spoken just once since he went. He was telling me how tired and busy at work he was. No interest whatsoever in me and the impact his leaving has had.

It's not what they say that counts, it's what they DO.

Have a look on the threads about narcissists!

Your day sounds great, relax and enjoy it

These moody aggressive arseholes always have a nice line in the martyr stakes where they put on a wistful face while telling you they chose to nobly struggle on alone as they didn't want to bring you down with all of their problems... to which the only response is 'Great to see you're coping. Bye'.

You rescued him once and once should have been more than enough to teach you that it was wasted effort on your part.

That's exactly what it was like! It was all about him: his MH problems, how shit his exW is to him, how crap his life is etc etc. tbh it was very draining... But I still desire him. I guess I need to keep thinking about the bad whenever I get a wistful thought in my head! You have a good day too :)

Back again, sorry. I saw a friend I hadn't seen in while this evening & she told me she'd seen my ex & how he'd told her we were over & how it's just one of those things. She said he seemed really sad, but obviously he doesn't want me anymore as he's never come back to me & told me he's even missed me or anything. I know this is a GOOD THING but it still hurts my heart & still upsets me. It's been 14 weeks & I still want him. I'm useless I know :( any words of wisdom to snap me out of this ridiculous rut I'm in, PLEASE????

Your friend thinks he's not interested because she has not seen him crawl back to you. This doesn't change anything and should not upset you. Not being desired by a headcase is no great loss.

Work on your self esteem so you don't misguidedly crave a horrible man to make you feel good about yourself.