Sad about family dynamics.

[ThePonyFormerlyKnownAsTony]

Hi, not sure this is the right place to post (and I do tend to kill most threads so won't be offended if this one dies immediately) but I'm just feeling really sad.

I've realised that I value my family much much more than they value me.

My family went through a phase of having get togethers (with stepsiblings and spouses) without inviting me. This really upset me but my mum just brushed it off when I mentioned, she'd say it wasnt planned, people just turned up without invite and all happened to be there.

This seems to have stopped but I'm still acutely aware of the lack of contact from my family. I always make the first contact, sometimes one of my siblings ignores me, sometimes replies.

The thing is, I have nieces and nephews who I absolutely adore but never see because my siblings don't involve me.

They just cancelled on me and my lack of surprise but also my sadness has made me realise I just feel worthless.

I think it'd be easier if I had my own family but I dont.

I feel like there's nobody in the world that would be bothered if I wasn't here. Nobody would actually notice for a good while infact. (I'm not suicidal).

Just... What do you do, how do you cope when you realise you dont matter to anybody, even the people that you're supposed to after to, unconditionally?

Sorry this is long (and on my phone so sorry if spelling/grammar mistakes).

Sorry, 'after' should say 'matter to, unconditionally'.

Sorry to hear that! Do you have good friends? You can't choose your family but you can choose your friends.

How old, roughly, are the nieces and nephews?

No, I'm really really happy around them. And it definitely isn't because I wouldn't be interested in child friendly things, they know that I love the kids and would do anything with them. It's the kids I'm mostly sad about, I just feel like I'm missing out on their lives.
Only one of them has kids (toddlers) so it's not really that I'm the odd one out not having children, I honestly just think they're not that bothered about me which I actually can't be sad/annoyed about, it's just one of those things, not everybody likes everybody else. I just really miss the kids and being involved in family things. I had to work last Christmas, I don't even remember getting a Happy Christmas text. I think I'm being petty though because I'm sad.

No, you're not being petty. The fact is, these days, people are generally speaking, not very empathic on the whole. You get exceptions of course, but from what I've observed both in my own family and other peoples families, most are really interested in themselves and lack the capacity to walk in another's shoes.

If, like me, you're a sensitive soul, it can be very, very hard to deal with. And, if like me, you spend a lot of time wondering where you've gone wrong only to scratch your head and know that, actually, you didn't then the most obvious reason for this lack of 'other,' is quite simply, they're not thinking about anything else except themselves, their needs, their plans and so it goes on...

What to do? Well, think about envy, jealousy and general sniffiness first. Have you got a better job/house/ money whatever than them? If so, green eyed monster maybe? Or think about how you come across; do you actually do stuff that's interesting/exciting/ challenging/different even? If you can rule out envy and jealousy then its likely to be that they're just self absorbed.

Nothing you can do about that except get used to it and accept it for what it is and don't blame yourself. Most people are self absorbed. Its just that you're not and that make you the exception rather than the rule. You should be proud of that.

Children are often involved in the minutiae of life in their own family when they're young but that doesn't mean that they won't recognise you as part of their family network when they're a little older. Just keep on sending those birthday cards etc and they'll come round eventually. (It may be a few years, I know, and that is a sadness but I don't think you can force these things.)

Well done for working at Xmas by the way. Many people have to and the place would collapse if they didn't! I always spare a thought for those people who are putting in the Xmas hours and I doubt I'm alone in that.

Thank you all, I'm feeling a little better now. I suppose really, life just gets in the way sometimes, I just really miss them and know I'll regret not having the opportunity to see the children more whilst they're so young. But, such is life. Everybody's happy and healthy and that's what matters the most

The only thing I can suggest is that you start initiating contact around getting to know the children - maybe say you'd like to babysit/take them to the park/take them to a children's show or something when they are old enough. Ask them for their suggestions.

Or don't just send a card/present - say you want to bring it round and can they fix a date. Ask parents for their opinions on what to get - maybe offer to get something that you could do with the kids, like a mini gardening kit or an arts project or cooking kit, and offer to do the activity with them so that its a bit of a win/win all round. Offer to make the birthday cake. Whatever you think might work for you/them.

Or say you'd like to see the family but don't want to make them get sitters or go to any trouble so you'll bring a takeaway.

I think when kids come along everyone's lives are turned upside down and it takes time to establish new dynamics.

My family are rubbish and leave me out of loads of stuff so I know what it feels like and how important this is.

Good suggestions.

I can really empathize with your plight 'cozietoesie' I am the youngest of 5 and have had very similar experiences to you over the years.

BTW do you live near the rest of your family or are they scattered about the country as that can have an impact if say you are some distance and the rest nearby then it is likely they may see more of each other. Obviously if you are all in the same neck of the woods then I think it is plain rude. Are you close to anyone particularly that you could talk through your feelings with without them talking to everyone else or maybe your Mum (sounds like they are all very unware if you are always smiling around them). You might be surprised they might be v. taken back and be more considerate once they know you are feeling upset. It is worth a try at least.

I have found the best way for me is to manage the situation I had other issues one being my eldest sister (right pain in the bum) at one point she had a lot of power in our family (much less now). She capitalized on it especially with me which I found v. painful but in recent years I have learnt to grow a thicker skin, brush it off, ignore her and not discuss anything of substance with her or my other sister. I have also changed in my attitude and have good local network of friends who have been v. supportive. If you can learn to have other support networks around you that really helps as you then become more detached.

the other advise is that you can't change them only you so if you want to have a relationship with them all then you may have to do the running. They will have different priorities (as suggested) and different needs to you. So you may want a strong bond but for them it is not so important.

Hope that helps