Stories of repaired friendships please

[tban456]

One of my closest friends has fallen out with me and I want some positive stories that given time things can repair themselves. Reason for falling out is that for past year I have been going through a really stressful time at work, which combined with some self-esteem / self confidence issues changed me from being very carefree and relaxed to a very needy, demanding friend who was paranoid that nobody liked me.

I am hopefully over this and have learnt a lot from the experience but said friend, who i really value as a friend, is understandably very wary of me. I haven't entirely been cut out but things are quite terse and just about everything i do or say seems to wind her up. I would keep out of her way but we work for the same company and share a lot of mutal friends so are often in the same place.

I'm hoping that as we share a lot of good times history, and if i can demonstrate I'm back to my old self, she will eventually start to like me again. Unfortunately in the meantime I find it very hard to see her sharing news and making plans with other people and leaving me out.

Well I was going to offer my story, but instead I'm going to say this:
Why do you want to friends with someone who can only be your friend in the good times? That's not a friend, not a true friend. True friends help you through the hard times as well as share the good times with you - this woman is not one of those.

I'd mentally downgrade her to an acquaintance and find some new friends, ones who have more depth than a piece of paper.

I dunno Thumbwitch, the OP has been quite honest about her needy and demanding behaviour.

OP - just hang in there, and if you do get the chance to apologise to your friend briefly yet genuinely for your poor treatment of her, take it. But avoid any drama at all costs.

Well the friend who I repaired the friendship with put up with a LOT of needy behaviour when I was going through a lot of shit - which proved that she was a real friend, not a paper one. She hung on in there despite highly repetitive conversations about my ex fianc?? and how, why, wah - she was ace. Proper friend.

If you can't cope with people being "needy" when they're going through shit, then you're not a proper friend.

I've recently had to cut a friend out.
I've been through a pretty tough time over the past few years and, at the beginning of the summer, she decided to tell me all the things that were wrong with me.

To be honest, i didn't disagree with some of the stuff she said initially; I do find it difficult to let people get close to me and I do have a zero tolerance approach to shitty behaviour from men.

However, she took that as a bit of a green light to run down pretty much every aspect of me, who I am, my personality, how I live my life...

Unfortunately, she also implicated some other friends in this.

I was devasted because I considered these people to be my only true friends.

As an upshot, I have nothing more to do with her and give the other people a pretty wide berth.

To my mind, if they think so little of me, why pretend we're friends?

It is hard though.

So after all that, I agree with Thumb. Downgrade her and find new friends. But that is easier said than done.

"I'm hoping that as we share a lot of good times history, and if i can demonstrate I'm back to my old self, she will eventually start to like me again. Unfortunately in the meantime I find it very hard to see her sharing news and making plans with other people and leaving me out."

All right, working on the principle that she's not a piece of paper, let's look at this bit by bit.
You've worn out her compassion bone with your paranoia that no one likes you, your neediness and your demanding behaviour.
You're finding it hard to see her making plans with other people - can she see that? Does she realise? Because if there's any manifestation that you're finding it difficult to handle, then she will just see more neediness/insecurity. And her compassion bone is worn out with you, remember.
You want her to like you again - needy.
You are trying to demonstrate to her that you are back to your old self - needy.

The ONLY way you stand a chance of her deciding that she wants to spend time with you again is to leave her well alone and make new friends (added bonus: some of them are bound to genuinely like you as a whole person, not just a good-time person). Demonstrate that you couldn't care less that she's not including you in everything. Show that she's not that important to you, that she isn't your crutch, that you have other friends and other interests.

At some point you might apologise for any overly demanding needy behaviour, but NOT NOW. Too soon and she'll just see it as a "please like me again, why don't you like me again, I want you to like me again" thing (needy).

Hope that's a bit more helpful.

Thanks Thumb, your second message is really helpful. I've already aplogised for my awful behaviour, which was when I realised just how fed up she was with me.

One of my friends fell out with me and we were very close. We didn't speak for over a year. It was really hurtful. We're good friends again now and both of us regret not getting in touch earlier.

If you're close friends you should be able to talk to her about it and she should accept you were having a shit time.

Life is too short to fall out with people you care about. If she doesn't care enough any longer then life is too short to have shit friends in it.

Yes OP. I fellout with my best friend about 5 years ago, we went through uni together and we were so close we were like sisters. We both did some stupid stuff, both acted quite selfishly and fell out in a spectacular way. We live in different countries so not talking to each other was easy. But I went onto Facebook one day to message her and found one from her in my inbox.

I missed her wedding and my first flight to see her was terrifying in case we argued again and I was stuck in foreign country but actually it was like we were never apart. After talking it through on night We slotted back into each other's lives.

All you can do is apologise as you have and move on, showing her that you are back to your old self. But I would second others if she wasn't there when you needed her do you really want her now?

Me and one of my oldest friends had an epic falling out.

This girl had done so much for me. And I was in a bad place and said some unforgivable things.

After about 18months, my DH reached out to her (by that point she as both of our friend) and now we've repaired it. And I'm back to being the friend I should have been, and am working on building her trust again.

TBH this "friend" of yours doesn't sound a friend.

In my situation, no one knew how bad I was inside, so she just thought I was being a bitch for the sake of it. Not because I was in self destruct mode.

I was very close to someone who started a relationship with an absolute twat. I stuck with her through it all until she emigrated with him and we lost touch. About 5 years later she contacted me through Facebook full of apologies - her partner had turned out to be hugely abusive, forbidden her to be in contact with me and turned her life in to a nightmare. I accepted her apology and despite being on the other side of the world we are close again.

Anyone worth your friendship should accept an apology and understand how hard it can be to make that apology and own your behaviour .

and if i can demonstrate I'm back to my old self, she will eventually start to like me again. Unfortunately in the meantime I find it very hard to see her sharing news and making plans with other people and leaving me out.

Are you sure you're back to your old self? If it's bothering you seeing her make plans with other people, I mean.

I try to work off the principle that I want people in my life but I don't need them.

You're giving her too much power, OP.

I had a friend who I thought I was being a good friend to and tried to be there for her. We too both work for the same company. I have taken a step back from our friendship as she was needy but also very jealous She was often rude to me in front of others and deliberately putting me down and then claiming she was joking. She hated me having any other friends at work and was actually trying to poison my other friendships and turn other colleagues against me. When it came to a head she admitted she was jealous of anyone else I was friends with and apologised in floods of tears. I found it quite creepy and have since been polite but have kept my distance. I'm not suggesting that you have behaved in the same way as her OP but for the posters who are saying she can't be much of a friend I just wanted to point out that there are sometimes two totally different sides to the story.

I was getting v v annoyed with a friend of mine, my only real friend where I am. I started uni and basically didnt see her at length for a long time. Then when I did see her again it was quite nice, and she didnt annoy me any more. I never voiced anything, nor addressed any issues. I just needed a little break from her.

OP - she doesn't sounds like she's worth bothering with.
i just don't think she's worth it.
sorry.

Op, your friend is a fair weather friend. Who has been a friend to you when things have been hard for you? Concentrate on them. Maybe get them some flowers and listen to them, and worry about how they feel that you still value someone who fucked off and left you to it.

I think you want timer life to be as it was. It won't be, so move on and embrace the people who were there. If no one was, embrace yourself and be be very kind to yourself, book a spa day and get some good books:) you might meet a nice woman who is also enjoying a day alone and needs a nice friend.