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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Family events if you have gone nc

20 replies

CookieDoughKid · 12/09/2015 08:33

If you've gone NC with certain members of family. What do you do about family events? Dh's brother due to get married. We have been NC for 5years with his dad's side of family. And for very good reason....due to sexual abuse of our dc. It was one perpetrator in the family but this kind of thing divides family. We have gone NC with 16 members of family.

I'm internally hugely still angst and angry and can't forgive dh's brother for sticking up for the family perpetrator. At best - I'd like to think his judgement is clouded as 'its family'. Dh is asked to be best man.

Do you just not go to these events? Or you go and keep separate? I won't go but I'm hugely incensed to think we should/are to be involved.

OP posts:
BuntyCutler · 12/09/2015 08:44

I absolutely wouldn't go in those circumstances. I won't go to family events in the future with my family either.

fuctifino · 12/09/2015 08:48

I don't go to family events after going nc with my twin sister 10+ years ago, so I wouldn't go.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/09/2015 08:59

You as a family unit do not attend any family events, NC is precisely that; there is no communication of any sort or attending any family gathering. You have reason to be no contact with that side of the family.

queenoftheknight · 12/09/2015 09:42

I am NC with my immediate family of origin, and go to nothing.

It isn't fair, as I don't have a problem with most of the extended family, but my immediate family are too dangerous to go near.

It is worst with funerals. I can't say goodbye and pay my respects to people I have been close to in the past.

I would plan something fab to do. I had to miss a cousins wedding, and my dd and I went and had a makeover, with champagne and all kinds of loveliness instead. Silly, but It helped.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/09/2015 09:54

First of all I'm really sorry this happened to you; under the circumstances I doubt anyone would blame you for going NC

Considering the brother's defended the abuser it's perhaps unfortunate that he asked your DH to be best man at all. I get the thing about olive branches, but there's a risk that your attendance would send out "it's all forgiven" signals

On the whole I agree with PPs that NC means just that; thing is, what's your DH's view about going?

FrancesNiadova · 12/09/2015 10:20

Cookie I am NC with my MIL, BIL & SIL; the 3 of them are totally toxic. I've only seen them once in 8 years & that was 5 years ago. and once too much
They are not mine or my DC s problem any more. If DH wants contact, it's up to him, (2 texts in 5 years). I've always said that you're dead a long time & if he wants to see them that's up to him, but it does not, ever involve me & the DCs. I won't even have information about us; what the DCs are doing, our health, photos, anything, shared with them.
So, you are NC with this IL for a very good reason. If your DH wants to go, then that's up to him, but it does not involve you, you are not discussed & photos of you are off limits too.
They're his family, let him make the decisions & deal with the fall-out whilst you step away from the toxic mess that they are. Flowers

Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 12/09/2015 11:26

My kids are fast growing up. They'll be able to look after themselves. They understand what went on.

I am afraid of my dh's mental health. I think he would feel very torn on not being first man. I think dh might try to cave in and go to the wedding and bring our children with him. Currently, we have agreed together that dc's won't be involved or see his side of his family for safety sake. Other family are very happy to be around and have their children around the peodophile but it's something I can't stomach. Child abuse is very black and white to me. I've since learnt a vast majority in dh's family don't think the same.

I'm afraid of the future and that it could split us up. I'm afraid that my children will be compelled to be drawn in and have a relationship with this family to let 'by gones be by gones' when my children become adults.

I'm also keenly aware that it may be unfair to let my feelings and principals be imposed on my children when they are adults and old enough to look after themselves. Today, we are ok. It's the future I'm most afraid about.

Thank you for your responses and experiences. Which I take comfort from.

OP posts:
Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 12/09/2015 11:27

Best man not first man, sorry!

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/09/2015 11:50

I wouldn't worry too much about how your children handle this when grown up - by then they'll be able to make their own informed decisions and will also be better placed to speak out for themselves

For now, though, they obviously need protection and any suggestion that your DH would prioritise keeping the family happy over the childrens' safety would worry me a lot. What exactly did you mean about concerns over his mental health? Is there a history here of him appeasing, or being manipulated by them?

Badders123 · 12/09/2015 11:55

Your dh wants to go to a wedding where the abuser of his child will be?
Wow.

HearTheThunderRoar · 12/09/2015 12:15

If your DH wants to go then thats his own look out but you should definitely not feel compelled for you or your children to attend especially under those circumstances.

It's so tough though isn't it? I'm NC with my brother and his wife as SIL is toxic and said some god awful things after my DH died which I will never forgive her for. My brother is a total arse who has used and abused my parents his whole bloody life starting from childhood.

I last saw them in June at the scattering of my dad's ashes for various reasons he had to come (he's still in contact with my mum + other things out of my control). It was awkward as hell and I managed just to keep my cool for my mum's sake. I didn't / couldn't even talk to SIL and only made pleasantries with my brother (he's just bearable). My other two brothers are also NC with them, so we just scattered the ashes with SIL and brother and then went back to do our own thing.

I just ignore them at other family events like weddings and funeral and just hope to dear god they don't come and speak to me. SIL is too much of a coward anyway.

BoneyBackJefferson · 12/09/2015 20:54

I can't get my head around why you are nc with various members of the family but not the brother.

Given that he has invited the members of the family that you are nc with I don't see why you (or your dh) would want to go (even if he is best man, and I can't get my head around that bit either, sorry)

FrancesNiadova · 12/09/2015 21:01

Sex offenders are very rarely unknown to their victim(s). They spend years grooming not just their victim(s), but also their families. In the case of Ian Huntley in Soham, he groomed the whole community.
By gones of this nature can never be forgotten. The man is not safe around children. As their mother, you are going to have to tell DH, "No," to any type of contact.
DH is the one who relays that message to his family, that's not your bag.
DH + (DW x DC) IL' s= sh!tstorm
Take yourself out of the equation...
DH + ILs = sh!tstorm

Same answer, just that you don't get bruised in the middle, & why should you?
Keep your DC & yourself away & safe from this man. You have not been groomed by him or his enablers. It is for DH to deal with, not you.
Flowers

Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 13/09/2015 00:12

Boney - The reason why we are still in touch with dh's brother is an emotional. Dh and brother shared a close childhood. Personally, if I never saw his brother again, I would not miss him at all. His brother and I had a massive spat because he couldn't understand why he needed to know about the crimes that went on and that I was unnecessarily labelling this family member a label (a paedophile) that I had no understanding of and unnecessarily a criminal. Yes he said that. On email. I've kept it for my children to read in the future.

On the whole, dh's brother is a decent bloke, I really couldn't fault him. Except on this one issue that we completely disagree on. And that is what floors me.

Dh has asked me to be gracious to his brother - and hold an olive branch as he can't be happy unless his brother is in his life. So I have obliged. I treat his brother at very far distance. I don't involve him in our family life unless absolutely necessary, I send a Christmas card and I see him at our children's birthdays/Xmas but other than that, he is not in my life. He is in Dh's life and they talk and if it makes Dh happy, then I feel I need to let this one lie.

Hear I wish and I hope I could have your dignity and maturity at these events. I KNOW I will have to do this one day and be in your shoes at funerals etc. I just don't know that I have it in me to be silent (I'm just way too gobby and very likely to be thrown out at a funeral). Partly because of anger - injustice really despite a police conviction - and partly because I want to shake the heads of everyone of this family and say on my soap box that you have hurt me and my children. Maybe the best thing is that I just don't attend.

puzzle My concerns of dh's mental health. He's grieving for the loss of his large family that we are nc with, and even the paedophile whom he grew up with. Even though they are still alive. To have them all ripped out quite suddenly is painful. And it's guilt. Guilt that dh may never see his parents again.

OP posts:
Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 13/09/2015 00:13

Francis Agree - out of the equation is the way to go!!

OP posts:
Cheesybaps · 13/09/2015 08:31

Has your DH thought about how your children would feel about him socialising with their abuser?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/09/2015 11:31

He's grieving for the loss of his large family that we are nc with, and even the paedophile whom he grew up with

Yes, I completely get that this will be painful for your DH

We're all different of course, but I'm like you in that some things are just too terrible to be overcome, with NC becoming the only way. After all it's not as if you're NC with all of them ... and surely it's right that your childrens' safety comes first?

Imbroglio · 13/09/2015 11:59

Has your husband had counselling or other professional support?

What would your husband like to happen? EG Would it be enough if his brother was able to acknowledge what happened? Is this something he could try discussing with his brother to explain that its a dealbreaker?

In your shoes I would be extremely uncomfortable about him being best man as this would give a message about the relationship which could lead to more attempts to 'reconcile' and hook your family back in. Maybe he could attend just the ceremony - gives a message about supporting the brother while keeping a distance.

DrMorbius · 13/09/2015 12:11

Someone sexually abused your DC and your DH is thinking about going to a party with the people who supported (him)!!!!!!! tell DH to have a word with himself

in situations like this people are either with you or against you tell your DH that there is no mid ground.

BoneyBackJefferson · 13/09/2015 12:16

cookie

I think that you are doing the right thing in being nc and keeping the children away, I can sort of see where your dh is coming from, but IMHO he is wrong in going to the wedding and is giving out wrong signals that there maybe a time when the family can be reconciled.

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