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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Have I overreacted or is DH a haemorrhoid?

23 replies

IsHusbandAnArseBarnacle · 12/09/2015 05:01

DP is one of those 95% great guys with occasional selfish tendencies. He has form for being a thoughtless twat and staying out really late/not being contactable. I have anxiety and waking up at 4/5/6am to find him not home from "a few drinks" has made this worse.

He doesn't do it often but once is too often imo to treat your partner so shittily.

Tonight he went out after work. We spoke on the phone and I semi lightheartedly said "Dont be really late and don't get rotten drunk*. He said no way, it was just a drink. I put DC to bed and had an earlyish night. Woke up at 4.15am to find him not home. Tried ringing him but no answer. Eventually he answered and was obviously pissed.

He got in at 4.30am. I remained totally calm and asked him to sleep on the sofa. He got arsey and I told him it disrespectful to tell your partner one thing and do another. If he'd sent me letting me know he'd so much later it would have been enough to stop me panicking.

So apparently I'm being a drama queen and it's perfectly normal to stay out till 4am when you have two small DC and a Saturday to do list as long as your arm.

Ordinarily I would take MN advice and go out for the day leaving him with the kids but we're skint so not an option.

Is he a dick or am I being a shrew?

OP posts:

petalsandstars · 12/09/2015 05:23

No need to spend money surely

petalsandstars · 12/09/2015 05:31

He's being a twat

goddessofsmallthings · 12/09/2015 06:10

Tell him that next Friday you get to go out and stay out as long as you want leaving him to complete Saturday's to-do list while looking after the dc on his own.

Scoobydoo8 · 12/09/2015 06:41

Act sexily this evening, lots of groping and cuddling, would he come to bed early tonight wink wink then when you get to bed tell him you are tired and need your sleep- as it's fine to tell someone one thing then do something entirely different without considering them or their feelings.

Aussiemum78 · 12/09/2015 07:02

If you're skint how can he afford all that alcohol?

I think you should vacuum and give the kids noisy toys at 7am.

Or go out. It's your turn to have time off today.

Heelsdown · 12/09/2015 07:02

Well you might be skint, but he's not.

kittybiscuits · 12/09/2015 07:09

I think some of the pretty bad advice on this thread demonstrates how challenging it is when someone who is supposed to care about you completely disrespects your boundaries. Does your husband have alcohol issues? What IS the situation regarding equal access to money? Is the 5% of the time he is selfish and inconsiderate towards you something you are willing to tolerate?

XCChamps · 12/09/2015 07:22

If it's a rare occurunce them I dont think you should have told himnot to be late and not to drunk, once in a while that's his choice and if you hadn't imposed those conditions he could have just said don't expect me til very late and you wouldn't have needed to worry. Whose to do list is it? Are they things you want done or things he wants done iyswm?

But

He should have told you your conditions were unreasonable and that he was going to be late

How could he drink so much if you're skint? Unless it was a paid for work do or similar, he wvu. If it was then it's only right he made the most of it.

Fairylea · 12/09/2015 07:24

So there's no money for you to do anything but clearly he spent a fair whack last night?! How does that work?

He's a selfish arse. But you know that already..personally there's no way I could be with someone who goes out with mates often until 4am when you have small children, little money and a to do list. I did all that in my teens.

Original poster

IsHusbandAnArseBarnacle · 12/09/2015 09:14

Thanks all.

It doesn't happen often. But that's no defence. It's not on.

I didn't arbitrarily impose rules on him XCChamps. I asked him not to make it a messy one as we both have stuff to do today. And because he has form. I don't that that's unreasonable.

What is unreasonable however is promising you won't do anything to compromise 1. My trust and 2. Our plans and then doing it anyway.

Apparently he made pints last and people bought him drinks. Which smells like bullshit given that it was someone else's leaving do and that DP is a high earner.

I'm not usually skint at the end of the month but I have donated and bought a lot of stuff for Calais and Greece in the last few weeks making my balance lower than normal.

He doesn't have a drink problem. He just occasionally has an asshole problem.

I brought DS down when he woke at 8am. I then made breakfast for the baby and tea for us both. As I carried his to the coffee table he, not seeing that I'd made him one, snarkily said "Tea for one is it?". I walked back to the kitchen and threw it down the sink. Wankstain.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/09/2015 09:21

What do you get out of this relationship?.

Why are you really still together?. Do you want your children to think that his behaviour is at all acceptable to you?. Currently you are showing them that it is acceptable to you.

Patchworkpatty · 12/09/2015 09:29

So YOU are skint but he is not ? You also refer to him as DP not DH. Tread carefully OP, are you financially protected re property/equal share of assets should his 5% poor behaviour ever increase to a level you found unacceptable ?

LumpySpacedPrincess · 12/09/2015 09:31

It doesn't happen often but it does happen. Sometimes, maybe several times a year, your dh is an ass. It's up to you if this is okay or not.

Patchworkpatty · 12/09/2015 09:32

Just seen that your thread title refers to DH.. Ignore previous post, not wearing my glasses ??

FlatcapnWhippet · 12/09/2015 09:38

He's a dick.

Don't get angry, he will just be sheepish for a while.

Get even.

Only then will he fully appreciate how fucking inconsiderate and inconvenient he has been.

I wouldn't go as far as a Saturday afternoon coffee with your pals escalating to a long weekend in Amsterdam (if money is tight you could stay at a friend's and have a home spa weekend) but if he is like my DP nothing will bring it home until he has to cope.

TendonQueen · 12/09/2015 09:41

Go out, take a book and sit in Starbucks with a plain filter coffee where you get free refills for a few hours.

Original poster

IsHusbandAnArseBarnacle · 12/09/2015 09:50

Thanks all. I'm paying very close attention to your posts.

I get a lot out of the relationship but admit that it has changed a lot in recent years. We haven't had sex in a long time. Mainly because of me. I'm 90% I don't fancy him anymore.

That said we get on as well as ever on a day to day basis, have shared interests, are great parents together and have a nice stable life as do our DCs. We don't fight or sulk at all apart from these rare occasions when DP does this .

We're not married (I guess I was afraid of being told off last night for not protecting myself ). Truth is, I've never wanted to get married. I have been a SAHM/part time worker for years. DP is self employed and I'm a secretary for the company so I get a wage through that. But I've just started a course which will lead to me being able to start my own long desired career next year. DP has been 100% supportive and has paid all the fees upfront so I don't have to worry about that. I have very supportive and comfortably off parents who I know would help me financially if I needed it.

I've been thinking a lot about us separating. For at least the last year. I just can't seem to conclude that things are awful enough to merit putting the DC through it.

Another thing worth mentioning. My anxiety used to be tied in with me worrying that he was being unfaithful. Last night and recently in general I don't think I'd care if I found out that was the case.

Not good is it?

OP posts:

rainbowstardrops · 12/09/2015 09:53

No you haven't over-reacted - he's been a prize arse wipe! I'd be bloody cross too! Where on earth was he until 4.30?????
Jeez, having a night out and plenty to drink is one thing but this over-steps the mark.
Can you go out next week and stay out til silly o'clock and see how he likes it? Otherwise, I'd go out this morning and leave him with the kids and the to-do list.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/09/2015 09:54

He's being a dick, clearly.

He knows you have anxiety, he knows that you don't like to not know where he is, and he chose not to contact you, nay, to LIE to you about his evening out. Even had he actually meant it when he said it, as soon as it got past normal "being home time" he should have just sent you a text to say "staying out later, see you in the morning" and chosen himself to sleep on the fucking sofa!

That's what normal considerate partners do. Let you know, and don't wake you up in the small hours.

If you're seriously thinking about separating, and he's not bringing you a lot of joy, just more anxiety, then I think that says a lot about the state of your relationship :( - perhaps you should have a proper chat about what each of you is getting out of this and how you should go forward.

Original poster

IsHusbandAnArseBarnacle · 12/09/2015 10:00

Exactly ThumbWitch all I needed was an update.

I'm not controlling. I want demanding that he be home by midnight. But going off radar is what triggers my anxiety. He bloody knows that. And he either didn't think about that or did and decided not to get in touch. Either way, it's inconsiderate and selfish.

OP posts:

Newtodating · 12/09/2015 10:14

My exdh used to do this approximately once or twice a year over the time we were together.i am so glad I don't have to put up with that shit anymore.not much help op but know exactly how you feel.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 12/09/2015 10:22

It's completely fine to say that you don't accept your partner staying out until 4am without telling you and ruining himself for family responsibilities for half the weekend. It's fine to say you don't accept that ever and not controlling.
If a person wants to behave like that they have to make plans to be far away from their family and have no responsibilities the day after. It's completely achievable as long as it is negotiated with the other partner and each partner gets the same blowout time.
Anyway, you don't actually want to be with him do you? That's a perfectly acceptable reason to end a relationship. It's better to do it when the kids are younger especially if you think it's probably going to happen at some point down the line.

Hoppipolar · 12/09/2015 10:47

What he did was selfish, there's no question about that.

However, you don't fancy him anymore etc so it sounds like you are just friends who co parent. I think you'll probably leave but not until your stable in your new career which he's enabling you to do. This makes you equally as selfish imo.

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