Confiding in a friensd or inappropriate?

[Lelania]

I have a male friend who I've known since university - 15 years. He's been with his girlfriend for the past 3 years and I love her. We get on really well and I see her one on one occasionally as well as hanging out with the two of them and my boyfriend.

Recently my male friend has been having doubts about the relationship and has been confiding in me. We've been friends for so long and nothing has ever happened - there is no way there's any sexual motive behind this but reading some threads on here has made me wonder is this inappropriate? There's no doubt she'd be upset if she read the conversations because I can see sge adores him. FWIW I have been telling him i think she's perfect for him. I think he's just freaking out because he's not one for commitment and she's the first girl he's considered settling down with.

I know some women in here have been devastated that their partners discussed their relationship with another woman. On the other hand I think my friend needs someone to talk to who won't judge him and he's been there for me many times in the past so don't want to stop supporting him just because we happen to be of the opposite sex. If it was a female friend I wouldn't think twice about discussing the relationship.

Is it OK to talk to male friends like this?

It's fine to talk to male friends about this. But you have picked a 'side', you are Team Him and not Team Her. That's alright, but when they split you will likely lose her as a friend. You've known him for 15 years, though, so this has probably happened before?

She'd be upset if she read these conversations whoever he was having them with, I think - I take it there's nothing in it when he (for example) compares her to you, or tells you your boyfriend is really lucky to have you, or anything that is covert flirtation?

I agree with broken, you shouldn't be telling him she's perfect. No one is perfect. It's reasonable to defend things she's done and said, or to say where you think their relationship seems positive, but no-one knows anything about anyone else's relationship.

I think it's okay to have a platonic relationship with a man, and for him to confide in you. He obviously trusts you.

It's fine to have a platonic relationship with a man. I have several male friends, who I trust implicitly. It's fine to discuss anything and everything with them.

If they do split up though, you are in a difficult position. You may find it difficult to remain friends with them both. And it may be difficult to speak so freely with her if you've been dissecting their relationship with him, IYSWIM.

No covert flirting at all. It's really not like that.

I haven't picked a side as such. It's just a long standing friendship and if push came to shove my loyalty is to him as we've been friends since we were so young.

I know no one's perfect. But she's so lovely and we'll suited to him. I think he'd have these doubts no matter who he was with. He's just scared of settling down.

I get what you mean about my friendship with her. I'm still friends with one of his exes though.

Ok. I'm just trying to emphasise that I'm not sitting thrte slagging her off ...

Ok. He did ask for my opinion on how if they were right together though. I also told him I'd support him I'm whatever he chose to do, which he knows already. I think has he also been unfairly harsh in some instances and not appreciated some things she has done for his sake.

Maybe you're right. It just seems such a shame though and she'd be devastated. It would be a waste.

I mean for my male friend. I hope he can get over his thing. I think she's unaware of his feelings at present. He should probably tell her though.

Also thanks for the reassurance from everyone that I'm not doing anything wrong in talking to him about this.

Be careful I found out my stbxh had been confiding in female friends about our problems as a way to test his chances of getting a leg over with them . He went on to have 3 one night stands with these so called joint friends and it became the talk of the pub as they all gloated to there peer groups that inter linked . It was a very difficult time for me and other friends within the group .. I would just change the subject next time.

It doesn't sound like that's the situation here, mrscookie. The guy has known the OP for years and there's no sexual undertone to their conversations. Your STBXH sounds like a prize turd, however. Clearly unaware of the 'don't shit on your own doorstep' mantra.

Lelania, in my experience some people appear to be commitmentphobic when actually they're not with the right person. I have one friend (male) who was with someone for years, said he didn't want children or to get married. I think his gf hung on for ages hoping he would change his mind - he didn't, so she left, and within a couple of years he was in fact married and he now has two children. Did he change his mind? Maybe. But I think he probably just wasn't honest with his gf that she wasn't 'the one'.

Equally if he doesn't want to settle down, that's entirely up to him. He should, however, be honest with his gf about his feelings - it's one thing to confide in you whilst he's getting his thoughts together, quite another for this to be a long term situation where you know he's not happy / planning to leave and she doesn't.

I think you should confine your role to that of sympathetic listener rather than giving your opinion on their relationship. As others have said, no one knows the full truth about other people's relationships. BTW have you shared this with your own DP?

He's really not trying to shag me - I think he'd have tried long before if that was what he wanted. I don't think he really registers that I'm female to be honest!

Try dp knows we've been talking about it. I don't keep aspects of our friendship secret from him.

I also agree that this can't go on longterm. If he really is unhappy and wants to leave he should do so rather than tall to me about it.

Him telling you all this will make it awkward next time you all meet up won't it? You knowing he's not sure and her being the same as usual. And if they stay together she might discover he confides in you about private couple stuff first which could create problems.

How long has he been asking your opinion for? She might be great for him, but is he great for her? Personally I wouldn't comment on her suitability for him as you don't know what he or she is like in a relationship. He should be talking to her anyway.

The only thing I'd be telling him would be not to string her along and make up his mind sooner than later. If he's not sure after 3 years I doubt he will ever be.

Apart from that I'd keep it to questions such as
Why do you feel that way?
Shouldn't you you be discussing that issue with her? Here are suggestions to approach it.

In fact, the other thing I'd be telling him was that he should be talking to her and working on communication and whatever issues they have.