My mum's Bi-polar disorder is driving us apart

[Ripeberry]

Hi, My mum is Bi-polar and has been all her life.
She is also agrophobic and all through my childhood i basically had to do everything for her.
She kept me off school regularly so we could go "shopping" and from the age of 7yrs i had to go down the local shops to get her cigarettes and wine. YES! this was in the 1970's.
Whilst i was growing up she regularly tried to kill herself by slitting her wrists or taking overdoses of her pills and of course this made me very protective of her and at the same time guilty as she was making me buy things that could affect her health like cigs and alcohol.
To cut a long story short, i'm almost 40yrs old now and have 2 young dd under 5yrs old and for the last 2yrs my mum has been in and out of the mental hospital in a "manic" state.
She has used up ALL of my dad's life savings buying crap she saw on TV.
Their house is full of goods and furniture that she bought and my poor dad is in despair as he has debts of almost £50,000 just because of HER.
At the moment i'm so worried about my dad, even though she is in hospital he visits her TWICE a day for 2hrs at a time and he hardly gets any work done (he is a freelance publisher).
He told me last week that he had really bad flu but she still insisted on him coming to visit as usual and he told me her almost crashed the car on his way home.
Sorry if this seems callous but I WISH MY MOTHER WAS DEAD! because she will end up killing my dad.
I've got my own familly to think about now, she never looked after me and my brother we LOOKED after her.
She is not my mother anymore.
My dad does not deserve this, he is a kind and gentle man and anyone would have run away screaming from my mum years ago.
AB

that sounds really grim. Have you ever had counselling to talk it all through, how you want to proceed in future?

so sorry too here tis , my mum too had severe depression well she is manic depressive , all i can say is i think this is part of there illness and it is a selfish illness i would recomend some counseling, do you have anyone else too support you thinking of you ripeberryx

I just read your post and it really struck a chord with me. My father is bi-polar and although has not had a manic episode in over a year (probably because he spent all his money in the last couple of bouts of mania) he has become increasingly low, and, at the moment, is drinking heavily. Which as you probably know, with the strength of medication he is on is very dangerous.
It is hard to sum up so many years of this illness, how it has affected my family, etc. (My parents are currently in the process of divorce after 33 years my mother could no longer cope, thus adding to my fathers bad state).
I go from feeling immense sympathy and love for my father to literally anger and frustration; how could he put us through this/everything is always about him and his illness etc. And then i feel so guilty for feeling this way. Although my father doesn't live with us, I find he still affects my life in so many ways; we are expecting our first baby in jan so i am all over the place at the best of times, and i find the subject of my dad and everything that goes with it creeps into daily life almost between me and DP; i am resentful of this.
Like you, Ripeberry, I have come to terms with a really horrible realisation - that this person becomes no longer a 'parent' anymore, the roles reverse, and i feel a real sense of loss for that. I just wanted to say you are not alone in this situation, know thats not v. helpful but it has helped me to read your story and have a rant myself so thanks.

www.mind.org.uk/Information/Booklets/Understanding/Understanding+manic+depression.htm

Have either of you contacted MIND to date; the above page taken from their website may be of some benefit to you. It also lists organisations you can yourselves contact to get the support you so need.

I heard a radio programme on manic depression a couple of weeks ago and family members were describing exactly the same sorts of scenarios as you have. You are certainly not alone. MDF were mentioned in this broadcast as being helpful (their details are also on the webpage I have put up).

Thank you all so very much for your words of support. Feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Met my Auntie today (my mum's eldest sister) and we had a good long chat about my mum and she has promised to support me if i need any help.
Thank you for the link.
Thank god for the internet and MN.

I've just read your thread and wanted to add that you must try to stop feeling guilty about your parents and look after yourself physically and mentally in order that you are available for your children. Counselling would be useful for you to vent the 'unspeakable' feelings you have, do what you can to help your parents but don't feel you have to sacriface your life in order to help them otherwise you will come to resent it and then feel guilty about resenting it!. Support your father as much as you can but ultimately he has to make the decision what would be in your mother's and his best interest longterm. I have found I could'nt parent effectively when my parents problems overwhelmed me and I had to make myself stop thinking about it for most of the day and eventually this did help.