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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Depressed DP and relationship fallen apart, is there any hope?

11 replies

OiledBegg · 11/09/2015 14:50

I'm sorry if this is long and rambly, my head feels like a washig machine at the moment! My partner and I have had a rocky few months. We went on holiday in June and everything was good. We had previously had doubts, as we have a large age gap (21 years, im 29 he is 50) but felt we were getting past these and on holiday talked about moving in together, we've been together 2 years. He has always had a bit of a tendency to depression/low mood and a week after getting back from holiday he went downhill and pushed me away, said I was better off without him etc. He also said that he didn't feel like he wanted children anymore due to how low he felt and that it wouldn't be fair. we didn't talk for a few days and he went back to his, then I reached out and we worked things out. He was okay for a few weeks then started feeling low again, and went to the doctors and got put on citalopram. He's been on them nearly 3 weeks, since on the meds he's been feeling up and down, thoughts are all over the place and that the idea of any responsibility scares him and he didn??t know if he was ever going to feel differently again especially as he is also getting older. This panicked me as I've always wanted a family with him, and to settle down/be committed to someone and I started saying maybe we shouldn't be together if we don't want the same things anymore, and he saw no option of changing his mind. Last weekend things were ok between us, Sunday night we were talking and I can't even remember what I said but it was something about how I'm unhappy with the current situation and he said he'd pack his bags and leave Tuesday morning (we don't live together but he's at mine all weekend and one weeknight). At the time I agreed but a couple of hours later we went to bed and I said are you sure it's really over and he said "yes, I can??t keep going round in circles like this because of you, is it any wonder im fucking mental?" I was shocked at that comment as it sounded so nasty. He was at mine the next evening as he was looking after my 10 year old after school as I had work, we slept in the same bed which was so odd knowing we were parting the next day, and Tuesday morning I left for work and he packed his stuff and left. I got two texts saying sorry, that "it was all his/the ilness's fault that our relationship failed" etc. I haven't heard from his since Tuesday night. He's gone back to his house and he lives there with his grown up son and his partner. It doesn??t feel "final" enough for it to be over but my friends and family are telling me it is. I don??t know whether to reach out to him and try sending a text asking how he is, or anything. I now feel guilty for putting pressure on him to make commitments when he was in no place mentally to do so. if I had just kept quiet for a few months he may have got better and changed his mind, or at least be in the right mindset to do so. I miss him ridiculously so. I don??t know whether to just leave him and assume it??s all over, delete his number and all social media ties now, leave it a few more days or what... I feel like it's his depression that's been talking and not him. Do I try and reconcile or walk away?

OP posts:
peachypips · 11/09/2015 14:55

Speaking as someone with a chronic (but well managed) mental health problem, I'd definitely say that this is all his depression talking. I am totally well now, but when I'm unmedicated I am extremely self destructive and negative, and I push everyone away. When I'm well I am loving, fun, and nice to be around (I hope!).
My advice would be to wait til he's been on citalopram for 6 weeks. If no difference get it put up to 40mg, as men sometimes need a bit more. If you love him, wait it out and you'll see a change after 6 weeks on a full dose.
Hth

OiledBegg · 11/09/2015 15:13

thanks peachypips, good to hear a first hand experience. Do you think I should leave him in peace and quiet for now and hope he comes back to me, or let him know I am still here for him and want to make this relationship work?

OP posts:
peachypips · 11/09/2015 17:35

If it was me I'd want you to do the second- a text just to say that you still love him and are here for him, and that you'll keep texting him once a week to check he's ok. Then give it a few weeks and see what happens when he recovers. Hope it works out for you x

pocketsaviour · 11/09/2015 18:06

You've been together two years but he still lives with his ex?

OiledBegg · 11/09/2015 18:08

Sorry I meant it's DP's son and the son's girlfriend that live there!

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SolidGoldBrass · 11/09/2015 18:09

Look, sorry, but you are a lot better off letting him go with your good wishes. Do you really want to spend the rest of your youth looking after an increasingly incapacitated, increasingly grumpy old man?

I appreciate that you are an adult and can make your own decisions and all that but it's nearly always the case that a relationship between a much older man and a comparatively very young woman is going to go badly wrong. Most older men who want relationships with young women are both inadequate and controlling - they tend to have failed in life and want a younger woman who will be naive enough to believe in the man's unique specialness and let him take charge. Trouble gets acute when the sweet little kitten actually matures...

OiledBegg · 11/09/2015 21:28

Thanks solid lots of friends and family have said similar to this! I think I have to accept it is over for real, even though it hurts so much and feels so odd not having him around to talk to or anything....

OP posts:
Hoppipolar · 11/09/2015 21:31

The first few weeks of antidepressants can make you feel so much worse, I've been there. His moods should settle down by 6 weeks. He is getting help now though which is positive. I would tell him you hope he's ok and leave it there. He's clearly got a lot of things to work through. Keep yourself as busy as possible.
Unfortunately if he doesn't want children and you do it will never work I'm afraid. Good luck

Getuhda348 · 11/09/2015 22:46

I would leave things be before you are to invested in the relationship. My dh of 8 years has very bad depression. He can be fine for a few years then it hits him like a brick. I love him dearly I really do but when he's depressed quite frankly he's a bit of a dick! It's emotionally soul destroying and you feel hopeless yourself because there's nothing you can do to help. To stay with somebody with depression you've got to be prepared to fight for the relationship to work and be prepared to be emotionally exhausted. All that on top off wanting different things then your heading for heartbreak or a lifetime of resentment.

OiledBegg · 12/09/2015 19:53

Thank you get, it's so hard to know what to do. I so much want to talk to him, just to have a normal chat about general life. See if it opens the avenues for us as a couple again.... But everyone is saying let him go and leave him to it.

OP posts:
Getuhda348 · 12/09/2015 22:03

Only you can decide. But I wouldn't want you to go into the relationship with your eyes shut to just how hard life can be living with somebody with depression. My dh has talked about walking away because he hates what he does, tbh it sounds like he's the same. My dh is on the same tablets and has took 4 weeks to get into his system fully and sometimes he gets worse before he gets better. I think if you really want to go for it then talk in a few weeks properly when his meds have calmed. But it really is heartbreaking at times so please think carefully Flowers

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