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Relationships

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Original poster

Have you ever stayed friends with an ex?

23 replies

sinninginacorner · 11/09/2015 13:27

I've been with my boyfriend for 10 months but I think ultimately it's coming to an end, we're having 'a talk' tonight which I think will end in us mutually deciding things aren't right. Nothing bad has been done on either side (well I hope I haven't!) but I think it's just one of those things where we're not gelling (sp? ive had a long morning) and both have bigger commitments, I'm doing a degree with the OU and he's at a crucial time in his career if he wants to progress any further. But I still want to stay in contact with him as I do still enjoy spending time with him, maybe meeting up for a drink every couple of weeks and I think I could do this without becoming attached again as I do see us splitting up as the best option right now. So has anyone ever successfully stayed friends with an ex? I know things will probably naturally tail off when one of us meets someone else but I don't think either of us will be actively looking for someone so it could be a while. Previously all my splits have been bitter and I have never wanted to see my exes again so I've never been in this situation before but would like to hear others experiences .

OP posts:

LeonC · 11/09/2015 13:52

Hmm. I'm still friends with my exH. In retrospect I wish we had maintained more distance. He still thinks of us as a couple albeit we have been divorced 14 years and don't even live close to each other. He uses all his holidays visiting me.
Neither of us has properly moved on since our split and as we are getting older it doesn't seem as if either of us will. I feel both unable to be single and unable to ever be part of a couple. A bit like an eternal decree nisi: neither married nor single.
I should have shook his hand, wished him luck and never spoken to him again unless it concerned our children.

EdithSimcox · 11/09/2015 14:33

I had 3 exes at my wedding, but I think lesbians are often more inclined to stay friends than straight women are. They are all people I could turn to in an emergency but they are not 'everyday' friends iyswim.

tigermoll · 11/09/2015 14:41

Two of my exes are two of my closest friends. Both relationships ended without any cheating/betrayal which I think makes it easier. It isn't always easy (and be prepared to step back from the friendship temporarily when one of you gets a new partner) but it is totally doable and very rewarding

Original poster

sinninginacorner · 11/09/2015 14:44

tiger I am very much prepared to take a step back when one of us starts dating again and would be happy to do so. It's nice to hear that it can work well in some cases

OP posts:

ShortandSweeter · 11/09/2015 14:49

Yes- I had three exes and a few ex-lovers at my wedding. Still close friends with most of them.

Jw35 · 11/09/2015 14:49

I'm alway suspicious when people stay friends with an ex. In my experience it's because they still want to be with them! Most people go through a lot of heartache when deciding to end a relationship so it seems strange to stay friends.

pinktransit · 11/09/2015 14:50

I'm friends with a fair number of exes :-)

I think it can work - but there needs to be space between 'relationship' and 'friends'. Time out for both of you really.

My thoughts are that if there's enough between two people to make a relationship, then, even if that doesn't work out, then there should be enough to be friends, but it does take time.

So take a good few months of not seeing him before perhaps meeting for a friendly coffee if the opportunity presents itself.

newnamesamegame · 11/09/2015 14:54

You can, after the hurt has died down on both sides and when both parties have moved on and no-one is holding out any hope that the relationship can be rekindled. Until then it's problematic. Exes can be good friends.

Other new people (partners) coming into the picture will tend to complicate things though, and you may need to renegotiate things at that point.

mightypissedoff · 11/09/2015 14:54

After a very amicable divorce I have stayed friends with my XH. I get on well with his new wife and still see a lot of his family too. If ever they have family party I am invited too and have had a few people tell me how 'odd' it is.

We do not see it that way. We divorced as we were no longer in love with each other but we still love each other as friends and he will always be around due to us having DC.

Pyjamaface · 11/09/2015 15:03

I stayed friends with an ex, went to festivals/gigs with him for years, he met my current DP and I met his. It petered out when he moved north and I moved south but do still occasionally chat on Faceache.

I am also still friends with a fling I met on a work thing 15 years ago, and a FWB, obviously no benefits now

Original poster

sinninginacorner · 11/09/2015 15:17

Wow thanks for all the replys . I know we will have to wait a while before seeing eachother again but hope it will work out ok.

OP posts:

TPel · 11/09/2015 15:21

I haven't many exes but I am friends with one. He has gone back home to Australia now so we only communicate via email or what's app, mainly to discuss holidays, family, jobs etc. all totally above board. My DH knows him and often suggests texting him if England beat the Aussies in any sporting situation.

pocketsaviour · 11/09/2015 15:52

I have one of my exes on FB but we very rarely speak.

I would have been happy to remain friends with my last ex if only he hadn't run off with £3.5k I lent him

I think as a general rule, the less time you dated for, the easier it is to remain friends. But if one of you is more invested than the other, it will be difficult. I wouldn't expect to be going out for drinks, etc, for at least a few months.

SolidGoldBrass · 11/09/2015 18:14

Yes, I'm on friendly terms with quite a few of mine. DS' dad was an ex who I stayed friendly with for 15 years: we got pissed one night, fell into bed and produced DS. It's worked out well as we had been mates for a long time and remain so, only now we are family as well.

I think perhaps the reason it works for me is that I don't attach much importance to couple-relationships and don't engage in them. So if I like someone I shagged or dated, as long as that person hasn't done anything awful, I see no need to stop liking the person. I'm often friendly with XPs' new partners as well.

Mermaid36 · 11/09/2015 18:18

I have an ex on FB - we're both married now and he lives on a different continent with his family. We still chat over FB and have met for lunch when he is occasionally back in the UK. He is much more like a brother now than an ex

TheDowagerCuntess · 11/09/2015 19:57

Not personally, no. I have always been the dumper, and it's always been amicable. I have tended to stay in touch immediately afterwards, and then just naturally moved on with life. I have also moved back and forth overseas, so that makes it feel less likely that you'd stay in touch, as well.

I can see how other people would stay in touch though, especially when it's an amicable split.

Sometimes people are just meant to have platonic relationships. One of DH's best friends is a woman he had a brief fling with aeons ago.

brokenhearted55a · 11/09/2015 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lavenderhoney · 11/09/2015 20:19

The onset of social media has made it easy to keep in touch with a nice ex if you both want to. Not so long ago, you had to really want to:)

I am friends with two ex boyfriends from before my marriage and divorce, and friendly with a man I dated recently, but our personal lives are in such a shit state with divorce, court, DC needs, etc we both gave up as frankly it's easier not to date and just chat without any pressure.

If you will be upset if he starts dating again or give up a sat night to see him when you could be put with someone else or your friends and meeting new men, then don't. Ex bf are mid week lunch or early week early supper candidates only:)

sugar21 · 11/09/2015 20:25

Yes I am good friends with my first ex because he has custody of our DD.

DoreenLethal · 11/09/2015 20:26

Yes - all of the nice ones are still friends.

Battleshiphips2 · 11/09/2015 20:32

I decided to stay friends with one of my exs. Worked out pretty well. We've been married for 10 yrs now! We just decided it wasn't working as a relationship and we'd stay friends. That friendship just grew but even if it hadn't we would still be friends.

donajimena · 11/09/2015 20:33

Yes but it wasn't until I met someone else (he had an affair and mumsnet helped me through ) that I was able to pursue a friendship. I say pursue a friendship we speak once every three months and we haven't dissolved our business. I enjoy his conversation but he was a dreadful partner.

Patchworkpatty · 11/09/2015 20:41

Yes, love him to bits, (like a brother) . Married 18yrs 3 dcs. Talk every week (he moved back to his home country). The distance makes it easier for my dh who can't get his head around it. Dh has 'traditional' hostile relationship with his exw. Definitely a completely different feeling for the two. Fancy the pants of my dh. Can't begin to think of ex in that way. !

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