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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

head is spinning with all this

19 replies

pugalicios · 11/09/2015 09:10

I am so mixed up. Was married for 30+ years . Been separated since Xmas and thought I was doing fine. Had lots of good times with my friends and a few nice flirty moments with other men but not dated any one.
My ex is desperate to try again and said he accepts that everything was his fault.
2 months ago I wouldnt have considered taking him back but he has told me that because he is desperately lonely he has had 3 dates with a woman he met online (no sex just company) and I am very, very jealous.

I dont know if I want him or not but hate the thought of someone else being with him?

OP posts:
cailindana · 11/09/2015 09:25

Why did you break up?

Sansoora · 11/09/2015 09:28

You have to separate your very normal jealousy from your new reality which was nice - all things considered.

Can you think if it this way - I don't want him but I don't want anyone else to have him either.

I wouldn't have my husband back, we separated after 37 years of marriage but I still have very human thoughts on things at times.

pallasathena · 11/09/2015 09:35

Is he deliberately trying to make you jealous? If all else fails, play the jealousy card maybe...I speak from experience here as it was the only card left in the pack and my ex used it to get a reaction.

He got a reaction. He remains my ex.

Original poster
pugalicios · 11/09/2015 09:42

We separated because he totally changed from the man I married and became moody, unaffectionate and cold and flirted with young girls in front of me. I put up with it for a long time and tried to work through it with him.

I am trying to be just friends with him and we had a nice meal out recently and he was very caring and attentive.
I know realistically I am better off with out him but I keep getting doubts.
I have been asked out lots of times by other men but still feel a loyalty towards him so havent gone through with it

OP posts:
Original poster
pugalicios · 11/09/2015 09:43

No pallas he told me the details of the dates and they were disastrous and they are totally incompatable

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 11/09/2015 09:48

Sounds like he thought the grass was greener and it turned out it wasn't so he's come crawling back.
If you him back fine but if not don't. You owe him nothing

pallasathena · 11/09/2015 10:04

Moody, unaffectionate, cold and flirted with young girls in front of you? And you're thinking of taking him back? Why the masochism o/p? Where's your self respect here?

If you take him back you'll get more of the same won't you?

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 11/09/2015 10:11

I think it's quite normal once the initial pain and anger fades away, to have a moment of "should we try again?"

I think most people do. You've usually got to a stage where you're able to look back at the good bits and ignore the painful bits.

But the chances of it working when there was no reason for the bad behaviour, is next to nothing. You split up because he was cold and u affectionate towards you, but happy to flirt with other people in front of you. That's horrible.

That's who he is. Don't go back there. More pain awaits you. Feeling jealous is a normal reaction. It just means that you don't want him to be giving someone else what he didn't give you. It makes you feel like it was your fault in some way. And if he now offers you the affection, then that heals that feeling.

But it was never your fault, he cannot give you what you need in a partner long-term.

Get through this bit and the jealousy will fade away.

NullaBore · 11/09/2015 10:17

I'm going against pp but l think why not try and see? We can all be guilty of taking our dp for granted. Maybe this was his massive wake up call.

But only you can decide if you're happier without him.

Duckdeamon · 11/09/2015 10:17

He is still flirting with other people and trying to make you feel bad by going dating and then telling you about it! Hardly impressive efforts to win you back.

Flirting with much younger women - in front of your wife or not - is pretty shitty and sleazy. Ditto how he treated you. Would he really be different 6,12 months down the line?

Seems likely he's realised he's not a catch for other women and misses you.

Original poster
pugalicios · 11/09/2015 10:25

A lot of sensible answers here, thanks. I think I posted because I needed some sense talking into me.
He admits he thought the grass was greener and he also thought he could live the high life with his mates but has since discovered only 2 of them care about him.
The anger and the pain have gone and thats why I am softening you are spot on. Also I think a lot of it is pity that I feel for him and feel sorry for his sad life now

OP posts:
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 11/09/2015 10:33

When xh and I split he didn't seem that bothered at first. I think he also thought the grass would be greener. 6 months later, mutual friends reported on his increasingly desperate and sad attempts to pull (oh yes I picked a charmer). Funnily enough it was at that point that he decided maybe we should try again, or at the very least sleep together.

don't be his fallback option. Do what I did and run far and fast :o

suzannefollowmyvan · 11/09/2015 10:34

He admits he thought the grass was greener and he also thought he could live the high life with his mates

Sounds like he thought online dating would be a cornucopia of eager young beauties gagging for 'hook ups' with middle aged men
??
He could recapture his youth and live the self indulgent Batchelor life that he missed out on

Dream on eh!??

Joysmum · 11/09/2015 10:38

Well, even if you do decide it's worth another go make sure you date first and progress just as you would have the first time around.

You'd need to be sure he loves you, rather than not just not wanting to be alone.

TRexingInAsda · 11/09/2015 10:40

Gross. He sounds really awful, why on earth would you be thinking about getting back with him, given that you know you're better off without? He's only asking you back because his dates went badly! You need to stop turning people down because of him, move on. Or get back with him - but resign yourself to being miserable, and also to him changing his mind about being with you if someone he likes comes along and it goes better with them than his dates did - he's clearly trying to move on but failing to hook anyone else. It's not like he wants you for you, you're the back-up plan he's got desperate enough for.

Original poster
pugalicios · 11/09/2015 11:54

Right so now I feel stronger again. Maybe I should go on a date with someone else and see what its like to be treated nicely?

Although I am quite happy on my own as I have lovely friends and family

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FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 11/09/2015 12:05

Then you can date (if you want to) safe in the knowledge that if they're not good enough for you, you can leave at any time and still be happy :)

That's a good place to be.

Original poster
pugalicios · 11/09/2015 12:13

Very true Fuck thank you

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Original poster
pugalicios · 11/09/2015 12:15

Pallas I have screen shot what you said about the self respect etc and will re read if I feel weak

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