Facebook chats, innocent or not?

[mountainlake]

Quick question: if an attached man chats to a woman via FB a couple of times a week, for an hour or two, is it ever innocent? Or is he testing waters/wants something?
The background: He is my ex colleague from work, who currently works with my ex husband and his OW. He used to know me and ex husband in good times but never was a good friend, just one of the people we knew and were on 'just friendly' terms.
We are both in late thirties, he has a partner and a 4 year old son, I am single now. A couple of months ago I asked him for a small favour/advice in the field that he is interested in and this is how the chatting began. We talk about life in general, he talks a lot about his son and work. Very little about his partner, however he mentioned they are very different and does not know what the future brings for them.
To clarify... I have no feelings towards this man, I just like him and like chatting to him. We talk usually late in the evening when his partner is at work, he always starts, not me, I just respond as I have trouble sleeping and then it just develops into 1 or 2 hr long conversation.
He never writes anything flirty, or makes any comments about me as a woman. He did once, at the beginning, when we briefly discussed my split with ex. He said that my ex must be an idiot to exchange me for someone like OW.
I recently had a look at my inbox on FB and realised that there are hundreds of messages between us and I thought that if I saw my partner writing that much to any woman, I'd be very angry and upset. I must add that we write in out home language as we both are not British. This is one of the reasons I think he writes to me; he is recognised and appreciated at work and has a wide circle of acquaintances but, as far as I can tell, not real friends; I sense that he might feel just lonely. His partner is British, so if she saw the messages, she wouldn't be able to check instantly that they are innocent and could think there is more to it.
Should I tell him it's not really appropriate to 'chat' that much, or just stop these chats? As I said, I do like him but I would never ever want to have any input in upsetting his partner.

He might just be being kind, knowing the circumstances of your split. If it's nothing flirty it's not necessarily inappropriate but you clearly don't feel comfortable so it might be sensible to call it off.

Do you know his partner at all? Could you get to know her? Might be easier for the three of you to be slightly more distant friends than the two of you to be really close and you feeling guilty for overstepping boundaries.

I think you are noticing a "shift" albeit slight and if I were his girlfriend then yes, I would be suspicious.

"He always starts, not me"

Not really a valid defence if you were looking for one.

In short, yes. However I would argue they are really only innocent chats if his partner knows about them, once the lies and secrets start it becomes a very different story

He's biding his time and wooing you. Tge subtle hints re not knowing where his relationship is going and your ex making a poor choice tell you all you need to know. I'd knock it on the head if I was you and didn't want to upset his partner

I chat on facebook to a few chaps, one of them is even an ex. I have convos going back years! My thought is that its only an issue if you would be bothered if your or their partner read the convo. Mostly my chats are based on shared hobbies or issues and if I felt anything 'off' I would
cease contact. I would be pretty insulted if these chats turned a bit sexy. If you have
these doubts, maybe you feel it is a little
'off'?

I suppose the messages being in a language the partner doesn't understand would be reason enough to be bothered by them.

I also chat to lots of male friends on Facebook, many of them with girlfriends, but the girlfriends all know of my existence, they get included in some conversations, I'm not a threat, their boyfriends aren't interested in me and I'm not interested in them. But if it were secret chats while the wife was away at work, in a language the wife didn't understand, it's a bit off.

If you have to ask the question whether or not it's entirely innocent, you probably have your answer. If you feel uncomfortable and it's something you wouldn't like in her shoes, bow out.

I suppose you will know the answer if you flip it around: if you stumbled across this message cache from your partner to another woman, would you be okay with it? Which is the other issue. If she doesn't know, it's a lot more of a problem than if she does. Hours most days are ones he's not spending talking with her, and if he's lonely, focusing on a relationship other than the one with his child's mother isn't going to help... or at least, not at making that primary relationship more fulfilling, anyway.

"he mentioned they are very different and does not know what the future brings for them."

Ugh! Aka 'my wife doesn't understand me'

Yes it COULD be innocent I have old male friends going back 30+ years I talked to but they would never use phrases like this or

"my ex must be an idiot to exchange me for someone like OW."

I'd be very uncomfortable with this and nip it in the bud now.

I don't think there's anything wrong with either of those comments, to be honest.

I have a friend I kniw is unhappy in his marriage. The also kniw he doesn't have any designs on me. He'd never leave ir have an affair, but he dies need to offload now and again. But this man isn't doing that.

And lots of people said similar ti me when my exh had an affair. It's just ine of the things people say. Including ither women's husbands/partners, none if whom were interested in me.

If the chat content is innocent and not flirty, I don't see the problem.

Typos - it's early.

Well it's not automatically dodgy - I have a couple of male friends on FB who I do chat to occasionally. Can't say I'm sat there solidly for an hour but the conversation might take an hour - mainly because both of them have new babies :) ...conversations generally revolve around new baby and how stuff is going at work. Stunningly dull stuff really.

I'd be happy to show the content of these chats to dh, they are really no different to the conversations I have with female friends.

As always, context and gut feeling is all. Spending hours every day on chat to another woman isn't very healthy for his relationship - would he show his oh the messages?

"would he show his oh the messages?"

I suspect not!

he either fancies you, or is really lonely and homesick

its 50:50 for me!

I have male friends I chat with on FB, although not as regularly as you. There is definitely nothing going on there.

I don't think his comment about your x being an idiot is a bad sign; I would expect any friend to say the same as a comfort to a friend who has been through a break up.

I wouldn't be keen on hearing about his marital problems though. I would probably tell him I'm not comfortable hearing that and you should talk to your wife or even a counsellor.

I thin it's innocent on your side but whether it is on his or not then only he knows. I have a feeling that if it isn't you will find out soon enough.

If you are uncomfortable then maybe be a bit less available? Still talk but not so often.