Struggling to see how a woman can let a man that owes 10,000 in csa arears live with her and put his money in her account !!!!

[moonie70]

Plz help I feel like I'm going to explode at how unfair my situation is regarding my abusive x partner , we were together for 8 years plus 2 on and off , and have an 11 daughter .
I was emotionally and physically abused by him and been through the family court system plus magistrates cry plus crown court as I found the strength to press charges and even represented my self when I couldn't afford a barrister, the list of things this man did to me and my 2 girls the eldest not his is endless, I have a 5 year restraining order and a family judge said no contact to ever take place between him and our child .
The relief I felt 2 years ago was short lived as I suffered from a break down as I had finally gotten this monster out of our lives ,
A girl contacted me saying she had had a relationship with him after we ended and he hit her to and she had a court case running along side mine at the same time , what he did to her was horrendous licking her in his house and sex against her wishes , we are still friends to this day and she made me feel validated as I was told it was me I pushed his buttons it was my fault he hit me , classic txt book abuse .
Fast forward to today I have an 17 year old that's still affected by the things she saw growing up and I've been left with an anxiety disorder.
He is currently in a relationship with a woman for 2 years who has no clue of his past ir if she does she doesn't care , if she checked him out on Claires law he would be on it , but I do know she knows he has s child and owes maintenance and allows him to live with her no name on the electoral register and he puts his money in her accounts and over seas while driving a flash car , going on holidays and not paying a penny for his child , contact had nothing to do with providing financially for your child , but he does not see it that way , how can this woman who is in a good job has lots of friends stay with an abusive man with such an horrendous past of abuse and vets like a baby and goes back to anger in the drop of a hat , I'm baffled , I'm left to pick up the pieces with my children dealing with the emotional damage and he's swanning around Scott free .
I was scared for her at first but then I felt angry at her for condoning his behaviour of not paying for our daughter , I'm sure he has brain washed her the way he did me .. He is a master at it , if she knew the terrible things this man said and did what would she do , I want her to know but in my heart it wouldn't do me any good , I'm hurting still and struggling financially and it's wrong on every level .
I see in Facebook they have a busy social life and her family have no clue there daughter is living with a monster .
I don't know what I want to hear from you guys , mayb just a little understanding and support ....

She is with him precisely because she doesnt know what he did and what he is capable of.

Do you really think that she knows he owes £10k in child support? He will have come up with a plausible excuse as to why he cant use his own account. And a plausible excuse about why he doesnt see his child "Her mother wont let me/she is a nutjob/I had to get a restraining order against her/she moved away and I dont know where they are..." you name it.

She will find out, same as the other one did. All you can do is count your blessings that that is not your life anymore.

I know its hard not being bitter, I have spent many fruitless hours on the phone with the CSA myself in recent weeks, but it doesnt change things it just makes you feel worse.

Take care

Thank you for your words , I'm hurting and angry , I can't afford things and he is swanning around in a big 4x4 and going snow boarding and festivals , I should count my blessings I got out , I really find it hard to believe that he hasn't lost his temper or pushed and shoved her or verbally abused her on any level , he is emotionally unstable and cries like a baby if things aren't going his way , yes I'm sure I'm the bad one in her eyes as his story of me wouldn't be a pretty one , but a clever woman in a demanding job can't really see with her own eyes he's not right , I heard she wants a baby by him , that made my blood run cold , he had me by the throat at 3 months pregnant and nearly suffocated me on another occasion , his family lied in court and said he wasn't a bad man , luckily the judge was amazing and she saw right through him .

Surely you more than anyone can understand why she is still with him?
You know better than anyone that it isn't always as simple as just walking away.

I'm sorry for everything you have been through, and your children.

But the best thing you can do now is block him on Facebook and WALK AWAY.

Maybe a call to Social Services to tell them you believe he's going to have more children.

But other than that, you really need to get away from Facebook. It will not help you one bit.

Her wanting a baby with him is very worrying. As you know, abuse can start or get much worse during pregnancy.

For that reason (and NOT for revenge) you need to contact social services (presumably they were involved due to the court case?) and tell them what you know.

Tell them that you are not doing this to be spiteful but because you are worried that he hasnt told her the truth and you dont want the same thing happening to her and her child. That way SW will have the heads up, they wont want a man who is not allowed to see his existing child to have another, under the radar where they may not know what is going on until it is too late.

It made my blood run cold too.

Please don't look at his Facebook (I assume that's where you're getting this info.) It's going to eat you up. Sometimes the bad guys get off scot free, it's awful but it happens every day. Please try to concentrate on loving yourself and your DD and push this negativity away because it can't help you.

There was a time when you didn't know any better too.

If you're worried she isn't aware of his past you can enact Claire's law on her behalf. The police will speak to her, and make sure she is aware of his past.

Whether that is enough to make her walk away is another matter, but the first step would be to make sure she actually knows what has happened.

Info on enacting Clare's law on her behalf here

I know it was classic txt book abuse , no one else would want me , choose between my parents and him , I couldn't have both , said he looked into getting me killed , wanted another woman to beat me up , the guilt I feel is going to kill me one day my councillor told me that , I let this man stay in my home , but I was like a zombie most of the time , how I stayed in a job for 24 years is beyond me , they did support me thought so I was lucky . my children have wanted for nothing and I've spoilt them to compensate , your right Facebook has triggered me tonight , I'm in bits , it never leaves you does it ,

No it never leaves you but you can use it in different ways.

You can let it overcome you and take you down, or you can use it to pull yourself up.

You escaped, to got your daughters away. Sure it took time but abusers make it is so hard for their victims to leave that it isnt just as simple as "leave". You know that. Many dont leave, many stay and the cycle of abuse continues via their children and grandchildren. You didnt do that.

By enacting Claires Law as mentioned above, you will be doing something positive with what happened to you. You are taking what you know and making sure that she knows too, and more importantly you are flagging up their situation so that if she does stay and have a baby with him, then that child will be protected.

Take what he did to you and turn it outwards, to protect any poor woman that he gets involved with. You can stop him doing this again, isnt that a good thing to be able to do?

He might have these material things but he is an empty shell of a person. She probably has no idea what shes got herself into. I know it's hard but try and feel compassion for her...she's going to be put through hell just like you were and just like the other woman who contacted you was.

You are amazing for getting away and parenting your kids. That is something that fancy cars and whatever else cannot compare to.

Thank you x