Relationship making me feel down, feel like I can't be bothered anymore

[Mini05]

so for last 18 mths or so things haven't been all that good between us, at beginning lots of arguing(over everything)to now him saying
" I'm not arguing, I'm going out"

So back to over the last month
I've been in spare bedroom, given him all the space he needs(for hobbies etc) me not included in any.
So I've been calm, getting on with my own things etc going places and doing house DIY on my own.

So Monday night comes and I decide it's time I went back into our bed(hurt that I wasn't asked)and take it further see how it goes.
Tuesday comes and his off out after lunch again, so I decide to finish of the DIY job I'd started. So I end up stuck! Didn't fit properly. So took a cuppa break.
Meanwhile he comes home after 2.5 hrs out, walks straight passed me upstairs,comes down puts baking potatoes in oven(because I hadn't started tea) made himself a drink and put his laptop on and never spoke.
I thought WTF have I done now!!! So broached the subject with him
So what have I done wrong now?
Nothing
So what's with ignoring me,doing your own thing( not asking did I want drink)
I said I can't go on like this, I thought we were trying to get things on the right track again. To which I got
" you crossed the line when you got me locked up, and I will never never forgive you for that" nobody does that to me. This was back in June
( called police because I'd had enough off his behaviour on the way he was treating me! Been seen with woman and said he was going somewhere all day and I found it to be a lie. This lead to massive argument so I called police because it was getting out of hand. No physical)
He then goes on to say all the DIY I've been doing is only so I can get more money if the house goes on the market(can't see that he'd get half of it anyway)
All of what he was saying upset me, and brought me to tears to which I got
" don't bring them on, there only for him(son 25) to let him think I'm a horrible person"
I said " you can't see how much this relationship means to me, that's why I'm crying it's not good"
I told him I still love him,but things have to change in the relationship .

I had to stop the conversation as I could smell tea burning.
It took me all my time to eat it, I felt sick, full of anxiety and down right upset.
Nothing more was mentioned all night. That night I hardly slept, I kept going over the things he'd said that day and how hurtful the things he'd said with venom in his voice.

I so confused now, as I feel the last month of me carrying on getting on with things my myself I've as been led down the garden path thinking we were trying to work it out slowly. And then the bomb shell of what he said! How can you love somebody and say things like this.
I told him I've got issues with things that was said yesterday and I got
" or you not starting that again, you love causing agruments"
If I never mentioned anything, he would carrying on like he as been and just going about his own thing excluding me.

I do still love him( or do I) is it memories I have of what it was like years ago????
Would I be better on my own(though it fills me with fright)
Can it ever be as it once was?????

I feel the clock is ticking away, and nothing really as changed.
He he with me because he doesn't want upheaval ? And that's why he won't discuss because it might mean making a big decision.

How you moved on from anything similar? Can I get passed this?

To be honest I think you both have a better chance of making it work if you actually separate now and give each other space to think, plus it will change the horrible situation you are currently in which could go on and on and on...........seriously, sometimes you need time apart and a change of scene to be able to actually communicate, not just shout, argue and ignore, things sounds bloody awful, and stressful, could he bugger off for a few days or perhaps you could?

The space thing sounds an idea, there's no way he would go and stay anywhere. So it would have to be me.
The thing is I don't know even if I did this he would come to any conclusion/contact me, as when I've suggested anything before he says
"don't threaten me/give me ultimatum"

I don't want to stay with close family as too many questions would be asked, so I'd have to stay in hotel which I'm not really confident to do on my own but would if I really knew it would work.

The situation as it is now and the way he reacts, as made it so that I find it so difficult to approach with him the way our relationship is going!
But I can't carry on as if nothing he's said can be just shuffled under the carpet as it will fester in me and needs to be addressed.
But his way is ignore, and carry on!

Oh god!!

Hotels are great when you're on your own. You can get room service and eat in your room, or you can nip out to the shops and bring yourself back sandwiches etc! So don't worry about that.

OK, this argument you had in June which you called the police about. I assume he was arrested if he says you got him locked up. Did you exaggerate to police what he had done/said? Or is he minimising his aggressive behaviour and turning his abuse round on you? (I genuinely can't tell from what you've written, so if he was being very threatening and aggressive please don't think I'm accusing you of lying!)

end it then

nobody is forced to stay in a shit relationship

Yer I could do that order or nip out to shops.

Yes he was taken to police station because off his threats to me, he was cautioned and let out early hours.

AF
the thing is I don't want to end it if I can stop it getting that far as I do still love him, and we do get on most of the time.
It's him not discussing things with me and me not being able to bring up and discuss any disagreement with have without him saying" I'm not arguing, I'm going out"

I like to try and sort things out in an argument, rather than it play on my mind and fester.
Am I asking to much? Being unreasonable to ask this?

We used to be able to chat about things, but I think recently the arguments have become many and ended up shouting at each other that he now want discuss it in case it turns nasty I think??

so, he has threatened violence, refuses to discuss anything with you and fucks off when you try to talk to him

what's to hang on to ?

No not violence! But yes to the rest!!

Hang on to! That's what I'm trying to get my head around.

what were the threats he was making that resulted in police carting him away then ?

When the argument got v heated he said he would get a gun and shot me !
(V silly, as he wouldn't know where) but it pushed me over the hedge hence calling the police. Because he said what he did they had to take it seriously (because of domestic violence) he was charged and it was taken out of my hands.

I just wanted some women's prospective on my thoughts, and what I was thinking/asking wasn't an unreasonable thing to ask and shouldn't be swept under the carpet all the time and not dealt with.

I'm so confused my my own thoughts now, as he's so good at making me feel it's me.

I'd say threatening to get a gun and shoot you is threatening violence. Shooting someone is pretty violent.

You can't ask an unreasonable person to be reasonable. He likes the way things are.

That sounds pretty violent to me

I can 't see how threatening to shoot someone can be twisted around to "well he was just a bit narky that day"

lots of contradictions in your post, was he charged or cautioned? Was he ignoring you or making you tea? was it baked potatoes or something that burns fast?

If you call the police and get someone arrested, you have ended the relationship. What do you expect him to do?

If he was aggressive enough for you to feel he was likely to cause you harm then the relationship was over at that point.

If he wasn't aggressive enough for you to genuinely feel threatened, but you called the police anyway, the relationship was over at that point.

The police aren't there to keep your relationship sweet.

I'm just confused at this whole thing, you don't have a relationship as far as I can see, and I can't understand why you think you do.

Didn't mean to make contradictions! Probably used the wrong words trying to get in down and may of got it mixed up with words terminology

When he was taken to police station for questioning,from what I can remember they rang me some hours later to tell me he would be in court I think? Next day, I said I didn't want it to go that far(as I know he wouldn't) so after having a stern talking to able to go. So he wasn't charged now thinking back

He was ignoring me I know? It was actually baked potatoes and quiche so I could smell it .

I agree with Charis - the relationship is over. You may want it to work but he's already checked out. I think it's a case of extricating yourself and properly separating. You may still love him but why? You felt threatened by him enough to call the police, that's not a good thing. It's time to let the relationship go, the longer you cling to it, the longer you'll be unhappy.

I've had a few loud 'discussions' in the past with my other half and he hates it if I cry and says he can't talk to me then. I'm just emotional and that's how it manifests! However he would never talk to me the way your partner has! If you have got to the point where you are sleeping apart and he refuses to communicate, I would say it's over! Personally I couldn't stand being in that sort of relationship again and I'd kick him out!
You don't seem to have much confidence OP, is that part of why you are hanging on there? I'm not judging, I've done the same myself. You seem so miserable though, i can't help but feel you would be happier without him!
Good luck, I hope you work your way through this! Xx

He sounds like a complete twat, why aren't you desperate to be rid of him?

This is not a loving relationship, it is a drama fuelled attachment

Sounds awful

OK, OP it actually sounds like he has some aggressive and abusive behaviours, but he has told you that they are your fault, and if you weren't a bitch/nagging him/causing arguments everything would be just super.

It never will be, because this man cannot accept responsibility for his own actions. He makes threats to you that basically he is going to kill you. You ring the police (quite rightly) and they arrest him and take him into custody (and they would not have done this if they felt his behaviour was okay.)

You then decide not to press charges, so they let him go. But all of a sudden it's all your fault? And he'll never forgive you for the consequences of his behaviour? Yeah okay.

I get the feeling that there may be many instances like this, where he has convinced you that you are at fault for something that lies firmly with him.

I would make plans to leave now. He has made it quite clear that he intends to keep punishing you for standing up to him. Keep your cards close to your chest because leaving can be the most dangerous time.

Please don't downplay his threats. TBH if I wanted to get hold of a gun, I could. You just have to ask the right people.

This book might help you. You can get it on Kindle I think. Why Does He Do That?

Thanks for all your input ladies

I do take in what your saying and have been throwing it round my head all week to be honest.
I think I know deep down its gone to far, things said etc it's just hard to accept!! In my head.

I'm now going through my head how I approach what I say(I'm not scared of him) I just want to say the right thing and not let it turn into a
You said this, you said that conversation. So want my wording right.

Today as been another day of he trying to do his best to avoid being in the same room with me unless he as to, but acting like nothing's wrong when he's around.
He's out tonight, so may tell him when he comes home or tomorrow

At 57 I didn't think I'd be looking for another house/flat at my age! Just hope it doesn't bring my anxiety sky high! I really can do without being poorly.

Honestly when you are at the stage where you are involving Police and can't be in the same room it really is time to effect a change, could you or him not rent a flat for a short period of time - tbh, I think if you stay the way you are you will both end up killing any love that may be left there.

I'm sorry it's come to this OP. Your anxiety may raise in the short term while you look for another place but it sounds like, after that, it will drop right down without having to walk on tenter-toes.