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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have romantic feelings for my married male friend

47 replies

Worriedsingle · 10/09/2015 15:18

Please please please don't flame me! I'm posting because I need some advice.

For the past year or so I've been a member of a local group which meets every few weeks. I don't want to say what the group is, but it is a hobby group.

From the start, me and this married man hit it off (let's call him Tom). We have lots in common, the same sense of humour, etc. So, we are pretty good friends. We text a lot about our hobby, and other things related, but it's all innocent.

He is married with one child. I am single, no children. I haven't met his wife and don't know anything about her. He never mentions her.

In the past month, I have realised that I like him as more than a friend. I fancy him, a lot. I can't stop thinking about him in a romantic way. My heart flutters every time he texts me.

I know that this is dangerous and that no good can come of it. I have (with a heavy heart) decided that I need to stop being friends with him for both our sakes.

How can I end our friendship without telling him why? Or do you think I should tell him why?

OP posts:

Doublebubblebubble · 10/09/2015 22:56

It sounds like a bit of a crush to me. But I agree 100% with af - you're a grown woman and you can control your own actions.
I wouldn't be in your situation would be aloof (always wanted to use that word) with him. If he continues texting... Just ignore. It is that simple.

threenotfour · 10/09/2015 23:02

You need to stop attending the group and delete or block his number on your phone if you have it. Man up and don't see him again.

slicedfinger · 10/09/2015 23:04

You need to get a grip and step back from this.

justwondering72 · 11/09/2015 06:18

I'd agree that the texting has to stop.

I've been where you are OP, and I went to Australia for a year to put some distance between myself and the man concerned! Well tbh I was going anyway, but it felt like the only way I could break the intimacy that had built up. I missed him, a lot. But over time, husband and two kids and lots of life later, I hardly think of him. I don't think we could have been just friends. It was heading towards an affair.

As they say on the dry threads, play the film to the end. Be honest about where this intimate friend ship is leading, and the consequences of that.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 11/09/2015 06:34

You say he's a good guy who has done nothing wrong but then you hide your identity in case his wife recognises you! Can't you see the contradiction there? If your relationship was innocent it wouldn't matter if she knew about you. I guarantee you haven't developed feelings in a vacuum; he has certainly encouraged it on some level.

DiscoDiva70 · 11/09/2015 06:49

Why all the texting?

Surely you must talk about your hobby whilst your at your meetings together, so there wouldn't really be much reason to continue communicating regularly through messaging.
The content of the texts must be getting flirty or you wouldn't feel the way you do when he contacts you

tban456 · 11/09/2015 07:14

I've been here too. I disagree with DiscoDiva that texts have to be firty to get a thrill from them. It's just the joy of contact with someone you like and who you want to like you.

I'd say distance yourself now. I didn't, I tried to ignore my feelings and pretend we could just be mates and ended up ruining the friendship anyway because in the back of my mind I always had 'why don't you like me as much as i like you'. Ironically the MM I had feelings for ended up having an affair with someone else and I spent ages flitting between 'why wasn't it me' and 'what a bastard to cheat on his wife'

msrisotto · 11/09/2015 07:19

Crushes pass, what's the big deal? Wait it out.

category12 · 11/09/2015 10:14

Yes, dial it back. Suddenly cutting him off is drama llama and attention seeking.

Be busier. Things you were texting to him text to other friends instead. Stop indulging the fantasy, redirect your thoughts when you get on that track. Start dating other men.

Original poster

Worriedsingle · 11/09/2015 11:31

Thanks everyone.

I honestly don't want to cause a drama. He is so lovely and I dn't want to hurt him, but I don't want to make things hard for him either...

He usually gives me a lift to our meetings. From now on, I'm going to stay late at work and go straight to our meetings from there, so that he can't give me a lift.

As for the texting, I'm thinking of deleting my Whatsapp so that we can't text for 'free' like we usually do. That should lower the amount of texts we send.

OP posts:

gelwax · 11/09/2015 11:46

Sounds like some sensible, practical ideas there. You know you need to get this in hand, so please do. Carrying on like this will only hurt you (and others).

AndDeepBreath · 11/09/2015 12:10

Yep, delete the whatsapp.

Stop thinking that disappearing like this will hurt him. No offence intended here, because I know what it is to meet someone you click with - but what do you think will hurt more, a friendly face fading slowly into a more casual acquaintance, or risking losing a woman he loved enough to share his life and have a child with (who he also presumably loves?)

So delete the app, slowly stop replying to texts as much, and for the sake of a future friendship when the crush fades, for gods sake stop being so dramatic about it. If you have to miss a few meetings over the next few months or join a new group, that might be good too for your love of your hobby.

Also, come to think of it ... You now have shared car rides, hobby sessions, endless texts and he's never talked at all about his wife and child AT ALL? Teeny tiny red flag there...

OTheHugeManatee · 11/09/2015 12:31

Going against the grain to say I think you should be a bit more direct than just cooling off with no explanation. I'd say something like 'look, we have lots of fun together doing and there's nothing going on between us blah blah but you're married and we text a lot and I think it looks bad. I don't want to cause aggro with your wife by giving the wrong impression so can we take a step back please and stop texting/hanging out'. Then just stick to your guns politely but firmly.

If you can sense a sexual tension between you chances are he can too, though he may be denying it or just a bit dozy. By pointing out how it looks and aligning yourself with his wife rather than him you can let some air out of the relationship you and he have without being forced to confess your crush and make it worse.

AndDeepBreath · 11/09/2015 12:50

Hmmm... Good point. Of course if you did go for that approach, be aware that it might bring up that "but my wife doesn't understand me like you do" moment, especially since they've got a special secret club which the wife clearly isn't a part of. Flattering and so on, and boom - you're another woman in an endless cycle of "he promises he'll leave his wife/his kid hates me".

I'm not saying that all blokes cheat of course (they don't) or that this guy is interested (he may not be) but after watching this unravel time and time again, I'm all for protecting the OP in this.

I also don't think this means the end of a friendship. Crushes do fade in time but that awkwardness could last forever. And if he is oblivious, a "don't be ridiculous, you're not my type" response from him could be cutting too.

rosieliveson1 · 11/09/2015 14:00

Actually, I agree with this

I like that it's honest, direct and puts you firmly in control.

OTheHugeManatee · 11/09/2015 15:39

I think the answer to 'but my wife doesn't understand me' is 'well, you need to sort that out with your wife. Spending time with me isn't going to make that better and might make it worse.'

LovelyFriend · 12/09/2015 10:27

THinking about this purely from your perspective OP, as long are you are emotionally tangled up with this man you will not be available to meet someone who is actually single and available to you.

So from a purely selfish POV, if you really don't want to go down the road of having an affair with this man (and thankfully it sounds like you don't), then please start prioritizing yourself.

This means disentangling yourself from him and giving your feelings a chance to settle down.

Get yourself to meetings/hobby. It's easy to do - just imagine he isn't around - would you still have your hobby? If yes, then you now how to manage that. If no, then perhaps stop the hobby for a while until you find a way to facilitate it yourself without relying on him.

Re the texting, make a decision to stop texting him. While you may miss it/find it hard for a while, it's really not hard. Put yourself back in control.

You need to make a priority of maintaing some space from him for your own emotional good.

a while ago I had very strong feelings for a lovely married man I met through a hobby. I am also single. I didn't want to feel this way about him but it was very overwhelming and confusing for me. So I created a big space between us, never saw or communicated with him alone etc. I totally put him to one side until I got a bloody grip. And it worked for me. I still see him occasionally, he is still a lovely person whose company I very much enjoy. But the feelings have subsidised completely and things are now very normal between us. It took some time, determination and action on my part though.

ComeDownToMe · 12/09/2015 12:52

For as long as you continue to see him, text him and get lifts from him you will be fuelling your feelings for him. Personally I think you do need to go cold turkey.

I suspect if his wife saw how often you were texting each other she would be hurt and be concerned. Don't do anything that could get you involved in their marriage.

Original poster

Worriedsingle · 12/09/2015 17:25

Thanks everyone. I do appreciate it.

I just want to say that Tom (not his real name) is a lovely, lovely, man. I really don't think he would ever hurt me or his wife and child. He is from a religious background/culture, but is not religious himself. His culture heavily disaproves of divorce/affairs, so I doubt it has even crossed his mind!
This is probably why I haven't met his wife. In his culture, women tend to be less-independent, and therefore don't do extra hobbies, etc. I don't mean this in a nasty way, I am just trying to explain why I haven't met his wife yet.

I haven't texted him since I started this thread, neither has he texted me. I think the next time I see him will be Wednesday as we have a group meet-up then.

OP posts:

Spartans · 12/09/2015 17:44

Tbh it's not odd that you haven't met is wife. I train at my small gym 7 times a week. Am good friends with a few men and women from there. We speak sometimes away from the gym and do sporting events together. Dh hasn't met any of them. He isn't into the gym or the sport we do. No need for him to.

From the sounds of it this is a very one sided crush. So it's up to you to sort it. Personally I like the idea of being up front but it's likely to make even more alward. I would just stop replying to texts and then tell him it feels inappropriate if he asks why.

RyanORiley · 13/09/2015 03:13

No lifts
No texts
Strike up a friendship with a woman or a single man at the hobby.
Open you eyes to the possibility he is grooming you for an affair.

Narp · 13/09/2015 19:16

I don't think it's odd that you haven't met her, but I do think it's telling that he does not talk about her.

I agree with Ryan

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