If you've lost your own parents, have you found happiness again in having your own family?

[hollieberrie]

I'm 36, an only child and both my parents have died. I'm single and although I'm coping - have friends, some hobbies - I'm struggling to imagine a future where I'll ever feel happy and complete again.

In real life I don't know anyone who has no family. So wanted to ask on here - if youve lost both your parents , have you managed to rebuild happiness by creating your own family unit? Does meeting someone and having a family give life joy and meaning again? Do you still have that ache of missing them or has having your own children helped that to ease?

I would like my own family but terrified of how'd I'd ever do it without my mum here. Any experiences would be great to hear. I never thought I'd be in this position and it's heartbreaking.

Hi Hollie, so sorry you are going through this. My Dad died when I was in my late 20s and the same year my Mum got diagnosed with dementia. Now, 10 years on I have dc and it is lovely to see aspects in dc that remind you of your parents. But I do miss them very much, I think about how they would have loved having grandchildren, and how fantastic they would have been, such positive role models. So it is a blessing and a point of sadness for me. I absolutely love my mum to bits, but she doesn't remember that I am her daughter or even my name any more, I think all the time of things that I would love to ask her, but can't. So I do understand where you are coming from. But life does have to go on, and you have to look for happiness where ever you can find it, if nothing else but to honour them. Not sure if that helps Hollie xx

I understand.

Yes and no - yes it helps, but it also brings home very starkly what I've lost.

Be aware no HCP in the land has apparently encountered somebody with no family too and it will be assumed you have grandparents waiting and willing

I miss mine too there are people my age with grandparents still living but - what can you do?

I find it hard. Some if my lack of family is through 'choice', but not genuine choice.

I have an estranged sibling and am nc with my mother. There is no one else.

It breaks my heart and I haven't been able to replicate family with friends so my children have no family. They have no one ti see at their birthdays or Christmas, no one takes them out in the school holidays or at the weekends. No one shares family tradition ir wisdom with them. They have me.

I am still amicable with their dad, and he sees them a lot, but he doesn't do anything with them.

I feel guilty that I haven't been able to provide them with family and I have no support network. There is me.

I find that the guilt and resulting sadness outweigh the good stuff.

Hi Hollie,
So sorry to hear your situation. My mum died very suddenly 6 months ago when my little boy was 9 months old (my only child). I was and still am, devastated. My parents hadn't been together for over ten years and my Dad isn't particularly paternal (he went on holiday when my mum was in hospital, knowing that she could pass away within days and that we would need support). My siblings and I have only got closer since her death, we rarely spoke before. Having my son to look after has certainly helped in a way as parenthood has been a good distraction. He was poorly and teething when she passed away and my DH had to return to work fairly soon after so "just had to get on with things". His and my unconditional love for each other has been of great comfort.

However, it has also made it a little harder as I feel that I can't always grieve when I need to and I constantly wish that she could see all the little things that he does and feel that she's missing out on so much as she adored him. We don't live near any family and his other grandparents are of the "out of sight, out of mind" mentality. As for doing it without her, you can, absolutely. Yes it hurts not to have her support, advice and mainly just her shared love of him (I constantly find it hard that I have no family member who cares enough to hear about my son, send photos to etc). Having said this, you learn to trust your maternal instincts and that you, and you alone (along with a partner if you have one) know your child the best. It does make you stronger I believe.

Hope this has helped a little. Should also add that friends can be just as important and supportive to you when parenting as family. There are some great support networks out there x

I'm so sorry. Sending you massive hugs.

I lost my Mum 12 years ago, and I will admit, I missed her very, very much when my DC arrived. I lived overseas though, so she wouldn't have been on hand to provide practical help, but I would loved to have been able to talk to her about things, cry down the phone when needed, and ask advice.

My lovely Dad died last month (I'm 41, my DB was 39). I have a fab DH and two lovely little ones. I won't lie - my beloved parents have left a hole that will never be filled, but having my own family unit helps immeasurably.

Can I relate another story for you?

About five years after my DM died, my DF befriended a lovely lady. I don't know the ins and outs of their relationship, but I don't think it was a romantic one. More, a mutually satisfying companionship between two independent people, who got on very well. DF and Lovely Friend would've been in their late 60s at this point.

Just a year later, my DF got cancer. It was touch and go, but he pulled through and recovered. LF was by his side the whole time. Wonderful for me and my brother, as we were on the other side of the world.

Because he recovered - me, DH and our DC decided to move across the world to my home country, to be closer to DF. To enable him to have a relationship with his grandchildren, and for me to be closer to him.

We've had the past 6.5 years with him, he got to know his grandkids, I got to know LF, my DChave fab memories of him, for which I am so grateful. However, his health has been an ongoing issue. Through all of that has been LF, by his side, driving him to hospital (I still live 4 hours away - much closer than the other side of the world, but not quite close enough to be on-hand), looking after him, and making sure he was OK (she's a retired nurse, serendipitously).

Anyway, my Dad died from health complications last month. LF was there with me at the end.

She is an only child, and she never married. Obviously she lost her own parents many years ago.

However, in her late 60s, she met my Dad, she was enveloped into his huge friendship circle, and she also 'acquired' me, my family, and my DB. We are so thankful for her coming into our lives. I bet she got to her 40s, 50s, 60s, and could see her life panning out in front of her, but little did she know that she would get to her late 60s, and her life would turn on a dime, with all these people coming into it and welcoming her into the fold. She is coming down to stay with us in 2 weeks, she'll be spending Christmas with us - my DB and his partner are coming home, and we can't wait.

If there's a moral to this story - it's that you just never know what is around the corner. Things can change in a heartbeat.

Stay positive. It's so hard losing both your parents.

sorry you are feeling sad. Having no family can make you very independent. It is sad, but in the end we all lose our parents, hopefully! Because the alternative is they lose us. So it is part of life most of us adjust to reasonably well.

I'm struggling to imagine a future where I'll ever feel happy and complete again. is this a recent loss? It sounds like you are still at the very early stages of grief, in which case it is likely to get better fairly steadily.

if it was a long time ago and you are not moving one, it might be worth speaking to your GP

Charis, but there is an age thing here.

Most people I know who have lost both parents are well into their 40s and 50s and have perhaps experienced their parents go 'downhill' - I lost both mine before I even turned 30.

Even some of the posts on here don't 'really' get it - going non contact isn't the same, I don't doubt it's not extremely painful but it's different, in the same way that a widow will experience different pain to a woman divorced. My mum died when I was 15 and I was NC with my dad for a while (his choice) because he met another woman who didn't like me and he chose her. In many ways that was MORE painful than his death when I was 29 but nonetheless it was different.

Really I grieve for them - they should have had longer lives and happier ones and they should have known their grandchildren. My brother killed himself as he just couldn't cope.

Many of my friends have grandparents still living. I don't know anybody who has lost both - I know one or two people who have lost one but not both.

I've lost both a long time ago, I feel it changed me, I grew up very independent. I have never been an adult with parents, I can't imagine being in that situation. I don't miss them or want anything any different, but like I said, it was a long time ago.

Independende is a great quality but most people have it without having to lose their entire family first

I suppose what I am saying is that the OP and others is allowed to feel sad about it.

I barely remember my mum properly - if someone asked me if I missed her I would say no because I don't even fully remember who she was - but it's fair to say there have been times I've missed having a mother. I missed having a mother when I got married and had babies especially. My dad - I just miss him, really.

shining actually I find your comment really offensive. I'm actually angry and that rarely happens. I haven't missed any point. I had no choice but to be nc with my mother 6 months before my dad died and I can tell you that, for me, there is very little difference.

The outcone is still the same. I am still completely alone, my children still have no family.

In an emergency I have no one to call on, I have np one to call with good news. There is no one to pass on family traditions. Nobody to love me/them. We are still completely alone ad I haven't found having children makes that easier.

It is when they are babies because you focus on them, but as they get older they want to know who their family is, why they aren't going to visit their grandparents like their friends, why there are only 2 birthday cards from their parents and not cards/phonecalls from other family members.

your not alone though, you are a Mum. I have few adult relatives, but many good friends. If you have a relative who just has a negative impact on your life, just don't have anything to do with them, I don't see the problem. Just because there is a genetic link, doesn't mean you should mourn their loss from your life, any more than anyone else you don't like.

I don't believe all this blood is thicker than water. And I don't think giving extra weight to family relationships over friendships makes any sense. You just end up thrown together with people you haven't chosen, and might not even like you or trust you, but feel obliged to you.

Just enjoy having the people you love in your life, what difference does it make if they are genetically linked to you or not? You are not more alone because the people you love and rely on, and who rely on you are friends rather than family.

The OP's question is rather different though, she is trying to see a way through grief, and again the fact that she is grieving for relatives rather than friends is irrelevant, she is grieving very much for people she loved. She could have been grieving just as much if she had no relatives, but had lost her best friends. It is the grief she needs support with, possibly medical support if she has been feeling like this for a long time.

I think the point I'm trying, and clearly failing, to make is that creating your own family to fill a void is a double edged sword.

On one had it is great and gives you something to focus on but, as time goes by, that can be replaced by a sense of guilt at what they are missing out on by only having you and not having a family; blood or otherwise.

For me, the guilt overshadows everything else.

I think the op should seek to address her grief elsewhere/first.

My DH has lost both parents and his only remaining family member and him aren't close.

We have a very happy life together but mother can make up for the loss of all his family, one doesn't compensate the other.

As time has home on he's learnt to live with his loss better but it still hurts him very much. His outlook on life is different as a result, if you want something then do it now as you don't know what's around the corner.

I regret you found it offensive Folk but I do still feel it's a point worth making.

There is a difference between being non contact with a parent and a parent dying - I have already said that in many ways being non contact is more painful and harder than grief through death - but they are different, and it's different again when you've lost one parent but the other still lives.

Really everyone's situation is as individual as their relationship with their parent(s).

Thank you so much for your replies everyone, and so sorry for your losses. It really helps to hear that I'm not alone, cos in real life it feels like it. As good as my friends are, for me it's not the same as family, & none of them have lost anyone so they can't really relate. (I hope I don't sound too bitter and jealous! I am a bit ).

My dad died a few years ago and my mum last year - very sudden and unexpected and we'd had a (uncharacteristic) row so i never got to say all the things I wish I could have, which kills me.

Shining - I can relate to what you say about grieving for them as well as for me. Both their lives cut short, never got to enjoy a retirement , be a grandparent etc. I'm very sorry about your brother. I guess I feel a bit that way - I need to find something to look forward to, a belief in the future , so that I can keep going.

No imminent plans to have DC but I would hope this will happen , although my age panics me a bit.

Folkgirl and Yorkie - that no one to share photos/stories etc is very hard (when I travel somewhere I'd always text my mum to say I'd go there safely and she'd always reply), can imagine it's so sad and painful when you want to tell them about your DC. Seeing happy grandparents out and about kills me already and I'm not even a mum

Dowager - thanks for you stories. LF sounds lovely! I want one . What a lovely outcome for both you and her.

Agh, posted too soon.

Charis - I've had counselling but not sure it's helped that much and I've resisted anti-depressants so far. To be honest though I do have days where I feel what is the point of carrying on. I guess it will make me stronger and more independent and I need to hold onto that - I was definitely not either of those things before!

Thank you everyone for responding.

Ipaid - I'm so sorry I didn't manage to reply to your post yesterday - couldn't get the app to work properly and am sans laptop at the moment.

I really appreciate your lovely reply - I cried when I read it. So sorry for your losses. You're right, I do need to concentrate on healing first and not thinking that having a family will be a fix all cure for my grief. I just need to find some kind of happy future that I can imagine , to help me pull.myself through iyswim.

I never ever thought I'd lose both my parents at this age. You were even younger so I really sympathise and thank you for being so honest about how hard it is.

Glad you've managed to create magical Christmases for you and your DD. Last year was awful for me so this year I am just going to pretend it's not happening and watch box sets and eat curry!

I'd love to talk more about it. Sorry again for he slow reply. DM if you feel able.

x

I lost both my parents by the time I was 25. They both died really suddenly and unexpectedly so I never got a chance to say goodbye or anything. It's an odd situation though as both my grandmothers are still alive. Definitely agree that people can't relate to you and always assume that your parents are around which can be really awkward to explain.
I'm now about to have my first baby and I have definitely missed my parents a lot. Particularly my mum, we never really talked about her experiences in TTC or pregnancy and I missed having her to compare experiences with. I don't have a lot of other family either and my DH's family live a long way away. It makes me sad that there won't be many people coming to the hospital to see the baby and that he will never know my parents, who would have been amazing grandparents.
It's been 4 years since I lost my dad and 2 since I lost my mum. All I can say is that it is shit and it never really stops being shit but it does get easier to live with. Hope you are doing okay xxx

My mother died when I was in Year 9. My grandparents had also all passed away by then but we are a family who tend to have children later and so that wasn't so surprising.

Strange as it sounds, I thought lightning wouldn't strike again twice and my dad would live to a ripe old age and he died last May, aged 69 (I was 32) - I was and am heartbroken that he won't get to be a Grandad. That said, it's made me more determined to have my own family because when it comes down to it, they're the ones who matter.

Hollie - glad you read my message before I asked MNHQ to withdraw it - I worry that I overshare on here sometimes hence my asking for it to be removed! Feel free to PM me if you ever want to chat.

to all of us who have lost our parents