Freedom programme , What a eye opener.Why do some of us ignore the Red flags ?.

[gottafindaman4yagirl]

Just started reading a book called Living with the Dominator, freedom project.
I really did think I was mot stupid enough to fall for a man, be treated badly then ignore what was staring me in the face.

He started the love bombing, promises and seemed like the perfect man for a month. Stupidly and rightly pointed out on MN, I was being very irresponsible to introduce this man into my home and meet my kids. I can see that now.

But the scary thing is he started to convince me that his angry outburst which came out the blue, Was my fault. Then he would revert back to the loving and caring man I met.

I ended up ignoring my gut and had my first panic attack after his mental abuse after one of his outburst. He's a bully, he's probably bullied his ex and other women going from snippets of info from his stories.

Anyway the freedom program book is a eye opener, Thanks to all the comments regarding my last post. I was being a bit defensive but I needed to be told the truth x

Why do smart women end up in such situations, these men are very smart at trapping women and then twisting things.

I feel total relief to of seen the light and got rid, problem is dealing with telling a bully to go away.

Not stupid enough :)

I read your other thread gotta, and was so pleased that he was gone at the end! I think it's what you said in the OP

I kept ignoring my gut - I think lots of us do, because we don't WANT to believe they are treating us badly, we don't WANT to face them not being the man we are fond of or in love with. Trusting gut instincts is probably the best indicator of whether a relationship's a good deal or not. Lundy Bancroft even says in one of his books that a woman's guy instinct is the most accurate way to tell if a partner is going to be violent - regardless of whether he has been or has threatened to.

So glad you're enjoying the freedom book, that one's on my list, soon as I can afford it :)

*That would be 'gut' instinct not 'guy' instinct, although both work!

A person can be smart and still be desperate for love. Desperate enough to ignore red flags. These men can sense which women are vulnerable or lonely or desperately wanting to feel loved and target them. I used to be one of these women so can empathise! Thank god for discovering mumsnet and learning about red flags!

I think it's a case of not seeing, rather than ignoring...or at least it was in my case.

Totally agree with you MsTargaryen...

It's in our mort vulnerable state they walk in to our lives and treat us to the extend we allow them to. As soon as we put the boundaries they leave or temporarily pretend to be nice...

What an awful and pathetic way to live the life.

Sad.

I think for many women who have had a poor parental relationship to model, we have no conception of red flags, or may have been brought up to believe that those red flags are actually bunting... "If he didn't love you then he wouldn't get so angry when he sees you talking to a man." Etc etc

I had a family member witness his temper when he got angry and banged his fist on a table, I was helping my friends boyfriend who was very drunk. He got angry about me doing this, angry I had hidden and not deleted my online dating profile. Angry I didn't have his number stored on my phone, also when I refused his help to pick me up with my food shopping. He said I didn't want to spend time with him and about pervy cab drivers. Said we don't have as much sex, said I held back on sex when i had a drink.Kept wanting to do things for me, insisting on going clothes shopping with me, very controlling and obviously wanting to make me dependant on him. Mentioning he'd want to marry me and have a baby together.

What got me was when he told me he accused his ex of getting sex elsewhere because he wasn't getting any, she had a two month old baby.

Reading the freedom program book I can see a bit of him on every page, feel sick with myself. I do have my family for support and my mum was a victim of physics abuse many years ago and told me to get rid of.

I don't think I'm desperate for love, I do miss having a partner. My own father is a great dad and husband. My mum had many issues due to being a victim of abuse in her younger years by her first boyfriend. I personally have never had physical abuse but think the man I just dumped could of been capable on day.

I can see my exh was a bit abusive too and I need to be very careful in the future. I thought I was strong but obviously I can't be. My sisters had the same problems yet comes across much harder than me personality wise.

The Freedom Programme is great, but I would also recommend personal therapy to work on boundaries, and improving self esteem too, for anyone who can afford it. And to take the time to find the right therapist who is a good fit.

Pat Craven and her team were invaluable to me when I went through this. They were ace, and listened to me sob, and swear, and rant, a lot! They do run courses for abusive men, which have a 60% or so success rate. The trick is getting men to choose to go on them, willingly...that is 90% of the battle, as they can't accept they are wrong about anything, ever. Their self concept is far too fragile.

Anyhow. Well done you! :) :)

Thanks Queen, This man gave me a wake up call and I'm not going to waste this life lesson.

Never thought of therapy before, I'm body confident and positive and independent but there's definitely some part of me craving partnership and feeling like its a missing piece of my life. Boundaries might be a very good idea for me now thinking about it.

I've actually done the freedom program where you go to group meetings. It was bollocks imo. Complete waste of my time, they kept banging on about fairy tales with different ending where the Princess ends up alome in her tower with all her money to herself.

Anyone in this situation you can send refer for cbt on the NHS, you don't have to pay. Self esteem and boundarie work will be a better investment in yourself.

Maybe your facilitator wasn't the best Brandnew? Most people find it brilliant and life changing. I also attended a group.

And CBT isn't the best type of therapy for looking at where these patterns come from.

If you can go deep with your counseller about core issues, dopamine patterns and how to train your brain with serotonin type of relationships it can help immensely.

Queenofknight I was in a womens refuge at the time and we all agreed it was rubbish. It was the standard work sheets i would assume that they all use.

another recommended read is Why Does He do That, by Lundy Bancroft.
Lundy has personally given me the go ahead to use big quotes from his work on this support forum - there is a thread somewhere to identify the different 'types' of abuser and how to recognise them.
He has written another couple of excellent books - should I stay or should I go, one about the kids, and another self esteem one to help you through.

here in the thread I will bounce it again!

Well some of the red flags are only red flags if they're abusive if you see what I mean. My ex was very romantic and demonstrative in the beginning, which is often stated to be a red flag. Turned out to be very abusive. My DH was, and continues to be very romantic and demonstrative (three bunches of flowers last night for no real reason) and unless he has a sudden personality change, is in no way abusive.

I also agree that it's often a case of not wanting to see them though. Ex was telling me who he was from the start and I ignored it because I didn't want a failed relationship after I had given up so much.