Should he stay or should he go?

[Notamused71]

I'm totally at a loss of what to do.
For any outsider, my OH and I, plus 5-yr old twins have an ok life, but when the doors are shut at home, there is often a lot of verbal aggression. My OH and I don't get on, fight over a lot of partly trivial things. There's zero intimacy and we've had sex 1x since the kids were born.
I'm the main bread winner, which means that my OH often looks after the kids after school (we're both self-employed). Not a problem in itself, but as a creative, he often works on projects that don't pay or go nowhere (and he's got plenty of time now the kids are at school). I don't allow myself any projects that don't pay because I can't afford to.

I don't fancy my OH anymore. I walk around cursing him when he's not in the room.
Despite of all that, he is a nice person and the kids obviously adore him. He's not abusive. I just feel he's useless a lot of the time, and that I can do most things better on my own. (I organise most things around our lives - and not because I want to.) From an emotional perspective I feel it's over, but I don't know whether it's fair on everyone to separate, particularly the children.

I'm thinking very rationally about practicalities here. I feel that it might be very hard for my OH to stand on his own feet if he left. Would I have to support him, and subsidise his living arrangements or a flat if I wanted to keep the children here in the mortgaged house?
My best friend thinks we should work on the relationship and make more time for each other as a couple. The last time we went out together I wished we'd gone out as a group because I didn't enjoy our conversation very much. We have a lot of shared interests and enjoy similar things but is that enough to just coexist? Or is this just the norm and simply what families do post-small-children exhaustion?

Have your twins just started school, or did they start last year?

If it's very recent, I'd suggest hanging fire for a couple of months to see if the change in routine also brings a change in your relationship.

Is it worth trying couples counselling?

In terms of the financial practicalities, it's probably best to see a solicitor who can advise in detail on possible scenarios. But basically, if you want him to leave and you stay in the house, you'd need to buy him out. However, if you plan to be the resident parent then you could potentially only be required to buy him out of a lower percentage.

Spousal support is unlikely to be granted for him unless he's planning to remain the RP and has given up his job/career to be SAHD (which it doesn't sound like.)

Thanks pocketsaviour. Kids started school last year so we sort of know the drill. My gut feeling is that suggesting couple counselling spells out the problem and that could make it sort of final, if that makes sense.
I hear your, I should speak to a solicitor to find out about the options. And to answer your question, my OH has certainly not given up his career to become a SAHD. He keeps on trying to get somewhere but refuses to consider a career change.

I think counselling is ok if both are actively wanting to sort things out, but also you don't need it if you have made a decision. It sounds like you know where you stand so you want advise on the practicalities.

Paperwork and passports, look into tax credits etc he is a grown up I wouldn't start looking at how to support him. Your statement about he can't stand on his own two feet is enabling and defeating your best possible outcome before you start.

The end of the relationship might just give him the shove he needs to take some responsibility, but yours is you the kids and a safe roof over your heads.

he is a grown up he he has to be able to act like one

Er, on the little detail provided, it sounds like the OP's partner is classed as the main caregiver. He is likely to get custody of the kids + house.

I would not make any plans around tax credits - they'll be gone in a couple years.

Notamused71 " I just feel he's useless a lot of the time, and that I can do most things better on my own."

I wouldn't be able to put up with a partner if I felt that way about them. I guess it's only fair if you tell him how you feel but it's hard because how do you say "shape up, you're useless"?!

is he doing a lot of free work? Totally pointless. I see a lot of people doing free work x number of times because they think it will lead to paid work. What seems to have happened is there is an endless supply of people willing to do free work.

it would be fair enough if you sat him down and told him he needed to contribute more - either financially or practically but it sounds like you do everything. Would it be helpful for you to have him as a SAH? Would he consider that?

Thank you, really appreciate this.
Interesting, don't know what is classed as a main care giver. I look after the children when I don't have any work that could be 1 or 2 afternoons a week. If I do work more, he resents the fact that he "has" to look after them, so he'd probably not like to class himself as a SAH. Financially it wouldn't make much of a difference as I pay for most things anyway.
I've said many times he needs to consider other things, but he always has "something in the pipeline". I do respect that he has looked after the children a lot over the years, so don't want to disregard this but constantly feel that I'm the one keeping this ship afloat. In an ideal world, he goes off, sees the kids on agreed days/afternoons, gets a job - and we can both start a new life without constant resentment.

Er, on the little detail provided, it sounds like the OP's partner is classed as the main caregiver. He is likely to get custody of the kids + house.

I have to agree. It sounds like he is the main carer.

In an ideal world, he goes off, sees the kids on agreed days/afternoons,

He could say the same about you though. I agree with pp that he is the main carer.

notamused71 "In an ideal world, he goes off, sees the kids on agreed days/afternoons, gets a job - and we can both start a new life without constant resentment."

right, pretty much a half half? Sounds like he wouldn't want to be main carer. I think it sounds like he will object to getting properly paid work though. But your ideal world sounds perfectly achieveable.

you're not married I take it?

sounds like he is the main cocklodger to me

So, basically we're talking about what's normally the case -
"Man leaves woman to find new happiness, wife gets house and kids" - only reversed?
Trouble is I do want to look after the kids, I just don't have the financial liberty not to work when I get it. Perhaps it really is time for some legal advice... and yes, we are married. Off to pick up kids now...

You know what outcome you want. Keep that firmly in mind. Consult a good lawyer - one with plenty of experience, I found one from the Resolution site, and specifically looked for a woman who had graduated a couple of decades ago or so.

My DC were grown when I divorced ex, so I don't actually know, but think I have read your situation does not rule out you being the one who has residency. Something about it being taken into consideration who actually does the child care?

This is why you need advice from an experienced professional.

If you really have lost respect and love for him and know you want to split I won't argue with you. Just checking though that he does know how you feel, though, and isn't kind of just assuming he can carry on waiting for something to turn up.

I also wonder if he has twigged that his 'uselessness' is quite possibly s big factor in why you no longer fancy him. I wonder if a wake up call might, well, wake him up to the fact he has to stop diddling about and find some real work if he a) wants to have a career and b) wants to save his marriage. But obviously you'd need to tell him, loud and clear, how fed up you are

Even if he is the 'main carer' it doesn't mean he will get the house and the kids! That is a myth.

In my case exh was a sahd, he left, I worked full time and kept the children, neither of us could keep the house.

Everyone's case is different of course. Get legal advice and also find out what he wants if/when the relationship ends.

Thanks! Much appreciated. I'll get some professional advice.

Sonjasister. I think you have a point there. I guess the reason I'm asking all these questions is that deep down it would be great to salvage the relationship. So I guess I need to give him a final warning instead of nagging all the time. At least if he realises that I'm serious he can take steps and yes that would earn him some respect. If he thinks I'm completely wrong, then it leaves me no with no other option than to separate.

having read all the threads I could have written your query 'Notamused' almost. I have been mulling over my own situation DC in teens feelings towards DH much reduced to brotherly love (worked together along time) get on but all like 'old slippers' we have been together 23 years. I would suggest you go with your gut feeling put the practical things to one side ask yourself these questions.
What do you really want?
Where do you want to be in 5/10 years time?
Can you see both of you growing old together

If the answer to these is as you have suggested then I would advise getting out now whilst the children are young, you can move on, maybe meet someone else who you have respect for and likewise your husband too.

In my own situation we have had our situation compounded by other factors and I am now in a place where the likely outcome is parting which is v. sad as we have alot of history together but in my heart it's not what I want anymore. So if you feel that is where you are heading do it before things get worse

The main friction seems to be his lack of income. You've run out of patience bcs you have to carry the can while he farts about waiting for the 'big break'.

That's what I'm getting from your posts, anyway. These are within the bounds of 'normal' tensions in a lt relationship (where 'normal' tensions can get unbearably intense) but if they're not addressed they'll kill the relationship stone dead. As you have seen.

Couples counselling is not necessarily the death knell at all - quite the opposite a lot of the time tbh. Packing in a marriage, all the expense and upheaval, is hideous, regardless of the circumstances. I'd want to turn over every stone first before I did that - which would include couples counselling as a first so at least.

I'm not pointing fingers here, op: I'm divorced. In my case there was nothing else for it - but if there was even the slimmest chance we could have retrieved the marriage I would have explored it. Basically, if you think you're at the end of your tether now, add the grinding process of divorce/splitting to that. It's vile (for all concerned).

If it's the right thing for you both/all it'll be worth it - just! But don't think it'll be the end of the stress: the stress will to through the roof.