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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Date or not to date, that's the question?

15 replies

Greenfaith · 09/09/2015 21:35

Ok I'm so sorry this might be extra long. I'm in my 30's and have only had two partners. Both relationships didn't turn out well with them cheating and the other abusive. Since then I haven't been out with anyone, it's 8 years now. (I'm not a beast) and I do get attention from men but because my last relationship was so very awful I'm worried. It's been do long I feel that I don't have the confidence. Also I met a guy 5 years ago, it was online and we have met only once. He tells me he wants to be with me but because he hadn't been with anyone for 5 years he can't bring himself to take our "relationship" further but he tells me wants to. I have kind of waited for this guy, which I guess is crazy. I care for this man so much, but I don't want to bully him into seeing me and he isn't pushing our relationship anywhere.
Could he really have done 5 years without sex? I believe him when he tells me his single but I was gullible to have believed my ex's too. I have had advice on this subject before but I feel like I need further advice. Please help!

OP posts:

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 09/09/2015 22:43

Err... online guy is full of shit. Men just don't behave like that. It's a strategy unpleasant men use to manipulate vulnerable women. He's mirroring your own position.

Have you had any counselling?

pinkyredrose · 09/09/2015 22:47

Not sure you need counselling, you just need a confidence boost. Have u any mates you could go out with, to a bar or a gig or something to get you back into the swing of things?

MsTargaryen · 09/09/2015 22:51

No no no no no. You're worth more than that.

Original poster

Greenfaith · 09/09/2015 23:07

Yes I can go out with friends, I do feel like pushed two ways with this guy. He tells me one thing- ( I love you, I see us together in the further) but he doesn't show me, his supporting, and funny, and I enjoy talking with him (which is everyday, twice a day) but I would have thought he would want to take me off the market. Also he tells me his been with no one for 5 years, can men even do that?

OP posts:

MsTargaryen · 09/09/2015 23:09

Who cares if men can even do that or if he has? If he has, it'll be because he's as vile as he sounds.
Anyone can talk it up but actions speak louder than words. He's just keeping you hooked as a back up plan.

Original poster

Greenfaith · 09/09/2015 23:16

As time has gone on, I do feel like I am his back up plan and he crys when I say I can't keep hanging on but yet he doesn't do anything about it. If you love someone or even care for them you wouldn't want to treat them this way surely. I just am scared I'm over reacting and maybe he is shy, and scared to move things along, or am I gullible?

OP posts:

Lovehandles · 09/09/2015 23:26

you have met only once in 5 years? I think you should try and move on from this guy he is doing you no good

Original poster

Greenfaith · 09/09/2015 23:36

Yes only once. I feel like I am the one bullying him to see me. He always tells me " he things once I spend time with him, I won't want to be with him" which I don't understand.

OP posts:

FriendofBill · 09/09/2015 23:39

That sounds like either a huge project or a huge con.
Stop investing yourself in this non starter. If there was going to be a return you would have seen it by now.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 10/09/2015 01:03

Nope, if a man doesnt have sex for 5 years his willy falls off. Fact

To borrow a tired old clich?? he's just not that into you. If you want to be in a relationship, then go look for a real one- sign up to a dating site, go to singles nights, meet ups, social clubs etc- don't wait around for some joker you've met once in 5 years.

hellsbellsmelons · 10/09/2015 12:09

Please forget this guy. He's sounds like a knob.

Please contact Womens Aid and enrol to to do their Freedom Programme (if you haven't already)
Your boundaries are no doubt, all over the place due to your last relationship.
It's best to attend in person but you can do it on line.
Teaches you all about what to look for, to spot signs of an abuser and to get away fast.

This guy you are talking to has red flags waving all around him and you don't see them. That's not good.

Freedom Programme, then you can get out there.

pocketsaviour · 10/09/2015 12:36

^This.

Freedom Programme will do you a world of good in feeling confident with setting boundaries and spotting red flags.

Online guy is a timewaster. He may be gay but wants to tell people he has a girlfriend because he's afraid; he may be terrified of sex; he may be hugely under/over weight and scared of rejection; he may be stringing you along in the hope of getting money out of you. Whatever the reason he acts as he does, he's not a suitable partner. Find someone who is!

BoredAdminGirl · 10/09/2015 12:45

Could online guy be your abusive ex?

BoredAdminGirl · 10/09/2015 12:45

oh apologies, you have met once. In that case I think he's married

Sotonwhere · 10/09/2015 13:08

This sounds to be like a very clear case of look at his actions and not his words.

He might say he loves you and wants to be together etc but in 5 years he hasn't made any efforts to make this happen. There's your very clear answer.

However do listen to him when he says you'll not want to see him any more once you know him a bit better- he's telling you he's a nasty piece of work. He's preparing you so that he can always say in the future that he told you what he was like so you can't complain when he bullies/hits/abuses you.

Steer well clear. There are plenty of lovely men in the world, you don't need or deserve to stick around waiting for this idiot any longer

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