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Original poster

How much 'me' time does your OH have? Maybe a AIBU post...

26 replies

ScandiCinnamon · 09/09/2015 16:47

I'm very curious to know how much time to themselves your OH's take demand feel entitled to have?

My OH works full time, travel for work at times over night, other times for several days and sometimes have to do work socials in the eve because of his job.

So, all other eve's and weekends is free time. How much is acceptable to have for one self? I.e. on own hobby or on voluntary evening arrangements (not imposed by boss)???

OP posts:
Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 09/09/2015 16:51

The answer is - the same amount of time as their partner has, having first dealt with necessary things like looking after the children, feeding everyone, etc etc.

DH has a long Sunday morning out about once a month with his car buddies. A whole day a couple of times a year. He also goes to the gym three mornings a week.

Neither of us tend to go out in the evenings, we like to be at home - but we will either watch TV together or do our own thing, so he has many hours then when his time is his own, as is mine.

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 09/09/2015 17:05

Whatever time he likes, he's an adult and doesn't need my permission to have a hobby elc likewise I have time as well.

If he works long hours then presumably he is the main earner and it's likely you work far less hours giving you more freedom to do things or just relax.

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 09/09/2015 17:09

How much is acceptable to have for one self?

Do you mean how much time is it acceptable for you to have to yourself? That's the only thing you actually have control of.

How much time do you have to yourself now?

Original poster
ScandiCinnamon · 09/09/2015 17:16

He goes out for voluntary work socials at least once a week. At the mo we have a babysitter on hand so I could too if I had friends that were able to go out.

I work PT so two days a week I look after home and take children to school/pick up/actitvities ..the normal stuff.

Weekends.....From April until end of September he spends 2/4 out of 5 weekends a month on his hobby. More often than not both the Sat and Sunday. Often staying away over night. And no, I don't do that. Can't. Two children and all....

OP posts:
ExtraBlessings · 09/09/2015 17:18

For us It's all based on everyone's needs at the time. DH likes to do one bike race a year and needs time to train for that. I try to accommodate by suggesting one morning at the weekend (often DS swimming lesson). In truth he'd love to spend loads more time on his bike but there's only so much weekend and he wants to see us too. In turn he supports me with my activities without batting an eyelid. We only have one DS though. I imagine it gets tricky with more.

Ps I'll watch with interest if you move this to Aibu! Everything from the sublime to the ridiculous there!

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 09/09/2015 17:18

The weekends are insane, how on earth can that be fair?

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 09/09/2015 17:20

Cookie how does 'whatever time he likes' work if you have DCs?

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 09/09/2015 17:21

In direct answer to your question, DH and I are a bit obsessive about having exactly the same amount of time away from the family (and each other) doing our hobbies / socialising / exercise etc.

Most of my friends seem to have roughly the same as their partners.

SAHP with all DC at school round here seem to get extra time in the week which is when they do treatments, lunch, voluntary work and exercise, which means their working partner gets extra playtime at the weekend.

SevenSeconds · 09/09/2015 17:22

I'm all for both partners having hobbies and a social life. Going out once a week sounds fine to me, but two to four weekends out of five, often both Sat and Sun, for half the year is completely excessive IMO.

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 09/09/2015 17:22

Often staying away over night. And no, I don't do that. Can't. Two children and all....

Does not compute. Why can he but you cannot? Same children. Same house. What's different?

Thebirdsneedseeds · 09/09/2015 17:24

DH has about one Saturday every couple of months to golf.
I have about one Saturday every couple months to go for lunch with friends/shopping/hair cut etc.

It's 50:50. But all of our relationship is 50:50. We like to spend weekend as a family. If I'm stressed out with ds I'll maybe get an hour in the house if DH takes him for a walk/park etc. I reciprocate so he can watch footy or mow the lawn in peace. It's pretty even - I'm lucky.

googoodolly · 09/09/2015 17:29

Well, it should be equal time for both partners. What is acceptable depends on other household commitments, children, financial constraints etc.

It seems like he gets a lot of weekends off, which is excessive, but you not taking nights away is a bit martyrish imo. He's not stopping you, you just don' want to. You can't moan at him for doing something that's available to you when you're choosing not to do it.

I don't see a problem with going out once a week, though. Presumably you can do the same.

Joysmum · 09/09/2015 17:31

I work on the basis of thirds if you've got kids that need childcare.

1 third for him, 1 third for you and 1 third all spent together as quality family time....and no complaining or expecting the other to forgo theirs if either of you chooses not to take up your third.

LBOCS2 · 09/09/2015 17:36

He has a hobby which he does one weekday evening a week, and every second Saturday morning. I take Sunday morning as a lay in (but could well do something else with it if I had plans, it's 'my' time), and go out maybe once a month with friends - not because I couldn't go out more, but because I don't get around to organising things as often. I'm about to join a club which meets monthly so I'll be adding that in to the diary too.

We also aim for one weekend a year away each (stag/hen/visiting friends abroad etc) and one for just us as a couple; one of the aunts usually has the kids for that

It works well for us.

FunkyPeacock · 09/09/2015 17:44

I am assuming 'me' time to be time when you are not at work & not responsible for children?

Both myself & my DH both enjoy a fairly equal amount of me time - it isn't necessarily equal over a single week or month but I would imagine evens out over a year!

We both have approx 4 weekends a year when we go off with friends doing hobbies or socialising, plus occasional days & evenings out. We also both exercise 3-4 times a week so are out of the house for approx 60-90 mins for that too

Sadly thus results in us spending very limited time together but as we don't have the opportunity to go off for a weekend together (no one to look after DC) we do things separately with out respective friends rather than miss out altogether

Skiptonlass · 09/09/2015 17:51

The amount of time on its own is irrelevant - it'll depend on work, other commitments etc.

What matters is that you have equal hobby time plus some time together as a couple

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 09/09/2015 17:52

So you work three days with four off, compared to his five and longer hours. It doesn't seem unreasonable then re his hobby for part the year as it's still far less time off.

Doesn't he miss the kids though after being at work all week?

Alibab, we just check plans together and arrange like that. He goes out far less than me as his hobbies are more home based but neither of us would like to be controlled as to if the other "let's" them do something. We don't count hours each either so very easy going.

flightywoman · 09/09/2015 18:15

Well, in the scheme of things he has very little evening time free as he works a lot of evening shifts. That means we don't get a great deal of time together. I can't do anything during the week because his work has no actual pattern and he isn't at home on the same nights each week or even the same number of nights in a week. And then when he is home I could do something except I quite like spending time with him because it's rare.

He has a season ticket for his football team and goes to the home games, and a limited selection of away ones, but he isn't selfish about it, he doesn't generally go boozing after the football, unless it's the last day of the season or I force him to go!

However, he does have time during the day when our daughter is at school and I'm at work, when he could do anything he liked...so in that sense he has a fair bit, and it's when stuff is open.

I don't get that bonus, but OTOH I am going away for the weekend in a couple of weeks so I think we're fairly evenly balanced...

Original poster
ScandiCinnamon · 09/09/2015 18:28

Yes by 'me' time I mean when not working or looking after children.

Yes of course I could go out in eve during week, when there is a babysitter. However, as for being able to do as much as him on weekends...I personally can't, as he is away/no one to look after DCs.

He has never adapted to family life well. Not saying he doesn't love and adore the DCs. He just chooses to spend his time doing his hobby. Endless arguments over this. I feel like a single parent a lot of the time.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 09/09/2015 18:42

Then he is a selfish prick. He is behaving as though you are a servant - your free time is dependent on whether or not he chooses to look after his own children.

NuckyS · 09/09/2015 19:09

Both of our 'me' time is shrinking as DDs are getting older and staying up a bit later, but generally we both do OK.

DW works PT (2 days per week) and I work FT with one day home to look after DCs (1 days per week we are both at work and a family member helps us out. We split household stuff 50:50 'cept 'heavy' stuff (I do that) and most finance stuff (DW does that).

We don't really go out very much due to living quite rurally and being a bit strapped at the moment. DW goes to a concert with friends every so often, and recently did some night classes. My 'me' time is usually an episode of something each night. I think I've been out once since last Xmas (getting old...)

We always set aside Saturday night for 'us' time - open a bottle of wine, and watch a film or a couple of episodes of something :)

googoodolly · 09/09/2015 19:10

Then he's being selfish and shitty.

Book some time in to yourself when you know he's around, and take it!

duggiecustard · 09/09/2015 19:12

We don't have any at the moment.

CocktailQueen · 09/09/2015 19:12

Doesn't sound like he spends much time with the dc. No wonder you feel like a single mum.

We split our free time so it's equal - after all essential jobs are done for the day. Same for sitting down in the evenings.

I wouldn't be happy with the balance of free time in your relationship - at all. What does he say when you talk about it?

123Jump · 09/09/2015 19:13

My DH runs his own business, very stressful,9-6, but does lots of late evenings for meetings. Also they now open on Sat mornings, he takes his turn with everyone else doing these.
I'm a SAHM atm.
He will ask after dinner if its ok if he goes to play golf for an hour. Like tonight. He will be back at 8, I'll have the kids ready for bed, he will put them to bed. If it doesn't suit he doesn't go.
At the weekends he likes a lie in, I'm an early riser. So I get up when needed by kids (8 ish if I'm lucky), but I can go back to bed in the afternoon if I like. If one of us wants some time we discuss it, we don't expect.

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