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Original poster

School Gates

13 replies

elfsmum · 28/11/2006 17:09

not sure if this is the right place for this, but how do you do the whole school gates thing?

I never remember as a child my mum being friends with other mums at the school gates, and when I got home I played with friends who were neighbours and never did the play date thing.

DH and I work full time, so we are literally at the school gates for a minute or two at a time, and no criticism aimed here, rather than the 10-15 mins the stay at home parents do chatting.

Other parents are fairly friendly and say hi, I've lingered longer attempting to strike up conversation (but am awful at small talk so dry up) and I've approached other parents who my DS wants play dates with handed over my number and suggested a get together. tried not to be too pushy, but nothing comes of it.

I have this imagined social life going on in school that my DS is excluded from as I'm not pals with their parents, he does get invited to parties and we take him.

His start was a bit rocky, nothing serious he was just noisy and a bit disruptive and silly, now he's in year 2 and has really settled down, so I'm also worried he has developed a reputation and the other parents don't want their kids mixing with him.

I love him to bits and am very proud of him, and I'd like him to have play dates etc, it hurts when I see other children going off on them, he's asked me repeatedly for one boy to come home for tea, and even though I've asked his mum - nothing.

Btw I'm quite shy and not very good at making friends and my one dread is that he'll be the same as me, although he isn't atm.

Any advice ?

OP posts:

3littlefrogs · 28/11/2006 17:20

It is hard isn't it? I was a SAHM until my first 2 were in yr 3. I had a very large gap, and went back to work when 3rd child was 1 yr. There are different groups at the school gates and IME if you are working it is harder to get involved socially.
I am about 20 years older than the other mums in dd's class and that also makes a difference. You just have to keep trying. Does the other child want to come to play?
Maybe a little invitation written by your dd to the child in question with your phone number and address on it might work?
Do you know if the other mum perhaps has a problem with coming out again to collect him from your house?
I quite often deliver the visiting child home again after tea if the other mum has younger children - it is less trouble for me - I don't have to drag a baby or toddler out.
Sometimes weekends work better for some parents. Do keep trying - I know it is hard when you are a bit shy.
Does your ds do any after school activities? Sometimes beavers or similar can broaden the choice of friends.
Good Luck.

Original poster

elfsmum · 28/11/2006 17:24

her children are the same age as mine, one in reception and one in year 2, they boys play together in school and he's always excited to see my DS, and they live within walking distance.

My DS went to his house once in Y1 so about a year ago, and I offered to return the favour but she said it didn't matter, she said he'd been no bother so I don't know what's happened.

yes he goes swimming and to gymnastics, and when football training is on in school we take him there too.

OP posts:

sarz · 28/11/2006 17:32

the best thing is to give an exact time and day, like 'can 'childs name' come over for tea on wed next week?' then on monday ask if its still on for wed, it works much better than 'would 'childs name' like to over sometime, here is my number.' They may not want to ring to invite themselves even though you have said its ok. I definatly agree with the 'after school' clubs (beavers, football etc) because he will make more friends who perhapes wont have already tarred him with the 'naughty child' brush, and hopefully then you and him will be more confidence with the school mums! good luck!

joelallie · 28/11/2006 18:02

Eh? You've asked a mother is he child can come home with yours and she's said no? How rude? Or do you mean that you extended an open invitation for 'some time'? If the latter you will have to be more specific - 'can X come to play after school on Friday? He can stay for dinner - is ther anything that he doesn't like?' The onus is on you to issue an invite - if you leave it open it's hard for the mother to take you up on it...in fact I can't imagine how she would. If you are lucky your DS will be invited back...but please don't be disappointed if he isn't...it doesn't always happen and is no reflection on you or your DS.

Being a working parent myself I started off school acting like a social dynamo for DS#1 - determined he wouldn's suffer because of my not being one of the 'playground mums'. It didn't altogether work as he chose his own friends in the end and I still suffer from not being a local born and bred ...

joelallie · 28/11/2006 18:02

Sorry - not really worth saying twice...

Hideehi · 28/11/2006 20:54

Do the mums get together socially ?
Our mums meet up once every half term and go for dinner, everyone feels included and the working mums catch up on the gossip it works really well.
How about taking the plunge and organising something along those lines, i bet if you printed a flyer with a time, date and location and handed it out you'd get a good turn out.

Starrmum · 29/11/2006 09:00

I am a full-time working mum and know exactly how you feel. It was compounded for me because my nanny picked my children up from school.

The other mums who aren't working or who are working part-time do, inevitably, have more contact with each other and therefore friendships do form.

It can very easily feel like it's a clique from which you're excluded, but it really isn't.

Best advice I can give is to get as involved as possible with school activities - the mums who are organising school fetes will be very grateful for your help, and they will be on the phone to you frequently at certain times of the year! It may not result in friendships for your child, but could result in some for you - I have made a couple of very good friends this way.

In terms of playdates, I wouldn't write an invitation, I would call the other mum. But as others have said, offer a specific date.

Finally, the other tactic I have employed, when ds2 seemed not be getting the invitations, was to get him to call to invite the child - it's then a call that be handed over to you. It reinforces the fact that it's the child who wants to arrange the date/see their child.

Good luck!

busybusymum · 29/11/2006 09:13

I usually have people say to me "DS would like to have your DS over to play one day, would you be ok with this?" I usually reply "yes thats would be lovely" they then say "Whats days are good for you?" we suggest days , if its a good day for both of us I say "ok tuesday sound good for us, just need to check my diary and will confirm tomorrow if thats ok?" This is a very quick conversation and doesnt require an lenghty small talk. I walk into school playgound 1 minute before school ends and boy do I hate it when school is late letting out!

MarsLady · 29/11/2006 09:14

Um....... I don't think it's rude for a parent to say no actually! There could be any number of reasons.

However I think that giving specific days would definitely be best. Sometimes other parents are just as shy as you.

Oh and I remember that there were 2 boys in DS1's class in primary school that had reputations for being lively. My kind of boys. We regularly had them over and they were as good as gold. I remember letting one of them hold my 3 week old baby. He was so chuffed. He handed her back by her toe, but other than that.... lol

Elfsmum... time and patience.

busybusymum · 29/11/2006 18:35

actually I often say no, between my 4 DC we are usually busy most afternoons and I dont often invite people to us because I am a childminder and have to think about the numbers of children I am caring for. On the occassions when I do invite kids over, we do lots of fun things (crafty, cooking, tent building, games etc)
but most times my DS goes to others he usually sits watching his friends play on their PS2/XBox etc!

I often watch parents going through the class inviting someone different every week. Each to his/her own.

I love the fact we all do things different it makes for such an interesting life.

LemonTart · 29/11/2006 18:39

I would ask again. For some mums, life is so hectic that she might just have forgotten to get back to you/get round to it. However, in her defence, if she knows little about you she might be wary about letting her child go round. I woudl be wary about my child going off anywhere with someone I didn?t know at all and had never spent time with. Maybe you could invite her back too for a coffee and a chat while your chidlren play for half an hour as a way for all of you to get to know each other? This might feel less intimidatin for her?
Keep persevering, play dates are important as you know and best way for you to make friends with other mums. I am shy too and find it hard but worth the effort.

flack · 29/11/2006 18:47

It doesn't just happen to working mums. I'm a SAHM, I chat to anybody, they all know me, and I end up feeling snubbed at the gates, too (and the DCs by extension). There are several circles of mums who regularly meet up for meals out and such and I never get invited (although they tell me about their excursions). I sort of assume it's just ME, but I can't be arsed to be bothered about it, any more. I am not sure if I like to do the same things, anyway. Plus some people hate hosting playdates so they won't even send their child around to yours since they don't want to feel obliged to return the favour

We have literally hosted dozens of playdates that are almost never recipricated. Some parents will never say yes to invites for whatever reasons and you just have to move on to inviting a different child. Some parents only respond if their own child does some intense nagging, and you can't much influence that.

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