Should I end this friendship?

[wortleberry]

10 years ago, I was single and living in a different county. I had a male friend - we had fun, similar interests and sense of humour. Eventually he found a girlfriend, I found a boyfriend and we stopped seeing each other but stayed in touch. I moved away, bought a house with my partner and had a child.

I hear from this male friend every so often, most recently a few months ago. He told me about his 'mid life crisis', that he is finding it hard to cope with his young child/job/unhappy relationship. He has also moved - and now lives in the same county as me, and in exactly the same area that we are considering moving to.

I'm troubled by the whole situation. I have thought about him every day since I heard from him. I'm now very anti moving house, my partner can't understand my change of heart.

I guess the answer is that there is something more to this, otherwise I wouldn't feel so petrified about bumping into him. I should ignore his email if I hear from him again. It's usually a case that he instigates contact, and I reply. However - I don't want to never hear from him again.

What are you afraid will happen if you do see him? Was there anything more than friendship between you at the time? Or did he hurt your feelings in some way? To be put off a move because you theoretically might bump into someone you were once friends with isn't normal, you're right.

Thanks for your reply. It was more than friendship at the time, but we had reservations about a relationship. So it didn't happen. I think we both hurt each others feelings on some level - there was a lot of game playing. But that shouldn't really apply to today and my house move? My instinct would be to tactfully ignore him.

Are you afraid of what you might do, Or what he might be hoping will happen?

I'm worried about my reaction. If I was with my family, I would feel embarrassment. But I want to understand why we are still in touch and whether it's acceptable. It's email contact - a few exchanges - about every 6 months.

and what kind of form do these exchanges take? You seem to be describing your interactions with this man, then and now, in very vague terms. Are you trying to airbrush what you believe to be an inappropriate level of intimacy/type of communication with him?

What's strange to me is that you seem scared of him. Like you would of someone who could damage you, or who had hurt you in the past. What is the unfinished business here?

I think you feel embarrassed because he is sharing more than is appropriate about his life now. You don't want to become his confidante if his marriage is in trouble. In your shoes I would tell my dh that I was worried about him over sharing. And I would leave a lot of time between messages. But it would not stop me from moving house!

It's usually general stuff about how we are, but the last exchange - bothered me. I think because he told me where he lives, and that he is unhappy. Does it sound inappropriate? Could it be damaging? I think that's why I'm here. I don't think he's really hurt me, only that we didn't try a relationship which I perhaps regret. But that's out of the question now.

I honestly can't work out what is worrying you- you had a thing with him, it didn't pan out, you're with someone else now.

Everyone has a history, if you bump into him, so what?

Do you not trust yourself to want to start something up with him??

If you'd prefer him to be out of sight, out of mind, just stop responding to his messages. I think you think that's the safest for your own family set up, and his. And you may well be right! Men confiding in you about their own relationship unhappiness when they have been interested in you in the past, is rarely a neutral thing IME. You don't want to cut him off, but if you move closer to him you would "naturally" go back to being closer friends, and you worry about where that might lead?

If that's the case, you basically have a few options:

• keep things as they are, with intermittent contact, but go ahead with your move and don't tell him you have done
• as above, but don't move or move to a different area - IMO a massive overreaction
• stop replying to his messages and accept that your "friendship" (which to me doesn't sound very friendly any more) is over

Cut contact and being on contact with a man you haven't seen for ten years ad emailing every six months might be flagging up feelings of what if or unhappiness in your current relationship. You're overinvested in a fantasy.

If you want informed advice you need to open up about what exactly you are afraid of? Do you have feelings for him? Does he for you? Has he overstepped a boundary in his emails? Have you told him more than you should have about your current relationship / family.

We need more details OP

Thank you for all your words of wisdom. I have had a couple of quite big personal issues over the past 10 years (rounds of IVF and another bigger issue that I don't want to disclose). My partner has supported me fully throughout these. As a result I've closed up somewhat, but I'm happy and very lucky with everything I have. I value his friendship as it reminds me of a time when I was more carefree. I don't have many friends that I've known for such a length of time. I must have feelings for him, otherwise I wouldn't be feeling this way? I'm not sure what his motives are. I haven't told him much, but he knows I'm happy and settled.

Maybe it would help you get it straight in your head if you wrote it down just for yourself? (i.e. on paper, not on MN)

I think the key questions are, how do you really feel about this man, and what's the worst that you imagine could happen just from living in his vicinity? Be honest with yourself or you won't get to the bottom of it.

Also, remember than instincts are usually there for a reason.

Thank you AskingAPal! Great advice. Writing my thoughts definitely seems to help.

Good! You seem in knots about this, and I hope it helps you clarify things :)