Not sure what to think

[UnsureAndUnsteady]

Hi All,

This happened a month or so ago, but it keeps playing over and over in my head and I am starting to struggle with it more and more.

Basically, a few months ago I woke up in the night and DH was having sex with me. I was so shocked and half asleep that it was over before I had really processed it. The next day he stated that I had initiated it and to be honest, whilst I have never done that before to my knowledge, I had no idea if it was even possible but thought it could be.

Then a month ago the same thing happened but this time I know I didn't do anything in my sleep as when I woke up I was in exactly the same position as I had fallen asleep in. Also he had "tried it on" when we went to bed and I told him that was so exhausted that I just couldn't that night. I didn't know what to do and once it was over he just went to sleep and I cried.

I brought it up with him the next evening (once the kids were in bed and the house was quiet). He tried to say he had been asleep too, to which I was really clear that as soon as he "woke up" he should have stopped, which he accepted. He said he was really sorry, knew it was unacceptable and it wouldn't happen again.

It hasn't happened at all since but every time I think about it, it really upsets me. I wonder if he did it more than those twice and I just didn't wake up (I have a very stressful job with long hours and two children so when I get into bed I sleep well). It has also caused issues in our sex life since.

I am not sure what I want to hear, I cant tell anyone in the real world as I am worried about what they will say or what they will think about him.

Having sex with you when you're unconscious is having sex without your consent and you know what that is, don't you?

He is gaslighting you by saying he was asleep, too.

Have there been other days where you've wondered whether you'd had sex in the night?

Reading this kind of thing makes my stomach churn it really does.
You know what has happened to you so you need to get some help.

Rape Crisis can help you to understand and deal with what has happened.
Or Womens Aid can also help.

Nothing about what you have described is acceptable in any way shape or form.
I'm not surprised you having issues coming 'to terms' with it all.

Please get some professional help and really think about whether or not you want to be in a relationship with this person.

Hi Imperial I do know what it is. That is what keeps playing over again in my head. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. I don't believe him for one second when he says that he was asleep too, I am not that easily fooled!

To be honest I couldn't tell you about in the mornings, I do know since this happened I haven't felt that I have had sex in the night but that is because I am now aware of the situation, prior to I have absolutely no idea.

In absolutely every other way he is a fantastic DH and Dad. He is supportive, kind and doesn't even raise his voice!

There's another thread on here just now started by an amazing woman who had the same thing done to her by her H, only worse as it involved both sleeping pills and videoing. He's just been sentenced to 10 years in jail and a lifetime restraining order.

You know he's raping you, don't you. No wonder you can't get it out of your head, and feel all wrong about it - that's because it is wrong.

Perhaps you should tell him that he's raping you and see where that gets you - but other than that I think that you should definitely call some professional help.

I know what it is but I wonder if he really understood that is what he was doing. I am trying not to make excuses for him and it is so hard to equate this amazing person with what happened. When you think of it you imagine dark alleyways or strangers in night clubs.

I think I will speak to someone in an anonymous way as I need to get this off my chest. If it had happened since we had the talk we would be in a totally different position now but he does seem to have taken it on board and it hasn't happened since.

Like I say I am not quite sure where I am going with this as I just feel so lost and alone.

Hi OP,

I'm sorry this happened to you. A similar thing happened to me.

He knows full well what he did, and what is more he has done it twice. The first time he knew he had done wrong, and tried to pin the blame on you and make you think you are being silly or crazy ("my husband wouldn't possibly rape me, surely, so his explanation that I instigated it while I was asleep must be the most plausible"). You brought it up with him and he gaslighted you. Read up about this, it made things very clear to me.

Then he did it again, knowing full well what he was doing, after you had already discussed it. This is not a mistake or a misunderstanding. He will try to make you believe it is, and either blame you or get you to share the blame. The guy who raped me used the exact words "you didn't put the boundaries back in place when I first crossed them". Your situation sounds eerily similar to mine.

I'm not good at advice, I didn't resolve it until I stopped all contact with him, that has taken a year after the advice I got here and we weren't even married or living together. But don't for a second think it is your fault, your actions that instigated it or that he is not aware of what he was doing.

When I discussed with my rapist the fact that he had raped me, he was shocked and hurt that I could possibly say he could do such a thing, he loved me. But I said to him he had sex against my will, when I hadn't given him consent, when I had said no, when I had clamped my legs together, when I had been asleep...that is rape, so he is a rapist, as unpalatable as it is for him to hear it. And rape is not an act of love, it's an act of violence, you don't have to be dragged off to a dark alley at knifepoint by a stranger to experience it, and that is why you feel so awful. A violent crime has been committed against you, by someone who you trust.

Please don't blame yourself, and please get help. I got excellent advice here, it's only once I managed to get out of the relationship altogether that I could see things clearly, and frankly I am horrified.

It's awful that it has made you feel like this, and I wouldn't want to defend what he has done, but I have heard of although admittedly don't know much about an actual medical condition usually called sexsomnia I think, it could be worth looking into that an perhaps he could attend a doctors appointment to discuss whether this is something he may suffer from? Whether it is that or something much more sinister on his part, it has obviously made you feel violated, understandably so, perhaps you could also attend the doctors and look at some sort of counselling or talk therapy, I guess then it comes down to whether this is some medical condition that you can work through together or whether he has consciously done this to you!

Pretty sure he does not have sexomnia

There is no medical condition that makes you sexually assault your wife. And on the extremely remote chance there was, a decent person would be horrified at the prospect and get themselves help asap, not say "meh I was asleep when I started to have sex with you, and maybe you played a part as well, never mind". It is not the OPs responsibility to give her husband excuses or explanations for what he has done.

He made her feel violated because he violated her.

OMG, he's sexually abused you and you feel worried about people will say, because you know what he is doing is wrong, wrong, wrong.

Until you actually not only just pull him up but kick his sad arse out your home then he wont ever take responsibility for it, it's actually made me feel really sick.

I don't buy any medical reason for it either, it's plain and simple abusing his power and taking full advantage, a rapist basically.

Togoboldly, that's actually exactly what sexsomnia is, there have been numerous court cases successfully using this as a defence!
en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_sex

also just to add to the original poster and to echo what I put in my last comment, regardless of the reasons why this happened you have been violated and I am not dismissing or making excuses for your ordeal. I am just passing on information that may help you come to decisions about your marriage and offering practical advice on how to move forward ie counselling etc.

There have also been numerous court cases where the sexomnia defence is rightly thrown out as a feeble excuse and the dependent is found guilty of rape.

If I told my partner that I woke up to find them having sex with me, they were horrified at their own actions and thought they may have done it in their sleep, and thought they needed to get help, then it is plausible that they might have a condition that they want help for, especially if they did it twice. That didn't happen to the OP, he seems to have brushed it off and tried to get her to shoulder the blame and try to confuse her own recollections of what happened. This is not someone with a medical condition. This is a rapist.

OP says herself that she doesn't buy his argument that he was asleep.

Of course it's a convenient excuse but it is also real, I'm sure a lot of the cases where it has been used as a defence were rightly thrown out.

I am not replying to this for you to decided what's right, we have been given a tiny snippet of something that's happened, I am merely giving op some facts that seem to be pertinent to her case and they are there for her to do with what she wants.

Op it's horrendous what has happened to you, and it seems from what you have said your husband was fully aware of what he was doing, but being asleep and initiating sexual activity is an actual medical condition and I simply wanted to put that out there for you to make an informed decision of whether you think there could be some connection to that! You are the one married to this man and you are the one who has experience this awful event. And in now way does this take away from how this has left you feeling.

The OP has already said she doesn't for a second buy his excuse that he was asleep. She knows the situation more than any of us so pushing that point further is pointless, we have no reason to doubt her judgement on that.

Are you suggesting she says "honey do you think you might have that sexomnia?" ? Because given his previous actions he will probably say "yea maybe" and use that as carte blanche to do it again. If he did have sexomnia, even if he didn't know what it was called, he would have reacted differently, not been blas??, and if he had an ounce of care for the situation would have been straight down to the GP and assured the OP he was getting help to not violate her again. He's done nothing of the sort, simply tried to minimise it and discredit her.

You've already said you're not an expert on sexomnia so pressing the issue is not helpful.
There are a few threads where actual sexomniacs have posted on here - the difference is they take full responsibility for their actions, and for taking the steps to make sure they never hurt anyone again.

My rapist tried to pull the "I was asleep/half asleep/ thought you were coming on to me" lines. I eventually saw them for the bullshit they were. Thankfully this OP hasn't taken as long as I did. She already knows they are bullshit.

OP, funnily enough when I suggested that my rapist gets help if he is not able to control himself as he is controlled by some cosmic unconscious force, he wasn't keen. Because he knows any expert would have pointed out he was fully in control

Also, note the first time he said the OP came onto him while she was asleep. He gaslighted her there, thought he got away with it but realised it was too implausible so the next time he tried a different tactic, saying he was asleep himself, woke up in the middle, realised what he was doing and carried on anyway. He admitted this to her. This is not sexomnia.

For all we know she might have not bought it because she'd never heard such a thing existed. she seems more than capable of coming to her own conclusions so I wouldn't worry about my informing op of something swaying her to being duped by someone.

Even if you were 'asleep and came onto him', a decent person would refuse to go ahead having sex with someone who was not conscious as obviously they cannot consent, surely.

I'm really sorry this has happened. He knows full well what he is doing but because you are his partner he "probably doesn't see it as that bad" he also didn't just admit it he blamed you for it. If you said stop when you woke up then it's even worse if he thought you enjoyed it. (As some people like that stuff) then he might really not realise what he has done. Not that this will help you as it will mean you going behind your partners back but you could put a night camera in the room, (just an idea) try not to let it upset you, but if he does it again make sure he knows how you feel and you won't put up with him doing that.

I don't have any advice to give, but just wanted to offer a virtual hug.

• I remember your threads although not your name - very very pleased you've cut contact with him altogether now and feel better now you're away from him

Hi ThumbWitchesAbroad

Yes, I namechanged. You and some other posters on my thread helped me immeasurably though it took me a year to properly get out of that trainwreck relaionship. Right up until a couple of months ago, I thought it could work out and we could at least be friends, but it's impossible to regain that trust.

If someone shows scant regard for boundaries and gives half hearted non-apologies and lies and excuses, and then does it again... it's hard to fix things.

You should not need to tell someone at all, let alone more than once, to stop sexually assaulting you. OP, if you're not sure he understands what he is doing, although he realises it is wrong, you might have to ask him why he thinks it is wrong. If he still seems at a loss, you might need to ask him if he realises he is raping you - his response to this would probably speak volumes. If he is shocked at what he is doing and takes steps to stop abusing you, you can take it from there. If he is shocked that you would accuse him of that, then he is not going to change.

You say it's been a few weeks but if it has been playing on your mind you really shoudl talk about it.