DD's dad keeping her secret - please help!

[plumcatt]

Hi, I have posted on here before but NC to avoid being outed. I am at the end of my tether and could just use a sanity check on the state of affairs with my baby DD's biological father... Please please bear with me, this is long.

Long story (fairly) short: very manipulative, quite EA relationship of middling length which culminated in a very abrupt dumping from his side. A month later I found out I was pregnant. I told him and he expressed a wish for me to have an abortion, I couldn't, and after a bit of to-ing and fro-ing he told me he wanted nothing to do with me or DD (I was 6 months preg at this time.) It's been a hard road but I now have a 7 month old absolutely beautiful DD, I'm supporting myself and her (my DM has her while I work full time), and I'm in a relationship with a lovely guy who has been a real support and loves DD as his own. Never heard a peep from her biological father. On advice of friends and family I sent him a message about a month ago saying I felt I should tell him she is around, so I can tell her if she asks in future that I tried. (Something I slightly regretted doing after.) He responded, saying he wanted to meet her.

At our first meeting 2 weeks ago, at my flat, he seemed happy to see her. I felt weird but tried to put my concerns/feelings aside. However when I asked who in his life knew about her he said no one except a couple of friends and his mum (his mum doesn't want to see her or think he should be in her life.) His dad has no idea she exists. When I queried this "dirty secret" style situation, he got angry and told me not to push him/I was asking too much/he wants to "get to know" DD then he will tell his dad "in future". I let it drop at the time but have thought about it a lot since.

Saw him again at my flat last night. I had been planning to bring up the family thing which had been bothering me because i realised (and everyone else i spoke to about it) my DD deserves better than that. She wasn't born as a dirty secret, I never wanted her to feel that way, and if he's not ready to "deal" with the whole situation now then he can't be a part of her life. I said this as calmly as I could - and he got a bit nasty, over the course of a 2 hour argument in which he raised his voice and was aggressively verbal towards me several times (i had to ask him not to talk like that in my house, in front of the baby). He described what i was saying as an "ultimatum" and said i was emotionally blackmailing him to tell his family when hes not "ready" (because he doesn't want his dad to think differently of him. His dad is also paying his rent, living costs and drama school tuition for the next 2 years. I am sure he also fears this will be cut off if his dad knows. He is very spoilt, never had a full time job, only just moved out of his mum's, and he is in mid 20s.) He also told me that his friends who knew had told him to get a DNA test and did he think i was trying to trap him - he said he didn't, but I was hurt by this.

I tried to stay as calm as possible but i felt so disrespected and furious in my own home, the home i had built for her. In the end i told him in no uncertain terms that i would not tolerate disrespect, that i was raising DD well with no help from him and for that reason he couldn't do all this on his selfish terms. He seemed to eventually accept this. and admitted "I don't think I'm ready for this, but i want to be" (hence why he wants to keep seeing her for some unspecified time before "owning" it to the world.

I believed i was not being unreasonable in expecting him to inform his family of his change of heart wanting to be in his DD's life. She has an extended family who for the most part don't even know about her! I explained that this was because I didnt bring her into the world as someones "mistake" or "dirty little secret" and i felt him acting in this subversive way even in the early stages of her life would make her feel that way which i want to avoid as far as possible. I pointed out i had decided to become a single parent in the knowledge that i could do everything in my power to raise her with more than enough love and security, largely due in part to my own family's support. His decision to change his mind and be in her life meant he had to acknowledge that. However he accused me of intending to "lie" to her if I told her she wasn't a "mistake" - I can't "protect her" as "everyone is fucked up by their family". (This is all from his own experience- he is the product of an affair, and is deeply emotionally scarred by his own father's dubious presence in his life.) I'm not naive but I just want to do things differently with her. I kept loads of stuff from my relationship with her dad to give her when shes old enough to ask questions and I did feel I had to let him know she's on the planet but this now situation doesn't feel right.

My DP knows nothing about DD's bio dad contacting her or seeing us- I feel it would really hurt him though I know it's wrong of me to keep it from him. I feel paralysed by this all. He has been so amazing with her.

I do not know what to do. As was the case in our relationship he tried to make me feel like I was crazy, ridiculously demanding and manipulative. It was so upsetting. Part of me wants to just tell him until you're really ready for this, don't contact us. I just want to do whats right for my DD but i have no idea what that is. Was I wrong to expect something of him? Does she not deserve a family? Is he dangerous for her? Maybe he needs to grow up a bit before he has this chance. Please help!

Thank you for reading xx

I can't even begin to tell you how hurt and angry I would be if I was your boyfriend, had taken on the role of father to your baby, and all this was playing out behind my back!!!

Bloody hell.

Tell him, and tell him NOW.

Tbh, it's a bit rich talking about secrets.

It is not your business who your ex chooses to tell. Why are you creating drama there? Sounds like he can do that on his own. No 7 month old feels like a dirty little secret! I understand why you're emotional, but you have to calm down. While the baby is young enough not to know or care, you're just causing stress for yourself.

I don't think you're even helping yourself getting into arguments about whether she is a mistake. It's just words. Of course you won't use the word mistake to her. But she's a happy accident not a planned conception. Her actual conception was a mistake. Your decision to continue the pregnancy was not. Why argue about that with him? It's meaningless.

And you need to make up your mind whether you want to have all his family closely involved, or to take your baby to the US. I fear chasing the former is not going to help you with the latter!

i don't think there's any need for some of the extreme responses on here. the whole situation is hard enough, i doubt anyone would act perfectly.

I would tread very carefully, if he becomes an active part of your child's life he could stop you taking her to America. It would definitely stop me actively encouraging him to involve his family.

You've sat on this for only two weeks before telling your dp - I don't think that's wrong. You need to work out in your own head what's going on, and given your ex's past behaviour of EA I don't think you could do anything else really. So long as you don't leave it too much longer before telling your dp, I think you've actually acted pretty well. You don't feel comfortable telling dp over the phone - that's fair enough!

As for your ex telling his family or not... I agree with other posters: you can't dictate how he handles his relationships. You shouldn't use this as a reason to decline access. Your baby won't know about her paternal grandparents and you can't miss what you've never had (my paternal grandparents had died before I was born so I never had a relationship with them - wish I had, but the cookie didn't crumble that way, different circs, but similar outcome).

I expect your ex will eventually tell them anyway. Let him build a relationship with your dd and I'm sure he'll want to tell them.

As for stopping you going to study for your PhD... how could he stop you if he has no parental rights? I don't think he can?

I imagine it would be difficult for him to push this especially if he has no income of his own, relying on the bank of mum and dad - they are hardly going to bankroll a legal case for custody of a child they don't know about or have refused to accept. Don't be scared of what this man could do to ruin your future - he can't... not without paying for it, and someone who doesn't have an income of their own can't pay for it. I get how his past behaviour has made you scared, but don't be.

Please tell your dp sooner rather than later though. 2 weeks (and while he was away) is acceptable, but leave it much longer and he may wonder if there's more to the story than you're letting on. Just explain that you needed to get it straight in your own mind before discussing it with him. If he's reasonable then he'll understand.

thanks ARV, sound advice- thats what im going to do with dp, i never intended to keep this secret long term, just get my head sorted out.

ex is not on birth cert or paying child support so i don't think there would be much he could do but i know he might try! probably need to speak to someone about it who knows more than i do..

Woah, hang on. You ar furious that he is keeping your DD a secret, and yet you are plotting to move her over to the other side of the world without consulting him first?!
Why did you go to all the trouble of instigating contact and issuing ultimatums regarding contact if you intend to bring her up abroad?
Does your DP know about your PhD plan or are you keeping that secret from him as well?

sparechange, i have already told my ex about the possibility of this. i never said i hadnt! the revision materials are all over my house where he has been twice. he didn't make any comment about it. i hardly feel like i was !"plotting". considering ex has only just come back into my and dd's life i don't feel i have to consult him at this stage but he does know.

my dp knows too. it's not a secret, it's a good 2,3 years in the future for money reasons though.

Only skimmed your post OP but my dd1s dad left when I was pregnant ( I refused abortion too) He moved country.
His family only found out when a letter came from CSA when she was about 7 months old. A few years later he did get in touch and now has some contact with her.
TBH, my advice is to focus on the positive relationships your lo has. You can waste too much time on the negatives.

In this situation it would have been better not to make contact with him tbh. As that choice has already been made I would limit contact and let it fade away naturally. He doesn't sound like someone who will enhance your DD's life and may actively scupper your future.

You also need to apologise and come clean to your current DP. I wouldn't react well tbh but they may be more forgiving.

So you want your daughter to have a relationship with her dad, even though her dad is a nasty piece of work and verbally abusive to you? And you had a go at him for keeping the daughter a secret, yet you're keeping this meeting with him a secret from your own new partner?

Are you 100% sure you're not doing this because deep inside you still want a relationship with him?

For your sake and your daughter's, cut all ties with him and be honest with your partner.

I have been through similar. DS's dad didn't tell his mum until 4 weeks before the birth, she said he should get a DNA test. When DS was born I texted his father, he responded then smashed his phone and didn't get a new one for two weeks so he wouldn't have to come and see him. He is a cock, drinks too much, lived at home until 33, etc etc.

BUT DS loves him and sees him regularly now (took about a year to sort that out, it is a process, it doesn't happen overnight with men who did not want the child). I think your DD has a right to know her father and you cannot tell him who he should and should not tell about her. I think you are not looking at the bigger picture, ie the next 18 years. Sorry.

it seems like pp are split between either encouraging a relationship no matter what, or cutting contact. that's my big dilemma and it seems there is no clear way out :/

I don't like the phrase 'dirty little secret' to refer to your child. Are they your words or his?

To be fair, rather than looking on it as his 'secret,' he may just not be ready to announce it to everybody yet and that is his right.

You invited him into your daughter's life for the right reasons but that doesn't mean he will or can fulfil his obligations in the way you want, especially as he has not been on the scene from the start.

coolfor- he used that phrase not me

You're not obligated to continue a relationship between them if you feel it wouldn't be possible without upset and drama. If you can let the two of them (XP and DD) get on with it without getting overly emotionally invested yourself, then go for it. If not, the only solution is really to cut contact.

I think one reason for varying responses is how people interpret you saying that your boyfriend loves this child as his own.

If he's just a boyfriend, it's not really his business.

If the two of you have given him a father role (which is what I took from you saying he loved her as his own) then it's quite serious not to have spoken to him. Yes, he's away. But this is the second time you've met up with your ex, and your initial contact with him was a month ago. I don't understand why you didn't discuss it with your boyfriend. And that's why I'd be hurt if I were him.

If your ex used the phrase "dirty little secret" then I wouldn't be facilitating contact. But did he actually say she was a dirty little secret? Or say that she wasn't a dirty little secret but he still didn't want to tell everyone yet?

TBH I don't think people "are split between either encouraging a relationship no matter what, or cutting contact". It'd be fairer to say some of us think he hasn't done anything so horrendous that it necessitates cutting contact yet. Not telling his family is shit, but it's not the crime of the century and nor does it make much difference to your child at this stage. I agree with other posters, you seem to be blowing that side of things out of proportion. I understand that you love your child so much, and it feels like he's doing her a massive disservice and showing her a lot of disrespect by keeping her existence a secret. But he hasn't AFAIK said he's planning to do that long term (plus, that would be difficult!), just that he needs some time.

DD's bio Dad could acquire parental responsibility without too much difficulty and he could request a contact order. A judge would not consider DD's father decision not to tell his family of his daughter's existence as a reason to sever contact. By inviting DD's bio Dad back into her life you have sacrificed a degree of autonomy.

Have you explicitly told your DP that you have plans to move to the U.S? I think it very cowardly to expect someone to extrapolate that you plan moving to the US do a PHD, from revision materials left lying around your home. It seems reckless and selfish to involve this man in your DD's life (to the extent that he acts like DD is his child) knowing that you intend moving away, without first explicitly telling him of your plans.

I think you really need to spend more time thinking through the consequences of your decision because it's just not about you and what you want.

If you meet him again do so on neutral ground not your house. I personally wouldn't do anything more to push contact. Let him do the chasing and you are the one with control. Two hours of abuse in your own home? Ridiculous.

Involve your partner ASAP.

It all sounds very difficult, good luck.