Partner sounding distant on the phone?

[oversensitivetype]

I have been with my partner for a few years now, it is a bit of a long distance relationship due to work but we do see each other every weekend. Things are good between us and I have no reason to doubt him at all he has always been very reliable and steady which I love but he is also the quiet type and not always that demostrative. I have kind of low self esteem and probably need more reassurance he gives at times and while I keep my anxiety to myself I sometimes worry he doesn't care for me as much as I do him.

He has a very full on, long hours high stress job and when we speak on the phone at night he sometimes sounds distant, I know he is just very tired and not a big chatter at the best of times but I still let it get to me.

I've had ex's who are all full of passion and romance to my face while sleeping about behind my back or letting my down in other ways and I've never been treated with anything other than total respect and love by my partner but it can still upset me when he just isn't up for chatting. We plan to move in soon, and get married and I am sure it will be better when we can be face to face but when he is distant on the phone like he was tonight because of tiredness I panic a bit and think he is going to leave me, it is irrational and I don't let on about it to him but I feel it.

I know its my problem so what can I do?

I'm not sure you should be in a relationship, it sounds like you are torturing yourself in to a state of panic.
If I were you I'd be single and work on my anxieties and insecurities. I think you need to do this so you can start a relationship from a solid foundation, until you do that I think you will be permanently in lopsided relationships.

I agree ^^

I don't understand why torturing yourself within a relationship is preferable to peace of mind as a singleton.

Contrary to popular belief, relationships aren't meant to be hard work. They're meant to be mutually satisfying, or at least they should be when you're with someone compatible. Life will throw stuff at you, but if you're a team; if you like and love each other, then your actual relationship shouldn't be hard work.

I think you need to think about whether you'll still find this an issue when you move in together. You say you struggle because he's tired/not chatty, but he may well be exactly the same when you live together.

Sometimes I'm shattered after work - I get up at 5am for work and by the time DP gets home nearly 12 hours later, the last thing I want to do is have a full-on conversation! Luckily he's the same and after dinner/chores we're both happy to just chill in our own worlds or watch TV/a movie in silence.

You've said he's not very chatty or demonstrative at the best of times, and that's not something that's going to change just because he lives with you. For some people it's not a big deal, but it sounds like it's something that might really get to you over time. I think you need to think about whether you'll be okay with that in five years time.

Ask him.

I hate the phone, I hate small talk and chatter about day to day stuff. My mum says exactly the same as you, I sound miserable, why aren't I more lively on the phone... I just don't have much to say and hate the stress of keeping a conversation going, especially when I can't see the other persons face and reactions.

If DH or I are away we check in, but that's it. No long calls.