How to cope when life falls apart around you in all areas

[typeyourname]

I've NC for this as dont want to out myself. I've had amazing advice before from MN and I could really do with some input here. I just don't know what to do.

Essentially, I feel like I can't cope. I had an awful break up at end of December, where I ended what I felt was an emotionally abusive relationship. He lied constantly and I kept questioning myself and questioning my own memory and sanity. It was awful. BUT it has only been in the past few months that I have de-tangled what happened and begun to see just how damaging the relationship was to me, and just how horrible he truly was. If you met him, youd think he was lovely (that type).

Anyway, that happened and then because I was taking so long to move past the living situation (I had to move, cost a lot etc), I have so far only taken 2 days holiday from work all year. This has started to catch up with me I think, and I feel drained. I know obvious answer is to book time off now, but I cant realistically do that with work until October and I feel like I am suddenly running on empty.

Lastly, at the start of August, an old flame took their life. I hadnt spoken to him in a year because he had moved to Sweden and we sort of lost touch. When it happened I was shocked, cried etc, but was ok. In the last week however it has really hit me. It is consuming my thoughts and Im just starting not to see the point in anything... everything seems so trivial. My job is quite 'professional' and so this makes it hard... I need to be focussed but nothing seems important anymore... this man took his life and he was incredible, yet I know he would be judged so much for doing so by my colleagues (havent told many about it), because they are all so driven and cant understand that behaviour. Makes me so angry.

Also feeling rubbish about where I live after moving out with ex.. I hate it but need to stay until the end of the contract which ends in March. If you've read this far then thank you... I just feel so low. Not depressed, and I've been to docs, but just generally feel like life is utterly shit and there's no happiness in it. I'm 29 if that's relevant...probably notxxx

Can you afford a holiday? Fuck work (in the nicest possible way!).

I think it really sounds like you need a proper rest. If that rest involves a complete change of scenery, even some sunshine, or perhaps a hobby you love (or just lying around reding great books or watching great films)....so much the better.

I'm sorry about your old friend .

And ell done for getting rid of the abusive ex.

You've had a tough year - definitely time to take some time out if you can.

I havent got much to say to help probably, but 2 years ago i left my abusive marriage and my recent ex (i say recent, we broke up about 9months ago) are very much in love, but his suicidal feelings make it impossible to have a proper relationship. I dont work, but i do understand the feelings on running on empty. Its emotional exhaustion. Can you take care of yourself more? Do things that make you feel better, be it buying a new book, going for a walk, to the movies, fancy bath stuff? Do you think counselling would help? It might not be up your alley, but have you seen the "buddy box" from the blurt foundation? Its basically a care package designed to help with depression and anxiety, encourage mindfullness etc. Have you got friends or family you can talk to?
Book some time off for as soon as is practical, and be kind to yourself. Its ok to feel like this and its a perfectly understandable reaction to the circumstances you have found yourself in.

OP, it sounds like you really need a break. What a horrendous year you've had.
Is there any way that you can get away asap and just 'be' for a week or two? it sounds like a good time to reflect & recharge.

That's one heck of a rough year plus that you've been through (I'm including the time you were in that abusive relationship) so it's no surprise to me that you're low as low. You're essentially running on fumes and it will take a while to build up again.

How are you with the small tasks of life? (Leaving aside the big considerations for the time being.)

Put your head down & just live a day at a time.
At the end of each day, note 2 or 3 things that you achieved - even if it's just wiping down the sink or something.
If you feel like going to bed, then do, with a cup of tea & a book or a magazine if you can't concentrate on a book.
Alternatively, just walk to the corner of the street & back to get 2 minutes of fresh air.
Be kind to yourself. Don't set yourself any big goals. All marathon runners' first steps are baby steps. Just be -x-

Can you book a few days off work? You don't have to do anything whilst you're off. Practically, how many days have you to take between now and end March and if you don't take them will they be paid or you loose them?

Try and book some days/ a week/ long weekend, stay home, read in bed, go for a walk, all gentle restful stuff.

Be very nice to yourself, and is there a chance you could find a counsellor through your GP? Just to talk to someone and help yourself get through such a difficult time.

See your current issues re. living arrangements as temporary, these will get sorted in time. Congratulate yourself on having got out of a bad situation. Sure there are still things to sort out, but the worst is over now. Your ex is stuck living how he is for the rest of his life, can't run from himself, you have the upper hand there, be glad you are not like him and have seen him for what he is.
Sad about your friend, try to keep perspective on it if you can. You say you had not had contact for a year, as you know, a lot can happen in that time so you can't know the circumstances of what brought that about. Avoid dragging your thoughts to the past, too much time pondering the time you were together and analyzing the negatives of your last relationship is bound to bring you down.
Not much to smile about at the moment, but you will make headway and progress, onwards and upwards being the mantra.

Sorry you are feeling bad but honestly, you're 29, have a good job and you are single. You have everything going for you! Maybe join a running club or maybe online dating? You are still alive and your friend who isn't would want you to try your best to find happiness! I would give my kidney to be in your position again!

When I was about your age I had a few bad years and EVENTUALLY went on holiday (on my own). I got to the hotel, laid on the bed - and fell asleep for 24 hours straight. Got up, had a shower and then slept for another 12 hours.

You sound exhausted. I think every other poster is right. Have a holiday or even just a weekend away - check in, and go to sleep. Read, eat healthily, walk and sleep. And repeat.

You need to give yourself a rest so that you can give yourself a break. If necessary, talk to your boss about even taking a day off so you can have a long weekend, and GET AWAY. Treat yourself rotten. Things will improve, and you've got a lot going for you - but if you're this worn out / worn down, it's hard to see that.

Oh and the Christmas break for you needs to be prioritised around sleeping and watching box sets. And more sleeping. Plan on coming back to it all refreshed in the spring. But this autumn /winter - make like a bear.

x

You sound burnt out op, I'm sure the Dr would sign you off work for a week or two if you explained.

I think your delayed reaction to the circumstances around your friend's death is interesting. What do you think their reaction would be to how you are feeling?

Also, you feel that you can't take a holiday until October. Could you take a day or two off before then? Make a mini You Holiday?

It almost sounds as if you've got PTSD after all of this. What did your doc say when you consulted them?

March is a long time to stay in a place with bad memories. Have you tried explaining the situation to the landlord to see if you can move out earlier?

I'm so sorry you've had such a tough time, type. Maybe listening to this may help. Chery Strayed is an agony aunt. www.wbur.org/2015/08/28/dear-sugar-episode-twenty-four