Really worried about ds

[Veryworriedmum]

I am a regular MNer, but have a problem that I need to talk about incognito.

My ds has started thinking nasty thoughts about me. He is always saying things like he wants to hurt me. Today he tolds my dad (on the phone) that he had been thinking nasty things about me at school. When I questioned him, he told me that he had thought he wanted to chop me up with a knife .

Ds is 5, and has been very worried about strangers lately. I suffer from depression and had a lot of OCD problems as a child. I am really worried that he is suffering something even more serious or that he is like me and will suffer from depression. He is a very affectionate boy and we have loads of cuddles but lately he has been saying that he doesn't know if he loves me.

Dh thought that ds was testing my love for him, but after the chopping up comment, he is a little worried too. Please tell me if I have a psycho child in the making, or a little boy who might need some professional help.

As you can imagine, I'm really worried about him. We have always been close, but now I feel almost uncomfortable with him.

I think I'd get him referred to a psychologist to be honest .. he is obviously having problems dealing with his feelings and an expert could give him tools to help

I do not however think it says anything about you or your relationship .. as his mother you would obviously be the primary focus in his life so these negative thoughts he's having, that he needs help with, are choosing you as that central focus

He sounds like a confused little boy at the moment and this could have been triggered by any number of things. I don't think it would hurt to get him seen by a proffessional. He seems to be quite open and honest about his thoughts so it may be easier to get to the bottom of it. In the mean time just keep showing him that you love him regardless.

Thanks Twig, that makes me feel better. However, why would a 5 yo have these types of problems? I am welling up now because I feel like I have failed him in some way. I had a horrible childhjood and came out of it the other side. He has two loving parents who might be a little strict but adore him and give him everything he needs.

And tubismybub!

Please, has anyone else been through something similar?

.

Of course he's not a psycho child. What he does sound is very insecure, however. I think the fact that you suffer from depression currently rather than you having suffered OCT as a child yourself that may be the biggest negative influence unfortunately, and there is a lot of statistical evidence that the children of depressives grow up to be depressed, not from genetic factors but via them struggling to grow up and express themselves when being cared for by needy parents.

It's very difficult for the children of depressives who see their parents regularly putting their emotional needs before those of their children. I've no idea if you do this but I'd say making a concerted and positive effort to tackle your own depression might be the way to go before introducing your son to the system so young. Are you on ad?s at the moment?

And please don't feel like this is a criticism. You have an illness, Depressed is not who you are, but the condition you have. You can beat it. I have. It is possible but I know how easy it is to feel overwhelmed by everything and just feel like giving up. That's the depression not you - you just have to fight to make the real you stronger than the depression, with all the help you can get be it ad's, cognitive therapy and counselling. It's the depression that makes you feel bad, that's not who you are and it's not who you have to remain.

I'm very worried that I've upset you VWM.

I've read about this. THis is a normal thing it's about playing out our most terrifying ideas and it doesn't mean he wants to chop you up - I will go and do some research and get back with a more lucid explanation.

No, you haven't upset me MT. I know that my depression has affected ds because I sometimes tell him he needs to be good because I am feeling sad on that day. However, I am on ADs and have recently finished some counselling. I am a lot better. I do worry about the effect it might be having on him, hence my OP. I was being slightly ironic when I mentioned 'psycho child'.

Elle - Thanks, yes, I did wonder if there was something like that. I googled before posting on here but couldn't find anything relevant. I thought someone on here might know of something. Would be very interested in reading anything you find.

I have made an appointment to see my gp tomorrow. I will talk to him about it then.

I'm glad VWM, I know from experience how hard it is to take criticism about depression, usually because it tends to come when those around you have 'had enough' and it doesn't come out as too positive. I always knew that what they were saying was right though, I just didn't know how to do what they were asking and would fall even deeper into a hopeless dispair. It does take time but you can do it, just don't expect (or trust) any dramatic changes; take small determined steps and one day you will wake up and realise it's behind you - and be good to yourself, but not at a price to others.

ElleMNop also has a point, that it may just be a phase. It's probably a mixture of a few things.

Good luck at the docs tomorrow

rats! I can't find anything about it now! I need to ask my sister as she put me on to it at a time when my ds had said that he wanted his daddy to die - quite a normal thing to say apparently. She was studying Freudian theory at the time and gave me an article on why we say and imagine terrible things like this. It's a cathartic thing I think and I remember finding it fascinating at the time, but my jelly brain has failed to retain the information . If I find anything out I will post back here. However, you are doing the right thing by going to see your GP, tell him/her everything won't you. Hope it goes well.

I am still seeing the gp tonight. However, I have had a talk to ds about it all and told him not to worry so much about things. We had a laugh and giggle and tickle, and lightened things. Then, when he said something that he thought he shouldn't, I told him not to worry. I think him worrying so much makes him worse. I also think that him being such an honest child made him feel like he had to tell me everything going on in his head. Will report what the doctor says.

VWM - I think it depends how he says these things - my ds1 often says things like 'I'm going to chop you up with my sword' or 'I'm going to put you out in the recycling' but it's either when he's cross because I've stopped him doing something, or over-excited in a pirates game - he's 5 too btw.

I don't think your ds really wants to do these things - but I would have a chat to someone, and I would also talk about how you can cope, and how to spot any depression in your ds. x

Bless him. I dunno though VWM, maybe he needs you to hear his worries, even the darkest ones..? And still love him. Maybe he's testing you?

How did it go at the docs?

I'm glad you saw the GP - how did it go?

I can only echo what other posters have said:

It may be just a phase albeit a worrying one for you

OR

It may be something else that he needs a bit of help with.

Either way, it sounds like you are coping brilliantly with a scary situation. I think it's great that he feels able to share his thoughts. I'd be far more concerned if he were keeping them to himself. I have some experience of working with kids who had similar (but perhaps more serious) problems and they were always ecouraged to talk about those feelings openly and to know that no-one would be shocked and that they wouldn't be judged. It's important that your ds feels safe and it sounds like he does.

Sending you {hugs} & hoping that the gp was helpful.

The gp was very nice. It wasn't my usual one, but a lady. She originally said that he could be referred to children and family services for assessment, and we would all be looked at, rather than just ds. She said it was a formal thing though. I expressed my concerns about him being very bright and sensitive and possibly feeling worse because he was getting special attention, which she understood.

She asked me to have a word with ds' teacher, to see if he says anything like it at school. I said I would, although I am fairly sure that he only does it with/about me. I also explained that something had happened in the summer holidays that had meant we had to have 'the stranger chat'. Since then, he had been worried about being left anywhere.

She seemed not to be unduly worried about him, but did say that she would like to see him. I have to see her next week for a new prescription, so said I would bring him with me. I asked her not to be too obvious when asking him questions, and she seemed to understand that he needs to be treated with kid gloves.

So, I feel a little happier. Ds has calmed down a bit now that I have reassured him that I will always love him, whatever happens.

Thanks for listening...

Good - she sounds like a great GP & very understanding of you & your DS. I hope she put your mind at rest somewhat. Let us know how you get on next week.

Yes do VWM. Good luck.