How do you know if your Dp is ea or just struggling

[Monkeybabiess111]

Im trying to work out what is going on in my relationship.
We've been together 5 years, we have 2 dc.
Up until recently dp was caring and supportive about everything doing anything he could for our family.
Recently he seems like a different person, one minute everything's fine if something changes he's suddenly calling me any name he can think of and says if my fault he does it.
He's spending a lot of time out of the house which I wouldn't mind if he would reciprocate he's only taking our dc out a handful of times so I feel a bit overwhelmed and I do ask a lot as I feel it's something I need after being there 24/7 for months but he doesn't see this as he's to tired all the time.
I've asked him to look after 1dc while I go away with the other for day and he's still not sure if he wants to work that day(it is optional) and will depend on how he feels.
Sex (or lack off) is a big issue I have absolutely no desire at all (breastfeeding and little sleep) but he complains constantly and try's all the time.

I know they are big big problems I wouldn't be writing if I didn't but how do I know if he is unwell feeling run down or this is who he is now.
How long would you give someone before saying enough is enough.
He's supported me threw so much and if this is a phrase I need to support him but if it's not I know it's not right to stay together.

It's already gone past the point where enough is enough. This sort of situation doesn't require support. It requires boundrys. Why would you offer support to someone who is mistreating you ?

I'm sorry to say I would want to rule out an ow.

I'm sorry but I would think ow

It doesn't matter if he's run down or unwell. Abuse doesn't become ok just because someone is run down or unwell.

Before you waste any more time supporting him or trying to figure out what's going on , it would be wise to rule out an affair. You should not ask him this directly. It doesn't matter how honest he apparently is, they will never ever tell you. Instead they will deny and simply take it underground.

You should independently verify where he is when he's out of the house. You should independently check bank statements , phone bills, emails and texts.

I can't explain how I know as it might out me but I do know where Dp goes due to family members being at the same place so I'm really sure there's no ow.
I just think at the moment he doesn't want to spend time with us and the reason I want to help is if it isn't him just being selfish then there could be a chance for us to work things out. Its hard to think he's acting this way on purpose.

A lot of men stray when there are young children as they feel left out and neglected so I sincerely hope this hasn't applied to you but do be vigilant op.

Is he having an affair with somebody at work or can he take time out of his job to get up to things he shouldn't?

Good luck.

Other woman

My initial thought was that he has met someone else.

Of course he's acting that way on purpose, he's not a helpless baby with no control over his behaviour. He knows he's being a selfish bastard, of course he does.
If he's behaving this way because he's depressed (nothing in your OP suggests depression though?) then he's obligated to go to the doctor and ask for help. I can't think of anything else that would make a person behave so badly apart from an affair. People can cheat even with the most limited of opportunities, how is he about his phone?

His phone is beside me and has been all night be happily lea as it lying around, I wouldn't snoop though and he leaves all his social media things open on the TV as I get hounded with notifications.
He works with men or out and about again I would put myself if I said what he did but I am sure he's not cheating.

I was doubting the depression excuse he's being saying at times recently, It hurts to think that he would lie about that I just don't really know what to do about it all.

He happily leaves*

Going out a lot and wanting lots of sex aren't usually indicators of depression.
Has he been to the GP or just self diagnosed?

It's self diagnosed i have suggested going to the Drs he agrees then says he can't he won't know what to say.

I know you don't want to but maybe have a quick look around his phone and social media.
You might get some clues.
I remember when my Ex was having an affair I didn't want to snoop at all.
Someone advised I should and I did it with something that I have full access to as I did his expenses.
Guess what! Yep, there was the proof.
She didn't even live in this country and he managed it and didn't travel for work!! So anything is possible.

If he really thinks he's depressed (that's just an excuse for his appalling behaviour by the way) then give him an ultimatum.
Either he sees a doctor or you are done. See how he reacts to that.
You can offer to go with him. In fact I'd insist on it, then you can tell the doctor exactly what he is like. He will play it all down if he is there on his own.

I'm still uneasy about snooping I highly doubt he's cheating his job means it's easy for me to know where he is and when he's working.

I will ask him to go the Drs I wouldn't be able to go with him due the dc but he is the type to down play everything as he doesn't want people to know we're not getting along.
I feel stupid now as I didn't say anything sooner as I thought he was just having a tough time, I just wish he would be consistent with his mood as the morning before he left he was in a great saying he would help tonight with bedtime then he returned back tracking on everything he said he would do the morning and is in a mood now but is its my fault but he won't tell me what I've done to cause his bad mood.

Is he being depressed or is he being a lazy knob head? Well, in the moment, the thing you do is the same whatever:

the morning before he left he was in a great saying he would help tonight with bedtime then he returned back tracking on everything he said he would do the morning

Tell him bluntly to do what he said he would do. Listen to no excuses. Treat him like a mardy toddler.

its my fault but he won't tell me what I've done to cause his bad mood.
Are you asking him to explain to you how you have "caused" him to be in a bad mood? Why?

Mardy toddler: "Put your shoes on. I will not talk to you about what a mean mummy I am until after you put your shoes on." Tell him to do his chores and then you can talk about what's bugging him.

If he is depressed, he'll do the chores then whine.

If he is a lazy knob head, he'll do anything to avoid the chores and will try to make you feel bad for expecting him to stick to his word.

He said I've done something and I've to work it out, it will be something minor like moving something (I don't know what exactly) but that's the normal thing or he's misplaced it but blames me anyway.
He's went out with his db says he will be back later I did see the message come up on the TV from db asking him to go so I know that's true I just hoped he would have done bed time like he said he would, he's never done bedtime on his own but it's the back tracking on it that's upset me.

How are you not telling this dick to fuck right off with his juvenile "you've done something but you have to work it out for yourself" bullshit

I wouldn't expect a 6yo to use such childish manipulations

You must be some bloody doormat to put up with this and keep going back for more

And he's never done bedtime "on his own" .....for God's sake stop excusing his utter uselessness. You are enabling his rubbish treatment of you.

Cheaters generally get round the snooping by changing names in phones or setting up email addresses that are very similar to legitimate ones. Many people wouldn't notice the difference between [email protected] and [email protected]. personally I think his brother is covering for him.

Please don't fall for his juvenile game and try to work out what you've done. He actually sounds like a sinister bastard. I think you need to call women's aid. These sort of nasty psychological tricks only come from an abuser.

I've said this on another thread today but the "If you loved me, you'd work out what's wrong" bullshit guessing game can be countered with "if you loved and respected me, you'd talk to me when we had problems and not waste my time and energy with childish sulks"

He needs to have done bedtime on his own. Presumably he can dress himself and otherwise go about life? It's not rocket science.

Don't be fooled that you can get hold of his phone.

It is pretty common to have a second secret phone.

I can guarantee he was out with his db and I doubt there's anyone else it's hard to explain but I do that.

It's hard to know what to do as I know this only started a few months ago and heart and head are saying two different things, 1 says run the other says ride it out for longer in hopes that he changes.

And do you know how many years women have wasted waiting for the person 'to change'!???
Some of them, decades!!!
Seriously.
You need to tackle this now.
Ultimatum time.
You'll be writing the same thing next year otherwise.

And you have to figure out what you've done because he can't come up with anything. He just doesn't want to pull his weight.
Gaslighting is a horrible form of abuse. Don't put up with it!

Don't focus right now on the affair thing. He's treating you like shit regardless. That needs to stop.