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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex exposed himself to me

29 replies

ConfusedNoMore · 08/09/2015 08:44

I need opinions on what to do.

Going through acrimonious divorce with ex. His behaviour has been awful and I seriously think he's quite unhinged these days.

Yday when I called at the house to collect ds's stuff he had forgotten to return after contact, he was in his dressing gown having just showered.

I was trying to ask him about this week's contact arrangements when he asked if I wanted to see his cock. Obviously I said no, I just ignored it as he does it for effect. But then he got it out. I was stood outside one the doorstep and he was just inside so not sure if anyone in the street would've seen.

It was just before school pick up and the house is near the school.

I told him to stop and went to leave when he apologised for his 'joke'. So I attempted to finish talking to him because I needed to sort out arrangements. He kept sniggering and saying how hilarious it was. I told him he'd committed an offence but he said he didn't give a crap.

Would you report it? Will it look like malicious reporting because it's my word against his? I've already had police out due to threats but they couldn't really do anything as it wasn't specific enough.

He has made sexual comments in texts and emails too which I've kept.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 08/09/2015 08:56

I would call 101 and get some advice from them.
Let them know about timings, house location and the other text messages and see what they recommend.

Moregravyplease · 08/09/2015 08:59

What a despicable person your ex is trying to intimidate you like that. Personally I would call 101 for advice or try garden shears.

LeonC · 08/09/2015 09:30

That was a shitty thing to do. I agree with calling 101...... or you could point and laugh?
If he has MH issues or is the slightest bit aggressive, then just101. If he thinks he is hilarious, laughing is probably his objective.

Greenfaith · 08/09/2015 09:35

You know him, if a child has walked past and seen it would be a completely different story and he would be in trouble but he said he "didn't give a crap" so he knew when he flashed what he was doing. You might want to report him by calling 101 and explaining his home is near the school, that you told him to stop and told him he was committing an offence but he didn't care and carried on. He seems like a complete loser. If it was my ex and he did that I would report him.

Whoknewitcouldbeso · 08/09/2015 09:43

I think calling the non emergency number for advice isn't a bad idea, not is keeping a log of these incidents incase he starts to increase the severity of them.

Do you feel under threat at all? Has he ever been physically violent, sexually violent? I would be concerned about this behaviour escalating hence why I would consider reporting it.

Whoknewitcouldbeso · 08/09/2015 09:44

*nor

Isetan · 08/09/2015 10:01

What an attention seeking dick, use this incident of indecent exposure as a catalyst for disengaging from this arsewipe. It's time to get formal with his arse;

Draw up a Parenting Plan to formalise contact, set co parenting expectations and how, why and when you wish communicate as co parents. Communication should be limited to contact and is always done in writing.
If you must see him (hand over) it should be in a public (preferably busy) place.

Log the incident with the Police, just in case it isn't the last attempt at intimidation.

TheStoic · 08/09/2015 11:56

What a pathetic individual.

If it happens again, laugh in his face.

Unless you feel unsafe or threatened. In that case, you need to speak to the police.

ScarletRuby · 08/09/2015 13:39

Point. Laugh. Wonder out loud how you ever conceived children with him. Walk away.

ScarletRuby · 08/09/2015 13:41

Or shrug and say "did I mention I had a new lover, yeah, I traded up"

cestlavielife · 08/09/2015 14:01

dont go anywhere near him unless it's to hand over/pick up the dc.

i suspect he purposely "forgot" the stuff so you would go see him on your own. don't.

dont discuss contact with him on street/at drop off - do so via email so there is a record.

if such a thing happens again walk off dont try to continue conversation.

better to have a witness to report it - he could say she is lying it was covered up.

rumbleinthrjungle · 08/09/2015 17:51

Can you meet in public places only where you've got an audience and some back up?

It sounds so infantile and pathetic but I'm sure it's quite intimidating to experience and he's meaning it to be.

kittybiscuits · 08/09/2015 17:54

It's an offence and you really have to report it on the non emergency number. It seems that his behaviour is escalating and he needs a firm response or he will do more next time.

NewLife4Me · 08/09/2015 17:57

Tell him you've seen better and what makes him think you're bothered about his ex penis.

Original poster

ConfusedNoMore · 08/09/2015 18:06

Thanks for all your replies. I read them but haven't had chance to post back again until now.

I am going to report it. I couldn't get through to 101 earlier but I already had contact with an officer over previous behaviour, so I think I will contact her directly instead.

I think those saying it might escalate have voiced what I've not been sure about. I am very good at minimizing this behaviour as I'm so used to it. BUT we split up over a year ago, so I shouldn't have to put up with this now. I also know that his intention is to unsettle/humiliate me and let me know that I have no power. Ignoring him doesn't make him stop, though is the best option in the heat of the moment.

OP posts:

Original poster

ConfusedNoMore · 08/09/2015 21:09

Actually just spoke to 101 and I'm going to go and have a chat with someone in person in the next few days.

I don't want to open a massive can of worms but I don't want to let him get away with it either.

I was a bit blotchy earlier, which happens when I get a bit stressed, and he commented on it when he dropped ds back tonight, "Why are you all flushed? Is it the change?" Cheeky twat.

OP posts:

Original poster

ConfusedNoMore · 08/09/2015 21:17

rumble - you are spot on. He is intending to intimidate me and belittle me even though it is infantile purile behaviour.

WhoKnewItCould - He hasn't been physically violent but my counsellor asked me same question with the add on of violent towards objects or pets around me, which he has. This makes me cringe to say too, but I can't use contraception and we had agreed that he'd pull out. Only he decided not too, without my agreement. I was upset about it, but he justified it by asking why it'd be a problem if i got pregnant, which it wouldn't be exactly just that we hadn't had that conversation about trying for children at that time. He also tried to pressure me into a second baby immediately after our first, when I'd had a horrendous pregnancy and birth.

Frankly he was vile in our marriage and I'm so grateful and relieved we are no longer together. This crap is just the end I have to deal with but I'm doing ok.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 09/09/2015 08:48

OMG he really is vile!
So glad you got out of that!
Well done for reporting and hope it gets resolved.
I can't see it being any time soon but keep your dignity and keep ignoring the twat.

Baconyum · 09/09/2015 08:56

"Only he decided not too, without my agreement."'that's rape.

Prior to that post I was going to say definitely report as flashers often escalate to sexual violence. It's not the joke some seem to think. Do you have a solicitor? Sounds like you may have a case for legal aid due to abuse.

Seconding those saying to keep a paper trail and to organise things so that you only meet in public/with someone to support you.

Gotta be honest n say I wouldn't want him near my kid!

Original poster

ConfusedNoMore · 14/09/2015 22:19

I saw police this morning and they've served him notice to stop harassing me. They were great.

I received a shitty email tonight. Nothing threatening just needling me really. I will ignore it but he'll collect ds for contact tomorrow. I just don't want to talk to him. For him to treat me like I'm beneath him. Sick of him sapping my energy.

I know the email was because he's angry and wants to upset me but I'm human and it has upset me.

It was mainly some sanctimonious crap about our son but he signed off with 'thx for sending police over. It was nice to have coffee and some company. ' basically saying he's 'untouchable'. I know it's bs. It's just hard not to rise to it.

OP posts:

Penfold007 · 14/09/2015 22:26

Copy email to the police officer supporting you. Don't engage with him.

Original poster

ConfusedNoMore · 14/09/2015 22:32

Thx penfold. I won't reply. Just feeling fed up. Not sure if police officer gave me his email. I'll check the info he gave me. Going to counselling this week. Boy do I need to!

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 14/09/2015 22:58

Yes, send a copy of the email to the police. And when this creep comes to collect DS, make sure you don't let him in the house - send DS out to him. Treat him (XP) like a tiresome, naughty toddler and act as though his behaviour is boring rather than scary. Though log every incident of weird behaviour, particularly things like him getting his dick out. If it starts to escalate you might be able to get contact stopped or restricted on the grounds of inappropriate behaviour near children...

hellsbellsmelons · 15/09/2015 08:34

Glad the police were helpful.
He's a feckin' piece of work but try not to it upset you.
Get that email over the police asap.
Make sure they see and hear everything he is doing as he's still harassing you!
I've no idea how to do it but try to record phone calls and hand overs as well.
Glad you are getting support via counselling, that should help.
Keep going!

Justaboy · 15/09/2015 08:46

He won't be laughing and wilyl waving when he's there in the divorce court an the judge is ordering him to hand over the house and pay for upkeep of offspring etc. That will wipe any smiles off his face.

Do tread carefully he might just becoming a tad unstable you've done well to speak to the Old Bill least you've got your side of the story in first.

Any related family members you can talk to who might be able to knock a bit of sense into his head at all?.

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