Work travel issues

[Harridanshandbag]

Anyone have any? We have other things we are trying to resolve (or split if we can't it seems- we are at breaking point) however work travel plans are todays massive problem which seem the most likely issue to lead to the demise any sort of relationship that's left.

We have very young children and I've no support while he is away and I feel lonely, isolated, unappreciated and insecure that he's travelling a lot amongst other things like ignoring and telling me I'm horrible to him all the time. Yes there are other female coworkers he always travels with mostly one (who he never talks about ever) and if he wasn't treating me like utter crap at the moment I may have a few less reservations about these trips. And the dinners and the drinking and everythinh that goes with that for which I've been told I'm being completely unfair and unreasonable. I know this isn't AIBU, but am I?

Ive been called unhinged and insane for suggesting anything could happen as it's morally reprehensible to behave in such away and I'm jealous and possessive on top of being insane. This has been going on for about a year now however there is absolutely no connection or communication between us these days so who knows what's going on with him. Or me. We had certain agreements in place when he took this job even though I wasn't happy with his decision as I knew the impact and disruption it would have. He wanted to do it so he did. Fine. We moved on from that. He's gone back on these agreements and during a row told me he only made them to keep me quiet. I'm upset, sad and angry at all of it. I also have anxiety so understand this plays a part.

Can anyone help? Please.

Anyone?

If he worked near where you live, there would probably still be female co workers.

What do you fear ?

He has chosen you I assume to have children with

He probably thinks he is working hard to provide for his family

Is it the lack of communication that is bothering you ? what do you talk about ?

Do you work ?

Do you have any hobbies ?

Boozy work trips and opposite sex co-workers are facts of life in many jobs, so it's unreasonable to have a go at your partner just because he goes on them. Whether you trust him while on them depends on whether you trust him, full stop. It seems you don't.

One partner working away puts a huge strain on a relationship. In my time working away, I could count on the fingers of one hand the number of people who got through it still married.

That said I am not sure separation is your main issue there is absolutely no connection or communication between us these days That's not a problem or working away..that's a problem of communication.
he's gone back on these agreements and during a row told me he only made them to keep me quiet. IMHO opinion you need to make your DP step up and take responsibility for his family

Thanks. I had a career and would travel myself I also had many hobbies however had to give them up so he could pursue his interests so I've no time to myself and if I do take any then he retaliates by either sulking or doing something which requires much more time and organising. It's exhausting so I don't bother doing anything anymore as its not worth it. He took this job when our youngest was in an incubator knowing he'd be leaving a few weeks later for his first trip. I felt that that was not supportive in any way as at that point I was very unwell physically and mentally.

I'm 'having a go at him' for breaking promises and choosing to do something which isn't conducive to a stable family life for the rest of us. He prioritises his work relationships over his relationship with me I think it's understandable that I'm not exactly happy with how things are.

No, I don't trust him as he lies to me and rearranges situations in conversation to suit his agenda. I generally get treated like one of his clients he's trying to sell to. I find it quite weird to be honest that he can't separate work from me in this way.

When I said I want to go back to work recently and explained that because of the he break I'd had I'd lost out on promotions etc and it would be hard to start all over again and his answer was well you'll just have to get on with it and start from the bottom like I did.

There is absolutely no support for my role and any of the sacrifices I'm starting to resent making for him. It's just expected that I'm at home. I'm tired of being the default parent, in tired in general and I'm tired of having him criticise 'my housework' and parenting when he comes home from work. He sits in front of the TV with his headphones and if I try and talk I get told to leave him alone he doesn't even want to be in the same room as me. Any attempt at communicating either ends in him shouting and swearing and me or storming out so I don't bother anymore and just 'STFU'. We sleep separatly and don't speak at all in the mornings while he is getting ready. His moods are up and down however in the last months it just attack more if I speak to him about anything. I'm not allowed to address any issues or how I'm feeling and if his parents are around I have to act like everything is perfect.

How do I make him step up and take responsibility when we are not a priority to him. Well the dc are when he is here but he won't look after them during work hours for things that are necessary so I've had to miss things like hospital appointments and things relating to older children as younger siblings are permitted. He doesn't care he just says he can't miss work and waste his holiday.

We have no social life as a family and I have no social life at all. This wasn't always the case as I had a wide circle of friends.

I am deeply unhappy but I am trapped in this never ending cycle of hell and I don't know how to break out of it.

The issue is his attitude, not the working away.

I work away, and it certainly can look like dinners out all the time - but, we have to eat!

My team is 9 regular travellers, and we've travelled extensively for 10 years.

6 are happily married throughout
1 had an affair whilst away - his marriage was always unhappy
1 (me!) divorced but it was my XH who cheated
2 are unmarried and have found the travelling hard when dating - but have never cheated

It's not inevitable!

Your issue is the way he's treating you. Were the agreements you made reasonable? For example, if you said you didn't want him going out for the dinners, that's unreasonable. But if you said you wanted a phone call every night for a chat, that is reasonable.

What GP support do you have for your anxiety? It's so hard to know whether it's actually him making your anxiety worse! I can imagine him reaching the end of his tether if you were constantly accusing him. But it sounds like he's doing nothing to support you to make you feel better.

What was your relationship like before he worked away?

Would he go to counselling?

Boot him out and arrange 50/ 50 access. Get your life back and give him some responsibility.

Ignore my post! I was writing it when you were writing lots more info!

He sounds like a total arsehole.

I'd give him an ultimatum - and mean it. Counselling or divorce.

The only reason I'm suggesting counselling is that I suppose it's not right on one sided internet information to cry "LTB!"

But it very much sounds like he's an arsehole and you'd be happier single, getting your career and social life back.

Course he goes out for dinner and drinks but can't stay up that late at home.

Re anxiety its being managed although I wasn't anxious before all this. He had texts from some woman on one of these trips which he deleted but I saw them synced somewhere and he deleted them in case I saw them and misinterpreted them. the whole situation involving her and her company and what they were doing seemed really unprofessional though so within the context of what she was texting about it would be maybe conceivable but his tone when he was reply was not ok. He's form for flirting in the past. Distant and very long ago past. He also has form for lying about 'mistakes'.

I wouldn't care if he was going out when travelling as I'm not one to sit inside when I could be out living life to the full but

his conduct when away is a concern for me because he has multiple personalities and is very good at talking himself up. He does it with my family and sometimes I have to look at him with my mouth open thinking wtaf are you talking about.

I don't know if I can leave. It's a very very scary prospect. I won't lie, I'd like to keep my family together but not like this.

We went to counselling. Relate woman told me its all my fault because being pregnant makes women crazy hormonal screaming banshees and they feel fat afterwards which affects their esteem. She had no children not was she capable of getting out names right during the 4 sessions we went to. That was the last.

We went private which was brilliant I got a lot of of it but we couldn't afford to continue. He didn' 'enjoy' it anyway.

I don't feel I'm being an unreasonable nightmare I just want him to understand that I can't carry on with him bulldozing over my needs. He'll take everyone else's needs I I account though as he's the eternal good guy.

Am certain as well this man is all sweetness and light to those in the outside world; such emotionally abusive at heart people are often plausible to others. All her cares about is his own sorry self; one or both his parents probably act the same too.

I have often seen much criticism of Relate; they can be particularly useless anyway if you see the wrong person and you certainly saw the wrong person. Also they are not much use if there is a power and control imbalance within the relationship as there clearly is here. Not surprised either to read he did not enjoy seeing the private counsellor; he/she probably told him stuff he simply did not want to hear. You probably got a lot out of those sessions. I do think it was a mistake to do joint counselling though, he probably batted away any reasoned argument and simply refused to listen.

Leaving is scary because its the fear of the unknown to you (also you think there is never a good time to leave), what is even worse though is staying within this at all. You are a non person to him. He will never listen to you and he will never understand your point of view because he is at heart abusive in nature.

What do you get out of this relationship now, ask yourself that particular question.

Is this really what you want to teach your children about relationships, what do you think they are learning here?. I would seek legal advice because knowledge as well is power.

No he never ever listens or tried to understand. Anything I say is met with well you do...

I'm not jealous by nature never have been but the amount of energy he puts into work relationships and forming bonds with colleagues at the expense of our family is very hurtful.

Getting on as a team is important that's a given however he seems to sneer at me for being at home.

I feel paralysed at the moment with no options.

He told me he's this way because I've been so mean and critical for so long. I do put him up for hurtful inconsiderate behaviour and he usually shouts me down and swears until I stop talking. He tells me I make everything so difficult ie he'll make a decisions based on what he wants even if it will cause disruption and stress and then go in the attack if I try and explain why I have reservations. I will be told I'm unsupportive and trying to sabotage him and his career or whatever it is he's doing, seeing friends or whatever.

Hi Handbag,

re your comment:-
"He told me he's this way because I've been so mean and critical for so long. I do put him up for hurtful inconsiderate behaviour and he usually shouts me down and swears until I stop talking. He tells me I make everything so difficult ie he'll make a decisions based on what he wants even if it will cause disruption and stress and then go in the attack if I try and explain why I have reservations. I will be told I'm unsupportive and trying to sabotage him and his career or whatever it is he's doing, seeing friends or whatever".

All of the above from him is projecting behaviour (one of the emotional abusers many weapons of choice; they all say that their spouse drove them to do what they are doing, its all part of their script). HE is the one that is being mean and critical here. He is the one being abusive here. He never apologies and never accepts any responsibility for his own actions. The only team he supports is team him, he is not interested in family life. You have no say and outside these children no life of your own. Presumably as well they hear all his criticisms and shouting at you even if they are not in the same room.

You may feel paralysed with no options but this is really not the case. You know this treatment of you is wrong otherwise you perhaps would not have posted in the first place.

Would you now consider seeking legal advice?.

Attila is bang on here. Projection, projection, profuckingjection.

The only cure is ejection.

You are not wrong. Sadly.
Can I ask, projecting? In what way?
He won't change, I know this. He doesn't take the way I feel into consideration on any level although he says he just he just goes ahead and does what he wants anyway and will cite its for the family.

I then question how I feel as I think we'll then maybe I'm being unreasonable after all.

I also had many hobbies however had to give them up so he could pursue his interests so I've no time to myself and if I do take any then he retaliates by either sulking or doing something which requires much more time and organising.

This is your problem. You've gone from having equal footing, your own career, hobbies and travel, to being totally subsumed in what he wants. This is not ok. As a sahm, your job will involve more of the domestic stuff, yes, but for that you should be appreciated, have equal access to family funds and equal hobby time.
Being shouted down and sworn at for wanting an equal partnership is pretty unpleasant.

you need to have a conversation about your roles in the partnership. He needs to understand that there is a big difference between a sahp and a slave. If he doesn't understand that, and continues to treat you like this, you're going to need to reassess your future. Don't focus on the work travel, that's too easy for him to dismiss. Focus on the fact that he is not treating you like an equal partner, and go from there.

He doesn't take the way I feel into consideration on any level

There's your answer then. You're not being unreasonable - what kind of person does this - acts with no consideration of the feelings of, or impacts upon, those they are supposed to love?

He's not a very nice man, is he? It's ok to admit that. It's not a failing on your part.

Now, what are you going to do about it?

Oh Jesus your life will be so much better without him in it. I divorced when my kids were 2 & 3. And it was hard, but much less hard than being married to someone like your H. It took me a long, long time to even be open to being flirted with because he had done such an enormous number on my self esteem.

However as soon as he left the house (my house) my friends came back. Life got easier, the kids got easier - we became a team, and I had time off because they went to ExH every other weekend.

Work was OK - even if I was earning peanuts, but at least it was adult company, which I was starved of.

Time passes, things get better, you get better, your kids get bigger, it gets easier. I had a really good psychiatrist for a while, who I can always go back to when needed. He made me do lots and lots of homework, and I'm not sure I always got it, but it stopped my doubting myself that's for sure.

Can I suggest you go and see a lawyer, and just see what you could expect. It will really help you feel less powerless. Ask around a bit, to find a lawyer, from people who were happy with their divorce outcome. Not necessarily the ones that cleaned out/got cleaned out but the ones that still talk to their ex.

I agree that the problems sound a bit more deep rooted than just business travel. However, I'd like to give a woman's perspective on this. I travelled a lot with one male colleague who is married and mentioned that his wife was unhappy with the travelling. I started to get mega guilt about what his wife would think about us having dinner together so I started saying that actually I needed to go back to my room and work. This meant that for dinner - not having eaten all day - I would have a sandwich and some crisps from the nearest railway station. You can imagine that after a while this took a bit of toll on my health and general levels of satisfaction with life.

Projection can either be conscious - where the perpetrator knows they are deliberately deflecting blame or liability onto another person – or subconscious - where the perpetrator is unaware they are distorting or dissociating the facts.

Sometimes it is simply the result of good old fashioned Blaming - where blame or responsibility for a problem is conveniently attributed to another person. That is what your H is doing here.

You are being used as his dumping ground.

Atilla,

Thanks I've struggled to understand projecting in this context for sometime now because he won't take responsibility for anything and always has an excuse.

The relationship is so severely damaged for so many reasons but it's hard to let go as we've had good times. What a cliche.

Abusive people can be nice sometimes but their nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one. Such people as well never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

I would think that if you were to examine the good times more closely, you would find that they were few and far between in any case and are certainly less frequent now.

Sorry wally I've just seen your post. I'm terrified of being on my own, like I've failed. Deep down I know life can throw curve balls at you and it no reflection on me at a person etc etc however I feel a lot of pressure from him to pretend it's fine. He does threaten leave if I don't stop questioning certain behaviour but he never does because he can't afford to run two households and can't leave his children. I want him to leave but then feel so empty when he has done in the past.

You write that you're terrified of being on your own. TBH you are alone now within this marriage. Do not get further caught up in the sunken costs fallacy; that just enables you to keep making poor relationship decisions.

If anyone has failed here it is him.

He says that he cannot leave his children but how often is he ever there anyway?. It also seems that when he is there he is emotionally absent and they hear all the shouting from him towards you as well.