Feeling so sad and guilty

[snowflake02]

I have posted so many times before, I am ashamed to be back again needing more hand holding.

This was my first post I know the answers I got were crystal clear, but I am still really struggling to accept it, partly due to lack of rl support.

We separated 6 months ago and I have started divorce proceedings but in the last couple of months all the feelings about everything have caught up with me. I feel so sad to have lost my family unit and especially for the effect that has on my children. I know that I am much happier, but I still have a niggling voice at the back of my head telling me that I over reacted and it can't really have been that bad.

Part of that is because I came to doubt myself entirely in the last couple of years but it is also because of how my family have reacted. They are still in contact with him and treat him as if nothing has changed. They encouraged me to try more marriage counselling and do whatever it takes to save my marriage, even as recently as last month. They know what happened, so I feel that I must have over reacted or got it wrong somehow because if he had really raped me or been abusive in any way, surely my family would want me away from him?

Have I made a terrible mistake and torn my family apart over a misunderstanding? Or perhaps I have over reacted and as it wasn't violent I should be able to forget about it and move on?

Please help me get my head straight again, I can no longer afford to go to therapy and obviously I'm not getting much support from my family, so I'm back to doubting myself again. Thank you.

Just read back your first post and from my understanding of it was not a misunderstanding, you quite clearly said no and he carried on. It is a normal response to freeze in situations where you are threatened and then go along with further suggestions because you believe you are in danger if you don't. I didn't read the whole thread but imagine that others have said as much on there.

I don't know what to suggest except perhaps Rape Crisis, or seeing your GP and see if you can get counselling that way.

It is hard that your family don't see it, and while I don't have the experience you have had I am in an abusive relationship but none of my immediate family or friends can see it even when he is downright nasty to me in front of them, he is Mr Wonderful and they assume that I must have done something to upset him! Fwiw, I don't think you will change your family's opinion unless you prosecute and he is convicted and I think you need to work on yourself and find other RL support.

Hopefully someone with some more useful advice will be along soon, but I didn't want to read and run.

Can I ask you what happened? You mentioned rape.

I'm so sorry. Your family have let you down horribly here. Have you talked to rape crisis at all? It was not a misunderstanding to continue after you said no. Reading that thread - he regularly pressured you into sex and also raped you. I'm so sorry.

You are doing the right thing getting out of this marriage. You're happier, you will get through this and you have a family unit. It's just a bit smaller.

Hi, I just read your old post. In my option and in the eyes of the law it would be rape. You don't have to fight and scream for it to be rape. You seemed to panic which should have stopped him in his tracks and it was a clear message you didn't want to.
Sadly a lot of people think if you are married or the man is a partner then it can't be rape but rape is rape and no is no.
I think what you find hard is your whole world has come down around you over his actions. The one person you thought would never betray you has, and now your life has tipped upside down.
You really need to step back, think about how you feel, are you happy ire with him or without him? Can you forgive and forget and take the chance he won't do anything like this again? Can you trust him and could you move on from this? You could do with counselling so maybe a trip to your GP and explain what has happened, and they could refer you.

I'm sorry you are going through this but you really must not blame yourself or take him back to please anyone else, this really is about you and your safety and well being.

I really hope you get the help and support you need and don't feel rushed, and you really need to find out how you feel, at the end of the day your husbands words are cheap, and anyone can say sorry, this choice is yours and yours alone.

Good luck, remember it's not your fault. : )

Thank you for your replies.

TheLastCarnival I'm sorry you are nor getting the support you need from your family either. I think you are right that I will not be able to change their minds. My family seem to think my ex is Mr Wonderful too.

Greenfaith The post I linked to above explains what happened as I didn't fancy typing it out again, sorry.

Green op has linked to her original thread. It's all in there.

Xpost! Didn't refresh.

category12 that is a really good point about the family unit. It's just not how I ever imagined my life. It is just as Greenfaith says, my whole world has come crashing down. I just feel totally heartbroken, this was never meant to happen.

I tried so hard to move past it but I felt the trust had gone, especially as he told me he wanted to do it and I don't feel he has ever taken full responsibility for this or anything else that happened.

It wasn't an isolated incident, snowflake, and even if it were - he raped you. That's just not something to forgive and forget, it's just not.

It's tough now, I can only imagine - but it won't always be like this and you will get through. And in the future, you'll be free to find someone decent. It's natural to grieve for the family ideal you had, but you could never have that with him. Don't turn back now.

It is very upsetting. You are a mother, a women and he your husband has caused all this heart ache, but it's you that has to continue to be strong and hold everything together. No one can make you stick this out but I believe you and every women out there deserves better. I wasn't brave enough to end my relationship when this happened to me and I so wish I had but my family reacted the same which I found extremely difficult and I needed a hand to hold and support.

You are very brave for taking this stand, and it's going to be so very hard but I think you took the hardest step already which was saying what he did was wrong and you wasn't going to put up with bring abused.

I think you haven't lost out by walking away from your marriage but will gain a new path, and find new love down the line who wouldn't put you through this or hurt you physically or mentally.

Carry on being strong you can do it. : ) please talk to your GP I think support outside your family would be good.

I think that is exactly it, I am grieving for what I have lost and what will never be. But somehow I feel guilty for not wanting to be with him anymore and that it is my fault the family has broken up.

Greenfaith I'm so sorry this happened to you too. I hope you found the support you needed.

I'm worried I'm running out of strong, it has been such a hard couple of years.

I think I still feel that I need validation for choosing to walk away because I don't feel that my family have done that. I know that it shoudn't matter what they or anyone else think, but I just want to feel that I have done the right thing and not acted selfishly or over reacted to something that most other people would not have been bothered by.

Please do talk to rape crisis or something. You have done the right thing. It's not an overreaction.

I remember your original thread without even clicking on it. I was so pleased that you'd been able to move on with your life.

You can't let your family derail this. it is tragic that they don't support you, but that's their choice and their loss. It can be so hard for people to take on things like rape within marriage - I don't really know why. But that's their problem, not yours.

Thank you. Perhaps I will try calling rape crisis again, whenever I have tried recently I can't get through.

Stupid I know, I just never expected to feel so devastated by it all and part of me wonders if it is my fault because if i was stronger then perhaps I would have handled it better. Perhaps it would not have been a big deal to me at all. Even though I know that the rape part was just one element of what was going on.

Does anyone know if there is anyone else I can talk to other than rape crisis? Feeling very alone right now.

Hi Snowflake. I'm so sorry for what's happened to you. Have you considered the Samaritans? They are there 24-7. And relating to your post before - it is NOT your fault. No way.

Thank you, I needed to hear that.