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Relationships

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Original poster

Birthday present

21 replies

Torchlight86 · 07/09/2015 16:45

So I've been seeing my partner for about 6 months now and he didn't get me anything for my birthday last week! He lives quite far away and I saw him the day after my birthday, he sent me a happy birthday text etc but that was all, I feel a little bit surprised he hasn't sent or brought anything when he came, even just a little bunch of flowers or box of chocolates or a nice meal out when I saw him would have made me feel special, I wasn't expecting anything expensive/extravagant. It's just sort of made me feel a bit disappointed that he hasn't done anything! Not even a little gesture, what do you guys think? I haven't said anything to him and he didn't mention it other than the happy birthday and asked me what I'd got from family etc! I don't really feel mad or upset just a little surprised really! Just wondered what other people's thoughts or experiences were. Tia

OP posts:

Guiltypleasures001 · 07/09/2015 17:26

Hi happy late birthday wishes

He sent you a text and no card? Hmm I think I would have made a joke about strip searching him for a card or flowers to be honest.

For me it doesn't seem caring or forward thinking to not even give you a token gift. It's been 6 months I think it's a bit mean.

If it's long distance do you stay with each other? Who chips in for food shopping etc. is he mean in other ways.

dontcallmehonreturns · 07/09/2015 17:28

I think it's a bit mean too. My bf bought me a thoughtful gift after two months and I think after six months he could have done more. He might just have been thoughtless. Happy birthday

ImperialBlether · 07/09/2015 17:29

Has he had a birthday in the time you've known him? If so, what did you do for that?

Cabrinha · 07/09/2015 17:34

I presume he hasn't had a birthday during the last 6 months?
I do think it's a bit odd to not get you a card.
I think you should wait until you're together in person again, and tell him that you like to celebrate birthdays, and are they not a big thing in his family. I'd focus not on a present as such, but the card or going sonething to mark it, like a meal.
If he can't respond well to that conversation, you're onto a loser with him. I don't mean that he has to be embarrassed and apologetic and buy something huge next day! But he has to listen to your feelings.
I would always get a present for a boyfriend, but my siblings and I never do any more than text - so I can see that it can be normal to not really do anything.

Original poster

Torchlight86 · 07/09/2015 17:42

Thanks, he's pretty generous when it comes to paying for food etc, I've been to stay with him and he's paid for most things, I've paid for meals etc it's probably slightly more him paying than me but it's pretty even! I think the reason I'm most surprised is he's told me a lot of things he's done for previous girlfriends, his mum, friends etc that seem very time and money generous! His birthday was about 2 days after we'd met and weren't even seeing each other or anything by then so I just sent him a nice picture and happy birthday etc, so possibly he thinks I didn't get him anything so he didn't get me anything? but 2 weeks and 6 months are very different, and it's a lot easier for a guy to just send a nice little bunch of flowers, it's not so easy the other way round there's nothing like flowers you can send to a guy really! I don't really feel like I can say anything because it just sounds a bit spoilt but it's a little disheartening that he didn't want to even send a little gesture or anything! It does make me feel like he isn't really that bothered! x

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 07/09/2015 17:54

I'd feel he wasn't really bothered - sorry to say that. I'd also think that if you didn't get a present in the first year, you won't get one in subsequent years!

Also you say he's generous but actually he spent the same as you did.

Original poster

Torchlight86 · 07/09/2015 17:54

It really isn't anything to do with money or wanting gifts, a mix cd or a card with a nice message in would have made me just as happy as something that cost a lot. X

OP posts:

dontcallmehonreturns · 07/09/2015 18:02

It's the thought that matters and I get that. I'd perhaps mention it to him.

Cabrinha · 07/09/2015 18:03

You need to tell him.
If your worry that you'll sound spoilt - which means, your worry that he won't LISTEN - is that great, then you should give up on this relationship.
Seriously.
People would save themselves a lot of heartache if they would communicate their feelings, and judge their partners by their responses to them doing so!

ImperialBlether · 07/09/2015 18:06

You could ask him if he's a Jehovah's Witness and give as your reason that he clearly doesn't celebrate birthdays...

Original poster

Torchlight86 · 07/09/2015 19:23

I'll maybe try and mention it to him in a relaxed type manner rather than a confrontation, I don't want it to seem like he's been told off, but equally he should know that I feel a little hurt. From the way he's acted I think it seems like it hasn't even crossed his mind that he should do anything, not that he's consciously decided not to! Although I'm not really sure which is worse! ???? I just think when you're are in a relationship you should make each other feel loved and valued and cherished and you should want to do nice things for each other! x

OP posts:

Greenfaith · 07/09/2015 20:05

Happy late Birthday anyway. I think after six months yes he should have done domething even if it was a cheap card and a cheap box of chocolates.
I think even if he was broke he knew it was your birthday so why didn't get put something aside.

I'm not sure how you would tell him this, i would feel weird bringing it up but I think you shouldn't put up with it.

He should have made an effort one way or another.

Good luck.

tunnockt3acake · 07/09/2015 23:19

I know people that do not give cards.
In a time of online social media & mobile phones, cards are a little old skool

However if you have been dating for a while, it seems odd that he gave you no present

It is not about the present or how much was spent, it is the thought that counts

Do you both value this relationship ?

Original poster

Torchlight86 · 08/09/2015 00:02

I thought we did both value it but this has made me doubt it! I feel really disheartened, he's been very quick to tell me all the ways he's treated other people so I'm left wondering if he just doesn't like me enough to do the same for me or if these stories he's told me are exaggerations or what! My family spent the day telling me they were sure he would have ordered some flowers to be sent but obviously he hadn't, I'm just a bit sick of been disappointed (not necessarily by him!) wouldn't it be nice for once to be pleasantly surprised by someone! :( x

OP posts:

Joysmum · 08/09/2015 00:08

No card and a text, not a phone call then no mention or marking of it with a meal or something else when he saw you. I'd be annoyed.

tunnockt3acake · 08/09/2015 00:19

Happy belated birthday

Cake

Flowers

Bubbly (drink or bath)

Maybe if you were only going out a short time he did not know what to buy you ?

However, something like chocs, flowers, perfume, meal are all acceptable

Is he lazy or unthoughtful ?

Original poster

Torchlight86 · 08/09/2015 00:50

My family are quite annoyed, they haven't even met him yet and are now already judging him on it, I think they basically think I should just end it! I don't feel like it warrants an out and out dumping but I do feel it should be addressed! I have no idea what to say or how to broch the subject though! :(

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 08/09/2015 06:47

I think running off to tell your family instead of talking to him is a bad idea!
Why can't you speak to him?
If it will cause a problem talking to him, then you're with the wrong person so no big shakes if it means you split over it.

Sounds like you text each other, so keep it simple that way if you like.

"Hey, you know it was my birthday on X? Can I clear the air over something? Honestly, I was expecting a card and a token gift or going out to celebrate, and I was a bit disappointed that didn't happen. And surprised too. My friends and family always mark birthdays and I like it - do you and yours not?"

And see how he responds.
If he has a go at you and suggests you're demanding in any way - dump.
If he says he doesn't do gifts, and you know it's important to you, dump.

Optimist1 · 08/09/2015 06:56

Excellent advice from Cabrinha above.

Original poster

Torchlight86 · 08/09/2015 10:19

Canto ha - just to clarifyI didn't 'run off and tell my family' like I was dobbing someone in, but naturally when you've been in a relationship with someone for that long who your family know about the first thing they asked after he'd been was 'what did he get you?'

We talk on the phone most nights, we do text but only sporadically through the day as we both work. I will talk to him about it, at the moment I honestly don't know how I will though, although your text idea is good, sometimes I think there's too much pressure to do awkward things like this face to face, at least through text neither of us have to feel awkward or put on the spot etc! Thanks :) x

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Original poster

Torchlight86 · 08/09/2015 10:20

So auto correct at the beginning there cabrinha*

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