Could someone help me make sense of this please? No intimacy marriage, staying together and co parenting

[Shambambolista]

I am very unhappy with my marriage.

Dh and I barely talk, have separate rooms, don't touch each other. The relationship is over in all but name.

I want to move out, amicably, and divorce if things can't change. Dh says I shouldn't expect more, that plenty of people parent in these circumstances and that its best for the kids. His parents did it, he argues, why shouldn't we, and he was happier for it having them both around. His dad serially cheated on his mum and they split up as soon as he was 18, but have remained amicable and involved ever since.

I don't feel I signed up for marriage and a family to have no romantic, intimate relationship heading the family up. I'm lonely, tearful and unhappy.

He says this is what he can give and I should accept it for the sake of the kids.

I just do not understand why he thinks this is ok and feel that what I can offer someone in terms of who I am more than just being a co parent in a loveless marriage. Also I would prefer my children did not internalise this as a model of how relationships with. Please help me make sense of this, I am lost.

Sadly his parents taught him by example that a loveless marriage was the norm.

You know that it isn't. A marriage, or any relationship, should not leave you feeling lonely and unfulfilled.

I would assume he will be following his dad's example and having numerous affairs?

He can't stop you from moving out or divorcing him. He might not like it, but that's tough on him I'm afraid. Your marriage is over - you do what you need to do to keep yourself and your kids sane.

Your husband is an excellent example of what happens when parents have a loveless marriage. You need to show your children it isn't normal. You don't need his permission to divorce.

God, he's had a miserable childhood and wants to model his marriage on his parents' miserable marriage! Note they split up as soon as he was 18!

You don't need his permission. File for divorce and either stay single or try to find someone who will help you show your children what a good marriage is like. Either is preferable to your children staying with both of you when it's as bad as it is now.

Your husband is an excellent example of what happens when parents have a loveless marriage.

This.

DP's parents did very much the same thing. Fortunately he hasn't grown up to copy them, quite the opposite, but it has certainly left a very deep and lasting impact on him.

On the one hand yes, if you are not fighting and can live together amicable in your house to co-parent than maybe that would be ok. As long as your children grew up to understand the truth of it all and you weren't pretending to them that you had had a happy marriage. If you were just friends now who shared a house so that you could see lots of your kids. Though I'd never imagine that would be a remotely ideal set up.

But why would anyone want to do that? He's essentially saying that neither of you should be going out and looking for the person who can and will make you happy.

He might be happy to live like this. You don't have to be. If you don't want to be in this marriage anymore then you can tell him this.

His parents's relationship model was a poor one and it's now being held up as a example, to excuse him emotionally and physically checking out of your marriage. Zero intimacy may be all that he wants but it sure as hell is not what you have to accept and he doesn't get to decide when your needs are met. Do you really want the cycle to continue and for your relationship with your H to be your children's relationship role model?

You're incompatible on a fundamental level, ignore the emotional blackmail he's desperately employing to maintain the status quo. I'm guessing his 'for the children's sake', will evaporate when he doesn't get his own way and being 'amicable', will be your sole responsibility.

You know what you need to do.

I would seek legal advice asap if you have not already done so with a view to separating.

No you should not accept this emotional crap for the sake of the children from him. Staying for them rarely if ever is a good idea and I also note his parents split as soon as he was of age. Their marriage was over long before he became 18 as well (as yours is). He has simply learnt damaging relationship lessons from his own parents, and these are ones that he is prepared to pass onto his children thus teaching them that a loveless marriage is their "norm" too. He learnt that from his parents, that a loveless marriage is his normal.

What do you want to teach them about relationships?. They are learning from both of you currently. Your children won't say, "thanks mum and dad" for staying together. They are all too aware that things are not good at home and you cannot fully protect them from the realities of this. They may well despise you in particular for (in their eyes at least) putting him before them if you were to stay.

There is never a good time to leave but staying within this at all is really a non starter for you or your children.

Thanks for all posts. Needed a bit if time to digest what posters wrote. I do agree- I feel so torn about whether to try and 'make it' work- but weirdly if we try to be in an intimate relationship, we argue more. If we leave each other alone we argue less so the home is more peaceful.
He is not taking me seriously at all about leaving- not attempting any affection/ conversation/ intimacy. He is doing more in the house and with the kids which is helpful and previously been a huge source of tension. I just do not understand it at all.

OP, just from my own experience I can tell you he is wrong.

Six months ago I was in more or less exactly the same position as you, was in a loveless marriage where we co-parented more or less well but there was no intimacy (sex, but no affection), H didn't prioritize family time and almost never did anything with me alone, he was also drinking heavily and was verbally abusive to me. I agonized over whether to "break up the family" over this as he was and is a very loving father and I didn't want to separate him from our daughter.

Today we have a very amicable, though occasionally dysfunctional, co-parenting relationship. He lives just down the road, sees our DD 3/4 times a week, she is very happy, largely unaffected by the fact that we no longer live together, cherishes time spent with him and talks excitedly about helping him to decorate his new house.

I'm not going to pretend its all roses and sunshine as my relationship with my ex is quite tempestuous, he is not providing anywhere near an adequate level of financial support and falls short on childcare logistics. We do argue quite a lot (though never in front of DD)

But I'm happier, working through my issues and no longer feel I'm living a lie. DD is happy and has a great relationship with her dad. And we still do things together as a "family".

Not all break-ups are equal and some are rougher than others. But anyone who tells you that children do better in an atmosphere of forced togetherness where the parents have sacrificed their happiness at the alter of "keeping the family together" is is deluded. Its possible to have a very good parenting relationship as exes, to put the child's (or children's) interests first and for both of you to move on and find fulfilment.

It sounds as if your H, based on his own upbringing, doesn't recognise this. But if you decide to choose a life based on better fulfilment for you, you should know that you are not sacrificing your children.

He's not taking you seriously about leaving because you aren't serious about leaving. You're H has made it clear that he wants to maintain the dysfunctional status quo, if you don't, then the onus is on you to change it.

You aren't compatible.

We stayed together for you.

That's a terrible burden to put on a child

Take your time to think things through. I was where you are for 5 years & we split 2 months ago. I'm exhausted but happy!

He is very wrong and has no right to impose a relationship devoid of any intimacy on you, of course you are entitled to have a proper sexual relationship with a partner, he's giving you none of that so that alone is a perfect example of why you should separate, amicably.

I would wonder what he is doing for sexual release tbh.

And yes he isn't taking you seriously.

Have you discussed with him the possibility (as mentioned upthread) of the two of you living together with the children as co-parents who are not in a romantic relationship? If two parents are not romantically/sexually compatible they can still get along all right as long as both are reasonable people who can agree on ground rules (eg no new partners stay overnight in the family home/no attempts to sabotage each other's dating).
Apart from the lack of physical affection/intimacy, are you pleasant to each other, do you laugh at the same things, do you have any shared interests? You could build on these for an amicable co-parent set up.

Finally, do you think your H intends to have (or is already having) other sexual partners, or is he simply not interested in sex in general? Because if what he is selling you is a deal where he, being The Man, gets to do what he likes but you, being only a woman, are supposed to put up and shut up, then that won't do at all.

It's his view of the norm, makes him feel safe and comfortable. He can get that with someone who also sees it as the norm, for whom safety and comfort lie in that.

That person is not you. For you, marriage includes intimacy, friendship, companionship, togetherness, fun, love and laughter, shared experiences and so on.

Leave. Please. You Each want very different things and see your future very differently. Simply not compatible. Do not sacrifice your happiness.