I don't have anyone to discuss this with irl. So I wonder if you wouldn't mind reading through this long essay, and let me know if I am being petty, unreasonable, clingy and any of those things. I just don't know anymore:
My dh and I will be married 20 years soon. He works away a lot. I spend an awful lot of time alone. Lately he has been away over weekends too, or leaves for a trip on a Sunday morning, saying that its better so that he is ready to do whatever in the place first thing Monday morning.
Things haven't been good for a while now. I also think that he goes on trips that are unnecessary sometimes because he gets "cabin fever", We have two teenage dc, things can be difficult sometimes as most parents of teens experience I am sure.
When he is away, he lives the life of riley. Eating out, socializing, going to bed late. When he is home, he is in bed asleep by 8pm every night. Its like he doesn't even want to be here. He came back from a trip on Thursday afternoon. He wasn't even home half and hour and he had taken his motorbike out the garage and said he is going for a ride. No invite to come along, so he buggered off for an hour on the bike, I hadn't seen him for a week. Came back, ate, chatted to kids a while then went to bed. He is tired, I must understand that its tiring being away...... Well of course its tiring when you are out drinking every night and partying the night away.....
But there is one thing that I just cannot get past. We went on holiday a couple of years back to a tiny town which is on the coast. We had such a nice time and while we were there, we found a piece of land for sale, which we ended up buying. Our plan for the land is to build a house there, for now for holidays but eventually the house we will eventually retire to. We live in the city now, and its always something we have dreamed of. The land next door to this was also bought recently and the owners of the neighbouring land have started to build their house. The land is about 7 hours drive from where we currently live. Dh said that when he goes on his next trip to that area he will go there to see what they are doing so that we can start drawing up our plans. He goes to this area quite often, about every 2nd month or so. Sometimes more. He had to do to that area, and had to take one of the women from the office with him (still don't understand why but I get told nothing). The plan was to take a drive to land, have a look then they would go stay in a hotel in the town about an hour away that night. Of course, that didn't happen. He and she stayed in that town that night, in one chalet that had two bedrooms. The chalet we spent our holiday in! He swears blind that nothing happened between them. This already is a problem for me as who knows if something happened.... but the whole thing that is bothering me, is that that place is OUR place, MY place. I have been nowhere this year on a holiday or a trip, and I asked dh if there was anywhere that we could go during the year is to this place during July, as the whales come in there and its the one thing that I wanted to see. I wanted to see the whales in my special place. Of course I didn't get to go, but guess when they went. In July when he knew that was the only one thing I wanted to do this year. And she is the one that went with him to OUR land, and saw what the neighbours are doing, and i guess that they were all chatty about what and how we should build etc etc.... He even send me pictures of it, and of the beach. Pity that the photo he took had two people in the shadow then, him and her...... He says nothing happened, it was a business trip and it was convenient to go then whilst he was down there.
He went away again this morning. His trip was planned on Friday, but I was only told last night as an aside.... he was sitting on the couch and said "oh i better go pack" I said "pack for what, where are you going?" to which he shouts at me as reckons he told me and I never listen. He did not tell me, i think that if he had i would have remember since it was only booked on Friday.
I have written a letter to him this morning. I am tempted to email it to him. In the letter I have asked him to move out. I cant talk to him. If i do he will storm out, shout and me and blame me for everything, the only thing he can ever reply is 'WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT!!" I cant take it anymore. Gets a high flying job in which I sacrificed mine in order for him to get it and now its seems i am no longer good enough. In the letter I have told him to do whatever he pleases for the new house on the land. I have no feelings for that place anymore. He has taken that from me by taking someone else to MY place. It isn't special anymore to me now. I don't care anymore. I feel like I am going mad. I am strong normally. I am not this person that sits in front on a computer sobbing crying and with no-one to talk to.