Lost

[Ilooklikeawhale]

I have had an awful day with DH. not the first time we have a major row but today was worse than normal and I really do not know what to do.
We went for a walk and DS 3.5 was not happy and crying whilst I was struggling to put DS 5 months in the baby carrier. I then had to hold DS's hand as we were walking by a small lane with cars driving by us, and I asked DH 3 times to take DS with him as I was struggling with both children. I was annoyed as I feel like it is always up to me to manage DS's behaviour as DH's attitude is 'well he does not want to hold my hand, what do you expect me to do' .
I came to DS's level and told him that he was carrying on we would be going home. When I got up I said something to DH (nothing awful I can't remember the exact words, but something along the lines of he should have been in control of this situation) and he looked at me in a horrible angry way and pushed me quite hard, but only with 2 fingers (sounds crazy when I write that) saying 'does this feel nice then?'. I told him I would not tolerate physical violence and that I wanted to go home. Toddler started screaming even more and DH yelled at him that it was his fault and that mummy and daddy were arguing because of his screaming. He then walked away.
I had no car keys, no phone, no money, nothing, so yelled at him to come back and had to follow him for a few minutes. He then took my toddler's rucksack and water bottle and threw it all violently on the ground and walked back to the car (10 minutes away) and left me to walk with now screaming baby and DS who had thankfully calmed down a bit.
We had a major argument at home and I am not sure what to do.
He is refusing to leave (which I have said is what I would like as things have gone too far).
He thinks that I am at fault and causing his outbursts as I am apparently horrible etc...
I think he suffers with anxiety. Is there any hope of things getting back under control? Is it worth staying with him?
I still love him, but I don't like him very much at the moment. This is not an isolated incident, it is the worst so far but it worries me as things could escalate further? And I do not think he realises how wrong his behaviour is and how badly it impacts our children.
He is angry with me about a credit card debt I did hide from him a few years ago. All now paid off and as I have said to him not something I can take back unfortunately. I know I should never have hidden that from him (it was about £5 K), but surely if he wants us to be happy together he now needs to let it go? In my defence I suffered badly with PND at the time and was shopping like mad as a way to cope with my depression.

Any thoughts / advice would be much appreciated

He doesn't suffer with anxiety (well he might but his behaviour is outweighing any concern I may have for that!), he suffers from being a bully.

Nothing he did in that incident was acceptable. He should have helped you. He shouldn't have pushed you. He needn't have got so angry. He shouldn't have shouted at his son and he shouldn't have said what he said to him. He shouldn't have left you. He shouldn't have blamed you. He shouldn't be bringing up things that happened 5 yrs ago and are totally unrelated to the problem in hand. He can't keep flinging that at you. (Have you thought about why you had PND? And more specifically his part to play in that?)

This wasn't a one off and you are right it looks like his behaviour is escalating.

I'm glad you want him to leave. He needs to. He needs to know your boundaries too. However it doesn't surprise me that he won't accept those boundaries (or responsibility) and won't leave. Keep reiterating you want him to leave over the next few days. Make living with you uncomfortable for him. See if that works. Otherwise consider leaving with the children yourself (if only temporarily)

Perhaps see a solicitor and have a look at the Rights of Women website as well.

In tears reading your post scallopsrgreat

Scallops that's utterly appalling behaviour from a father and a husband. Truely awful - you should not put up with it. What's to love about him ffs? He didn't see the risk your DS was in if he didn't hold his hand? FFS!! Forget the money history - he's a knob, an unfit father and a lousy husband, based on what you've explained here, and if he doesn't realise how shit his behaviour is, he's beyond hope.
Tell him to pack his bags and good luck to you

Oh sweetheart I'm sorry! I thought I was just validating your feelings, mainly. I didn't mean to make you cry .

You don't have to do anything now. Think about it for a couple of days and then see how you feel and want to progress. Also keep talking on here if it helps. Other wise (and perhaps less blunt posters!) will be able to share the burden.

You know his behaviour is wrong though. It's a step in the right direction for you.

x

I think it doesn't matter what you said or what was going on, pushing you "with two fingers" is pushing you, it's wrong, throwing the kids bag and water bottle on the floor and walking off was wrong, he could have given you the car key and said "give me five minutes" to cool off. His in the wrong, and he done all this in front of the kids which wasn't fair. You are not in the wrong at all, and don't please think you are or make excuses for him.

there is soo much anger and hostility in his behaviour that i am worried for the safety of you and your cc. Can you get advice and support and work towards a better life for you and your children?

everything he did was unacceptable. I don't think that sounds like anxiety either. It sounds like the outright hostility of someone who doest like or respect you even on a basic level. You were carrying a baby!

Hug for you OP!

i look, are you OK? It sounds very scary. Are the other incidents as scary? He shouldn't be losing his temper like that at your toddler and the prodding makes me think he's trying to show how strong he is and intimidate you. I hope you are alright. I think to be honest I would make plans, and ask him to leave by a certain date and prepare to ring police if when you ask him to leave you feel threatened. Xxxx

Thank you so much for your messages, I am ok, just feeling traumatised by what happened yesterday, and very worried about the future.
It is the first time he does anything physical, but not the first time he goes far beyond what is acceptable. I know rationally that there is no excuse for his behaviour, but he keeps saying it is my fault and I think I have half convinced myself it is the case, which is why your post was so difficult to read scallop.
But thank you, that was what I needed to hear

How do I leave someone who does not want to leave?
I can't / don't want to move house. We live very close to a fab primary and DS will be entering reception next year, so I need to be at this address until January.
I have absolutely nowhere else to go (other than to my parents, but that would involve moving back to France).

OP this is more serious than a good primary school. Your H assaulted you in public whilst you were carrying a baby and this is part of a pattern on abusive behaviour on his part. When he's at work today ring 101 and ask to speak to someone in the Domestic Violence office. Also speak to Women's Aid or a solicitor.
If ultimately it means returning to France then you may have to face that.

I will have to live with the consequences of what is going to happen for years to come, and it seems silly to move to a very precarious situation when I live somewhere lovely where my children are very settled, if there is an option to get my h to move out. I want to provide the best chances for my children and staying where we live gives them that.
I have a job here, my life is here, my friends are here.

All excellent and valid points. You also have an abusive bully as a husband and father. You need to protect the children and yourself. Please take action to have him removed. Next time and their will be a next time the violence will be greater.

It was not your fault.
It is not your fault.

It would however be foolish to make big life decisions based on proximity to a primary school. Ideally he should leave.

What can you do if he won't go? Him simply staying won't fix his marriage. I think your next move needs to be weighed up against if his violence is likely to escalate.

if you divorce , assets will be divided. Can you afford to keep the house on your own ? If not then put that wish aside and deal with what you can .Get legal advice and work for a better future for you and your children. He is who he is and each boundary he crosses will lead to a further step down the road of abuse. Your children will watch and learn either to become abusers by identifying with the bully or abused by identifying with the victim. The middle road would be preferable but it's complex for children to work that out and many get developmentally stuck . You do not want you and your children to live like this . Take the first step then the next and so on.