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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do I fix us

11 replies

Needssomehelp1111 · 06/09/2015 20:41

I've been going threw some mental health problems but my Dp has completed turned into someone I don't recognise in the past few months and it honestly has only been a few months.

We have 2 dc 1 has sn and 1 is a baby so I'm at home 24/7 and don't get much sleep, he works evenings (part time hours.
He refuses to help at night even when he's off.
He's started calling me names (I am stupidly letting these get to me) and says it's my fault, an example from today was I said dc1 couldn't get a toy and he called me a stupid bitch as I didn't have a valid reason for it, when I told him it wasn't fair to say that he says it's my fault I deserved it as I was acting like one.
He says I need to let him have a break but says I don't need one as I don't work, he will let me get a quick bath each night though but it's never really a proper break as the kids are normally running around.
If I try to cuddle him he says unless we are going to have sex then it's not fair as he cant control himself and he will try touching me until I've made it clear I said no.
He knows I was abused as a child and this is bringing a lot of things back to me right now.
He says he is depressed but won't do anything about it, I know he can be different nothing like this happened prior to 3 months ago I just don't know how to fix us when he's acting like this.
Is there anything I can do or have I let it slip to far away.
So far I've tried doing everything to make him happy ie not complaining, letting him have time away and having sex it's never good enough I really feel drained by it all.
I've also tried talking and saying we can work out a shedule so we both know what we should be doing and that we both get a break but he refused to engage saying it's easy for me staying at home.
Sorry for rambling i just need others thoughts on all this this.

OP posts:
Inexperiencedchick · 06/09/2015 20:56

So sorry that you are in this situation Flowers

He doesn't respect you=calls you names=and that drains you.

He probably thinks he is a gift from God as he works and you don't do anything. From his point of view "staying at home and looking for kids = nothing", it's not a job and you shouldn't be tired.

Regarding cuddles: he is not a giver rather taker/user...

I don't have any advice, sorry... just to say that he is EA.

What have happened 3 months ago?

Needssomehelp1111 · 06/09/2015 20:59

3 months ago is when I became depressed again and looking back everything was fine before that, it was he was on board to help with everything. He did everything when I was in and out of hospital during dc2 pregnancy at the start of the year and didn't complain once.

OP posts:
Inexperiencedchick · 06/09/2015 21:04

Why did you become depressed? Any particular reason?

Even though he can't treat you like that...

If you are happy he will be around, if not he will push you down more?!

Can you do some counselling re your depression?
Are you taking any pills re your health state?

RatherBeRiding · 06/09/2015 21:07

Are you receiving treatment for your depression? Does he acknowledge that you have MH issues and is he supportive/understanding or is he one of those "why don't you just snap out of it" people who really have little understanding of or sympathy for those people suffering from clinical depression.

Needssomehelp1111 · 06/09/2015 21:07

I have an am getting help dc2 is 6 months old and everything got very overwhelming for me so I broke down and I've been trying to keep it together and our relationships falling apart.
I do feel it's my fault if I had managed to not feel down then this wouldn't be happening.

OP posts:
heyday · 06/09/2015 21:08

Having two very young children is really hard work and can add enormous stress onto relationships that are already difficult. He has admitted that he is depressed and this could be a very valid reason for his recent unpleasant outbursts. I am not justifying his unpleasant behaviour but it may help you to understand it a little and not to take his insults too personally if possible. He has his own issues to deal with, which he may or may not choose to do. Your main priority is to look after yourself as best you can so you can be well enough to look after yourDC.
Do you have an understanding doctor who can offer you some additional help especially with your own mental health issues. If you have a SureStart centre nearby they are great places for advice, support and children's services.
Hopefully, when you are feeling a little stronger you can calmly try to talk to DP and tell him how his behaviour is making you feel. If you do it calmly hopefully it won't escalate into a full blown argument.
As he is only working p/t and you not at all I presume that money is quite tight which can also bring a lot of stress. Try to get out to the park, for a walk, playgroups or to see your friends as much as possible to give yourself a break from the home and to help the DC. I really hope in time that you can resolve these issues and that happier days can emerge,

RachelZoe · 06/09/2015 21:10

I am stupidly letting these get to me

You are not stupid, he's being vile, you're perfectly entitled to be upset.

have I let it slip to far away

This is not your fault, he is the person in the wrong here.

He sounds dreadful. I don't think relationships like this should be fixed, he is treating you abysmally, especially given that you have your MH problems to deal with on top. I would consider leaving if I were you. Some people who are abusive, will wait until their partner is at their most vulnerable before they start being like this, it's a control thing. Obviously I don't know your whole situation, but based on what you have written here, it does not sound like a healthy or happy relationship.

I hope you're ok and things pick up soon Flowers

Inexperiencedchick · 06/09/2015 21:11

Oh dear, so sorry...

It's not your fault, please don't think that way...

Anyone can be in your shoes...

Just keep smiling even when it's difficult to do that. It helps really, Flowers

heyday · 06/09/2015 21:13

Your last post has only just come through. Please do not blame yourself for being down (depressed)..... It's bloody hell and nobody on this earth chooses it. Please go to a SureStart centre and see what help is available. They used to have volunteers to come around to the home for a few hours a week to help families who are having a tough time and this maybe a great help to you, it could offer a short break from the constant ness of the children and give you a friendly listening ear to talk to.

summerwinterton · 06/09/2015 21:27

he sounds vile, abusive, name calling, continue touching you until you make it clear you said no!

You don't need to fix anything except to get rid of this vile specimen. And I am sure then you would feel much less depressed.

Women's Aid can and will help you. And I am sure there is much RL support out there you can access too.

Needssomehelp1111 · 06/09/2015 21:32

We don't have a sure start centre here, dc1 is in nursery.
I get anxious with people in the house and I don't know how I could explain some of the things in Rl.
My gp Is understanding and I'm under cmht.
I figure it's my fault as I knew I got low after dc1 I feel guilty about not being in more control of that (I hope that makes sense), I feel live I've ruined it all and need to try fix it but I've ran out of ideas and energy.
He's working right now but he will come back and will either pretend/forget (I'm unsure of which) and get into bed and really nice or come in and complain about something that I've done or moved it misplaced that he needs- i feel like I'm walking on eggshells a lot right now.

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