Still not over him

[agardenfullofflowers]

11 months ago I left my abusive husband and fled to a refuge with our children. After 6 months I found a house where I now live with the children. I continued to have contact with my ex until a month ago when we seriously argued over his behaviour, he refused to see his attitude as wrong and has refused to change, he's not phoned or seen the children since. I know he was abusive but I miss him, it would be our 10 year wedding anniversary this month :(

Well done you for leaving him! That's a massive acheivement

Are you missing him or are you missing the company?

Its him I'm missing (but only the good bits!) I also feel really guilty as I know the children miss him.

It's like missing smoking, you miss the habit, you miss the company, but smoking is bad for you don't you have to think like that. His no good for you and it isn't fair on the kids either. Its hard but fleeing an abuser but yet keeping him in your life won't help you move on. If he doesn't call you then see that as a blessing. Close this door and another one will open in time.

I admire you more for leaving even though you still had feelings for him. But remember that in order for you to see past the fog of those feelings you must have been at rock bottom and desperate to remove you and the kids from that situation.

He doesn't miss you all enough to admit what he's done and to change. He let his kids live in a refuge rather than take responsibility for his actions. That is not a man you will miss in your life five, ten years from now.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Any break up is difficult, you're doing that, setting up a home and raising a couple of kids while you're at it. One day you'll realise you haven't thought about him at all, the kids will be the same. Who do you feel sorry for now?

No words, only

OP it takes a long time to recover from an abusive relationship. You have been apart from him for 11months and you have not had contact for a month, you are forgetting why you had to remove your DC from their home and move them into a refuge. You are forgetting how much of a dick he was just before he went NC.

The man you miss left you a long, long time ago, if he actually existed in the first place. Mourn him and continue going forward.

Try and focus on all the bad bits about him, I know it's hard , I split from my dh 6 months ago, he was emotionally abusive, not a great father and we had very little in common, we argued a lot. I still see him quite often as he has regular contact with the dc's, he often comes over for his dinner or for a chat, luckily from time to time the old him shows its face and I think 'thank god I no longer have to live with that', yes he has his good points but he has a lot of bad points, luckily my dc's don't miss him and are happier since he moved out, they probably get more attention from him now then when he lived here. I still struggle, I have days where I want to cry all day, days where I miss him but mainly I just miss being with someone ( the company and the intimacy ).