Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Dont know where my partners gone

16 replies

Love2014 · 06/09/2015 17:50

Hi I'm really upset, my partner and I had an argument yesterday about a car. Our house got broken into a few weeks ago and we lost a lot of things included irreplaceable objects belonging to loved ones and lost our car. We were struggling to find one we liked yesterday I had started a stupid argument with him over it. I have a tendency of taking out my upset at times on him. Just had a difficult couple of years, had a miscarriage, lost my dad after a long illness and now this, as well as spraining my ankle week after break in. Just feel like we have gone from one crisis to another and I suppose Ive grown to rely on him for emotional support. He said something awful to me as well so asked him to leave for a bit, but regretted it as soon as he left. Now he wont speak to me and has been gone over 24 hrs. Just feel like we are going through a proper hard time at the moment. I dont know how to get him back and feel lost and heartbroken without him. I dont want to talk to my friends cos I guess it will make the whole thing real the fact I might have lost him. Ive rang him loads of times but he wont talk to me or discuss anything. could really do with some advice

OP posts:

Dowser · 06/09/2015 18:04

Oh deat! That's not good! Is it?

My advice is to step away from phone,FB, what's app and tempting as it is to try to hook himback in , just leave him alone.

If, he decides he wants tocome back then it must be his decision.

You sound needy and desperate at the moment so no wonder he's ran for the hills.

You need to be the person you would like to love in a relationship.

So, you've got to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, find that inner core of steel and show him what a steady mature adult you can be because right now he's probably thinking he's dodged a bullet.

Theuglytruth33 · 06/09/2015 18:26

It's only been 24 hours Hun.
Give him space.
He will be back.

Original poster

Love2014 · 06/09/2015 18:28

Thanks alot.. thats really shook me out of the pit of upset I fell in..Thanks though your right, I need to sort my head out! was struggling to pull myself together! appreciate the kick up the bum!

OP posts:

featherandblack · 06/09/2015 18:44

OP, I think Dowser is harsh. Not every man finds a distressed woman a turn-off. You have already recognised yourself that you've been depending on him a bit much and taking things out on him. It's terrifying for you now, I get that. I agree with Dowser that once he's walked like this, it's probably unhelpful to get in touch because he will be evaluating things in his own time. He needs to get to a place where he's ready. Even though it's really hard given how you're feeling, I'd also suggest that you look honestly at whether this is working for you. Don't dismiss whatever it was he said just because you're scared you lost him. You both deserve to be treated well.

Don't pretend to be something you're not. Just try and give the situation the space it needs and respect that the timing of it has to be down to both of you, not just you.

Original poster

Love2014 · 06/09/2015 19:01

Thank you featherandblack I really do love him though. I just think Im wayyyy too dependent on him to prop me up if things dont go my way.. we have had a shitty couple of years one thing after another. Most recently we came back from holiday 3 weeks ago to find we had been broken into whilst away, the house had been totally turned over and stolen our car. Its a horrible thing on its own to go through, but I lost my dad 18 months ago and still grieving for him and some of the items stolen belonged to him. I feel like life is giving us a beating. Saying all that the polar opposite we have travelled all over the world together in between all these disasters. So we have a lot to be grateful for. We have managed to get through a lot, I just think the more things have happened the more and more Ive lost myself and my independence. I do love him though, hes stood by me through a lot of crappy stuff and been there to distract me from the drama. I just want us to have some time off from crisis and just have a normal life for a while. I just wish I was stronger and didnt rely on him so much and didnt make him feel bad about himself, because I think thats whats happened. Ive needed more and more support and hes running out of it to give me. I appreciate all your advice though, my head was a wreck and blaming myself for all this, felt i guess still feeling very low

OP posts:

summerwinterton · 06/09/2015 19:56

I would advise stop messaging him.

What did he say to you that was so bad? Maybe he should be the one chasing and apologising to you, not the other way round.

Original poster

Love2014 · 06/09/2015 20:04

well he raised his voice at me in the car dealership, he was losing his paitence in front of the sales men and i didnt like it. anyway when we got in the car I started arguing with him about it, but also brought up some other things cos he can be really lazy about sorting anything out and all responsibility is on me all time for everything. Given that i didnt like the way that he spoke to me. we started having an argument in the car and I was emotional and driving so wasnt a nice situation. Anyway he called me a lier, cos I lied about my age when we first met and he brought all this stuff up from when we first met. anyway I got upset and told him I wanted him to leave for a bit when we got home. cos I didnt want us to carry on arguing, only meant a few hours. but he just hasnt come back and wont speak to me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Love2014 · 06/09/2015 20:11

Just feel really down and blaming myself, I feel like Ive destroyed our relationship. Could really burst into tears, got work tomorrow and dont know how im going to get through it. May get home and all his stuff is gone. Im just thinking the worst right now, like why wouldnt he leave me

OP posts:

summerwinterton · 06/09/2015 20:12

If he upsets you this much and calls you a liar he may be doing you a favour by leaving.

Chairmanofthebored · 06/09/2015 21:46

So you've had a row and he's flounced off. Not too unusual really. I agree he will be back. You've both had a incredibly stressful time by the sound of it, you are bound to have said awful things that you might not really mean. It's only natural. My dh and I have had blazing rows in the past like this. At the time it feels like your whole world is crumbling. I reckon he'll be back, then you can talk it through sensibly. Have you been together long?

Original poster

Love2014 · 06/09/2015 22:50

we have been together for 3 and a half years. I think the world of him. I dont want to go through a break up along with everything else. Im upset as well cos I feel like Ive really hurt him and I dont know where he is, so worried about him. worried hes giong to come to house tomorrow and just get his stuff and I will come home to it. I dont think theres really much I can do though

OP posts:

Dowser · 07/09/2015 00:03

I don't think I'm being harsh

I responded to this

I have a tendency of taking out my upset at times on him and I've rang him loads of times but he won't talk to me.

It all sounds clingy, desperate and needy.

Give him his space. Deal with it with dignity. Yes, you have had an awful lot happen . It's not nice . Just show him that you can cope . Let him make his mind up. Then you know he's coming back to you because that's where he wants to be rather than coming back because you are desperate.

Original poster

Love2014 · 07/09/2015 01:31

Well thanks guys.. Appreciate all of your advice! I haven't attempted to get in touch since just before I posted this and he walked through the door an hour or so ago. So you guys were right to say give him space. I think everything just came to a head probably been building up for a while. So thanks for the help through that. This has shown me how dependent I have become though, I wasn't always like this I lived on my own when I met him. But like I say since we have gone out some big life crappy things have happened outside our relationship and Ive struggled to deal with them and my independence has been chipped away. I've relied on him for support. This has shown me I need to sort myself out and be in a better place, so that if he does need space I don't fall apart and I can give him it. Just got to work out how to go about doing that now. Thanks for taking the time to reply and get me through this. X

OP posts:

Dowser · 07/09/2015 05:53

Thanks for the update OP and I'm pleased to hear your goodness and your insightful comments.

I used to be abereavement counsellor with Cruse and would like to suggest that you ring them up for an appointment to have some counselling re the loss of your dad, baby and yes even the losses from having your home violated.

It is a lot to handle and will help you a lot . your DP is not your ' whipping boy' . He's not there to be lashed out at if you are having a bad day in the same way that you shouldn't be used like that if he is having a bad day.

Grief affects us all differently. You have a lot of anger there and it needs to come out safely. Your counsellor should be able to help you

Good luck and I hope you will update us.

Dowser · 07/09/2015 05:54

Goodness? Good news!

Joysmum · 07/09/2015 08:47

Glad to hear the update and hope you've said that to your DH.

Flip