Should we call it a day? (Sorry, long).

[Expatwifewantsalife]

Name changed as had to de-reg after being one of the unlucky 3000 MN usernames posted on twitter. Sorry if this is long and rambly.

Married 13 years, DS1 aged 4, DS2 aged 6mths. Been together about 18 years in total. Mid 30s. We live overseas, both working. DH now on a business trip abroad for a week.

Over the last 10ish months our relationship has deteriorated to the point where I don't know what to do any more. Zero communication or affection, low level squabbling or icy politeness. No sex since November. Horrible awkward atmosphere. The situation was so bad that I suggested splitting a week before my CS with DS2. We agreed that wasn't what we wanted and that we would try to make things work. That just hasn't happened, which is as much my fault as his but I have been so consumed and exhausted with DS1who is a full-on (but lovely!) kid, baby DS2 who is still EBF and waking at night, and work.

I'm just not sure if either of us actually love each other any more. The lack of affection and support in my pregnancy and after having the baby has been so hard to take, especially as he's always been the more emotional /affectionate of the two of us.

He hates where we currently live and we're not really in a position to move right now. He also says he was depressed by our financial situation when we spoke about splitting 6+ months ago and said he was starting to see a counsellor. I doubt very much if he is still seeing her - he has form for giving up on stuff v quickly and it hadn't come up again. I haven't felt that I can ask.

Financially we're OK, not great but we get by. We are surrounded by high earners which I think magnifies his sense of financial failure. I am less bothered about money/keeping up with our high-flying friends, although I only took 2.5 weeks mat leave this time around (self employed) which was really bloody hard after a CS as I needed to get back to contributing asap.

It's now at the point where I don't think I can stand this lack of warmth in our marriage any more and so I've drafted DH an email asking if he wants to remain in the relationship which I was planning to send while he's away. I know this seems cowardly but I just have no energy for arguing or a big emotional scene and I'm sure it'll end up that way if I try to have this conversation in person.

Sorry for the long post - I'm not really sure what I'm hoping to achieve but it feels good to get it all down.

This is the saddest thing to me, re his counselling:
"I haven't felt that I can ask."

If you don't feel you can ask your partner about their health, emotional, mental or physical, how is it a partnership any longer?

How have things been this week when he's been away? Have you felt relief, or have you been more stressed dealing with the DC alone?

Thanks for the reply pocketsaviour, and you're right - it is very sad.

Generally I feel relieved when he's away, which I know is awful.

It's hard to explain - he's a genuinely wonderful dad (I know that everyone on the Relationships board always says that, but he really is totally hands-on and happily does his share and more without any complaints) and so dealing with the kids while trying to stay on top of my work is definitely harder, but in some ways feels more manageable than this God-awful strained atmosphere between us the rest of the time.

It sounds terrible, but I feel like I would have more clarity if he was a complete shit, e.g. was cheating or in some other way abusive as it would all be more clear-cut. To clarify I'm NOT wishing that he was abusive, just saying that there's no single "good" reason why we should split IYSWIM?

I am as sure as anyone can be that he's not having an affair (again, I know everyone always says THAT too) and he's not physically, verbally or financially abusive. He's not a bad man. I just don't know where we've gone so wrong.

I don't want to stay together for the kids, but I don't want to be a single mum and deprive the boys of daily contact with their dad either. It's such a fucking mess.

Would it be really terrible to send my email while he's away so that he has time to process/think about things more clearly? Or am I just being a coward?

Given you have been together for 18 years, there has been a lot of upheaval and change in the last 4 years - having 2 DC.

How was your relationship and communication before having children?

I don't want to gloss over how you feel, but I know when my DC were similar ages I posted on here, more than once, wanting to end my relationship. Not because my DH was an awful person, but because having young DC is so much bloody hard work that there were inevitable rows and strains. Now that they are older, things are so much easier. I was only saying to DH yesterday that when I look at photos of me during that 'young' period, all I can see is that I look thoroughly exhausted, and although I loved the DC at that age, I don't particularly look back on the period of my life with much affection.

If you are living abroad I imagine that also means you don't have the same support network?

Thanks Beryl - and you're right of course that living abroad is in some way harder in terms of emotional support, although in other, more practical ways it can be easier (it's common to have cleaners, childcare etc which takes the load off a bit, so I know I'm very lucky there).

Friendships here can be quite transient as people move on after a couple of years and as longer-term expats we've definitely had to constantly make an effort to sustain our friendships and create new ones. I have a close friend here but she's just been through a bitter divorce so is probably a bit biased towards splitting. My parents aren't the sort of people that I could discuss this with as they'd be devastated.

It's frustrating - people are constantly telling me how AMAZING he is for actually doing his share of parenting/not being a total lazy fucker, and yes, he is, but I feel that's the minimum anyone should expect from a partner. Big pat on the back for not being a 1950's throwback. And where's my round of applause?

Anyway, I digress.

The atmosphere is so strained now that it's unbearable, at least to me, and I'm angry that I'm the one who has to be the bad guy and try to sort things. I can't honestly believe that he's happy to carry on the way things are.

I have wondered if this is all just the upheaval of small kids paired with a LOT of moving around (5 homes in 2 countries over the last 7 years). But how do we pull ourselves out of it? And how do I know if he even really wants to, or whether he's just putting up with me because he wants to be with his kids?

I wish someone would make the decision for me, I really do.

Sorry, just realised I hadn't answered your question.

Pre-kids our relationship was, on the whole, pretty good. We would have massive blow-ups every now and then, but these would always be resolved pretty quickly and I put a lot of it down to being young and needing to both grow up a bit, which we have.

I always felt like we were on the same team and I just don't feel that any more.

Why don't the both of you go to counselling?

Is it worth trying to see if you can salvage your marriage?

Thanks Nanny0gg.

Yes, it is. I have suggested this in my email (still unsent) but I'm not sure if there's just been too much water under the bridge to put things right. Am wondering if we just got married too young, had lots of fun and now our reality is more mundane/stressful we actually have just grown up and grown apart if that makes sense? I honestly wouldn't know where to begin with counselling but if he was up for it I'd give it a go. At least then we could say we'd tried everything.

I'm also a bit wary as I've heard that counsellers here can be a bit dated in their views (my friend was basically told to be a "better wife" and to stop pestering her busy and high-flying husband with household trivialities!).