Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Questions to ask a 'mistress'

53 replies

tyres · 06/09/2015 11:36

If you were to write a letter asking a series of questions to your partner's mistress, what would you ask?

I'm interested in questions from both perspectives, ie those who have had affairs and those who's partner is having or has had an affair.

OP posts:

Stompylongnose · 06/09/2015 12:06

There's no point as the mistress and your partner are liars so you can't believe what they say.
My ex's mistress and ex used all the cheating cliches and it pissed me off greatly.

definiteissues · 06/09/2015 12:07

I also think that in the case of an affair where the man leaves the other woman there is often a lot more thought that goes into the implications than if 2 free and single people take up a relationship.
If you are the OW you both have to be really sure that this is what you want and that it can work before he leaves a marriage to be with you.
If you are 2 single people you can just try and see what happens because there aren't as many consequences if it doesn't work out.

Cabrinha · 06/09/2015 12:08

Because trying to frighten her off is pointless. Your issue is not / shouldn't be with her.
If you scare this one off, he'll find another.
And if she loves him, she'll accept the long term changes.

My ex boyfriend (NOT an affair) earned a lot less than me and had a child. I absolutely accepted willingly that "my" money would be going on activities for his child as well as mine. I didn't mind at all. Similarly, it may not put (your?) husband's lover off.

ToGoBoldly · 06/09/2015 12:09

Ah if it's going to be a full on relationship now and your relationship is over, then that's a different ballgame, but then she is no longer a mistress/other woman. But marry a mistress/create a vacancy and all that.

I doubt she has gone from being the other woman to the full time woman blindly. And even if she had, there's no point you trying to tell her, she'd probably think you are bitter and unhinged.

If their relationship is just a sexual one and will remain that way, the children/finances etc have nothing to do with her. She may not be thinking long term because she may not be interested in long term. If the guy leaves his wife but she doesn't want to be stepmum and share finances etc she doesn't have to, she can walk away.

W00t · 06/09/2015 12:10

Are you dying ,and think she'll have to bring up the children?
Or is it a case that having moved on once already (to you), your husband is off again?

Original poster

tyres · 06/09/2015 12:21

Hey all thanks for for the replies. I don't intend to give out details of my extremely stressful situation as I am not interested in being judged on how I am dealing with it. As usual most people seem to just be nosey about the details.

My OP seems vague and stilted as a result, my mistake, but I am not prepared to expand, sorry to disappoint. So will leave the thread now, maybe coming back later to marvel at the tangents it has gone off on.

Thanks to all who at least tried to answer my question.

I'll just pop off and get that novel started/file that copy now ;)

OP posts:

scatterthenuns · 06/09/2015 12:22

Please don't write the letter OP.

ExConstance · 06/09/2015 12:30

I've heard this referred to as a "lending library" relationship, by a male friend who had another woman.

Cabrinha · 06/09/2015 12:30

You may be stressed, but there's no need to be so rude!
People aren't being nosy, it's just - you know - to give useful advice it HELPS to actually know what the issue is.
So hold your sarcastic comments about tangents, hey?

You don't need to give more info that you want to - but just say so up front, and you won't look like a journalist / novelist. Whatever.

definiteissues · 06/09/2015 12:35

Details are asked for because it is hard to give advice otherwise.
Some of us have tried to answer the best we can, but without details that is difficult.
It isn't nosiness, it is needing a bigger picture.

There are many reasons for affairs and many different circumstances so it is difficult to give information without a general idea.

Fwiw I really don't think you writing a letter is a good idea.
And I'm sorry your OH had an affair

Original poster

tyres · 06/09/2015 12:46

definiteissues, I realise now that more details are needed, you're right that you can't advise without knowing the circumstances. That would involve me laying bare everything, and even then, people would misconstrue or make assumptions about my situation. That's the nature of the Relationships board though isn't it?

Thanks for your kind words :)

OP posts:

definiteissues · 06/09/2015 12:51

People could misconstrue, that is true.
But you may also find that answers are nicer as well and something could help.
I know I'd have been less blunt if I knew that it was a real situation you were dealing with rather than just a general wondering. If that makes any sense

absolutelyloveit · 06/09/2015 12:58

I'm afraid that is the nature of speaking with other people - you not being able to tell them that they can only speak about one thing. You just can't control others in that way. You could, of course, ignore the tangents!

Original poster

tyres · 06/09/2015 13:23

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut I have just re read your post at 11.48 and it made me laugh ! Angry Pen Pals - now there's a niche market which could have potential...

OP posts:

StormCoat · 06/09/2015 13:25

Well, people are assuming you are a journalist with a deadline or a romantic novelist who's stuck on an OW letter at the moment, so I don't see that you've gained by being secretive.

Plus I think that most posters on here are very accustomed to situations such as yours sounds to be - I'm assuming your DH is having a serious, ongoing affair, or has already left you for the OW, and you want him back, rather than deciding to divorce him. Hence the letter to scare off the OW.

I don't know why you think this would be so shocking. People shout 'LTB!' a lot precisely on here because many women dealing with unfaithful husbands don't immediately file for divorce. That's entirely your choice if you want to try to salvage things. Good luck, but don't write the letter.

fastdaytears · 06/09/2015 13:29

Tell you what, just give us your draft letter and we'll comment...

I understand your wish for privacy right now but it does make it difficult to help.

Based on no information at all, I wouldn't send the letter.

If your aim is to have her rethink and run for the hills so your husband comes back then your work is with him not her.
If your aim is to make sure your DC are safe and cared for with her then invite her round for a (cheap) glass of wine (or maybe not but you get the idea).
If you just want to upset her then don't waste the energy or headspace.

Sorry you're going through this.

TheStoic · 06/09/2015 13:32

Surely the questions would be specific to the situation?

What do you want to know from her, OP?

hesterton · 06/09/2015 13:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lighteningirl · 06/09/2015 13:44

Write to him and ask him the questions he's the lying cheat

oldaninpurple · 06/09/2015 14:02

OK, so presuming you two are still together by the reference to partner..... She may not want to be in a relationship with this man/your partner. She may enjoy the debauchery that comes with being a mistress and none of the sock washing, day to day dealing with stuff that comes from being in an established relationship. If she knows he's married, she is making a choice to continue the liaison despite the knowledge there is someone being treated despicably. I'd say she wouldn't really be of a mind to answer any of your questions and you would be wasting your breath, time, paper, cost of a stamp. The best revenge is living a happy life.

SomeonesRealName · 06/09/2015 16:20

Don't do it. It can seem overwhelmingly tempting when things are raw but looking back you'll be glad you didn't give them the satisfaction.

moonfacebaby · 06/09/2015 16:39

I wouldn't bother. I penned several emails to my exH's OW - never sent them.

She won't give a shit about what you think or your advice. If she was remotely bothered by that kind of thing, she wouldn't have shagged a married man in the first place.

I don't think people who get involved in affairs are the type to think - really think - about the consequences of what they are doing. It's all far too exciting & self-serving for them to possibly stop & think about how much hurt they will cause.

I'd leave her be. What has she got? A man that can lie extensively to someone he's supposed to care about. Someone who is capable of deception & cunning behaviour. Hardly a prize, is he? (This is what helped me in my dark days)....

ravenmum · 06/09/2015 18:01

I've not considered writing to the OW, as if it wasn't her it would have been someone else - my ex was looking for a mistress and I'm really not interested in the name, address or life history of the one he found, let alone wanting to know her motives or views. She must be as deluded, naive or idiotic as him, do I need to know more?

If I had to ask a question, what might it be? "Did you realise those nasty things he said about me were lies, and he might well end up saying the same kind of thing about you?" She would say "Yeah, right" in a tone of deep sarcasm, assuming that the stories were all true and that of course he wouldn't treat her the same way as they have True Love and we didn't.

I imagine your OW would reply to your question that no, she didn't think about the future: she wasn't planning on having an affair, she was just caught up in her True Love and couldn't help herself; neither of those star-struck lovers were even able to think what might happen. But of course their future together would not be the dark picture you are painting and it would all work out somehow because they are both Great People Really.

BitOutOfPractice · 06/09/2015 18:09

"Don't do it. It can seem overwhelmingly tempting when things are raw but looking back you'll be glad you didn't give them the satisfaction."

This. From bitter experience. Don't. You will end up feeling worse not better

Unless you are the OW?

Sazzle41 · 06/09/2015 21:54

Been a Mistress in my young and stupid days. I wouldnt answer a letter, I wasnt interested in anything about her, I never thought about her other than to wonder why she thought a serial shagger would changed his ways on marrying. People have patterns of behaviour that rarely change unless something earth shattering makes them see sense/the light.

Flip

1 2 3