lack of boundaries in parents (warning - possibly triggering)

[magnificatAnimaMea]

just had a discussion with DH about parents oversharing on emotional stuff. We had been watching a TV program where one of the main characters had been sexually abused as a child.

DH is from a very rock-solidly functional and sorted-out family (read: slightly too far into their own little bubble of perfection where everything is nice and anything that isn't nice isn't their problem because it's not in their family). He genuinely doesn't understand how a parent could possibly overshare emotionally, or lack boundaries inappropriately, or do both to the point of sexually abusing a child. He does understand empirically that it happens and that most perpetrators of abuse are family members. But he just can't se how. I am not sure how to get him to understand, or whether I should even try.

I was not sexually abused, but am from a very dysfunctional family with a very messed-up mother who overshared and treated me as a mix of a scapegoat and a parent figure ("you're so disgusting and nasty because you're mean to poor little me, you're like [this very long list] of [authority figures] who have been mean to me in the past" - me being "mean" being something like me behaving like a perfectly normal 8 year old. She has never understood that a parent should not behave just like a child - she doesn't really understand thinking before you speak).

I tried to explain to DH how few steps it is from being a bit self-centred and lacking boundaries, to crossing boundaries that should really not be crossed. And how easy it is to normalise behaviour once it's started. I think it's important he understands this so that he can potentially actively protect vulnerable people in the future, rather than have his head in the sand.

Just wondered if anyone had any thoughts on this.

Does he have to see HOW? It's not like he's in denial that it happens.
I absolutely know that (for example) some parents sexually abuse their children. But damned if I'll ever be able understand HOW they allow themselves to do it. I could read every research paper you could find on cycles of abuse etc, I would believe and sympathise with anyone who had suffered. But I just wouldn't ever see HOW anyone could do that.

What are you actually trying up get from your husband?

Are you trying to 'punish' him for having a happier childhood than yours?

Do you find him unsupportive about the repercussions of your own upbringing?

I don't really see what you want him to do, or why. Isn't it enough that he doesn't deny it happens, and is disgusted by it?

In some sense I think I'm interested in trying to get him to open his eyes a bit. He doesn't pick up cues on dysfunctionality at all, and is frequently taken by surprise when people divorce or something. He's not so much a black and white thinker as a just plain white thinker.

I'm not trying to get him to see the awfulness of life at every turn, just to get him to see a bit more nuance.

He is, incidentally, extremely intolerant of me saying anything about my mother being messed up. He acknowledges that she's messed up but basically i can't talk about her to him in any negative way. Generally I don't talk about her to him at all.

Since i've known DH I have realised how dysfunctional both my parents are, and many of the effects of their behaviour.

At one stage I tried to talk to DH's mother about it, and she was absolutely furious that i was "tainting" her (entirely superficial, distant social) relationship with my parents and claimed I was trying to enlist her against them unreasonably. I think it's since then that DH has refused to hear anything negative about my mother.

DH generally just waffles about totally irrelevant stuff rather than address anything difficult. Recently we went for a coffee with a friend who'd just announced he was getting divorced, and DH spent the entire 1.5 hours talking about himself and his work. Friend works in the same area at least so could get into the work discussion, but we didn't talk about the friend's life at all!

I think you should stop worrying about making him see all the issues in the world, and concentrate on the specific issue that you feel unsupported re your mother. You shouldn't be unable to let off steam on that to your partner. Although, I do think it's fair for a partner to have a tolerance level and frankly a boredom threshold no matter how much they love someone!

I think partners should offer immediate short term support "OMG she's done this now, I'm going to kill her..."

But if it's bigger than that and unresolved angst, then a counsellor is the answer, with specialist skills, not a partner.

My XH didn't say a word about his friends' divorces to them, that I'm aware of - and I don't believe he sought, or got support, from them in return. At the risk of sweeping generalisations, I don't think it's unusual for women to seek and provide far more emotional support than men.

At one stage I tried to talk to DH's mother about it, and she was absolutely furious that i was "tainting" her (entirely superficial, distant social) relationship with my parents and claimed I was trying to enlist her against them unreasonably. I think it's since then that DH has refused to hear anything negative about my mother.

That, of course, is dysfunctional in itself. Your DH actually sounds deep in denial.

It sounds like he has made it very clear that he will not support you emotionally as you deal with the fallout of your abusive childhood. You will either have to seek professional support and/or friends who are more understanding, or move on and find a partner who understands that a marriage means having your partner's back.

Your DH's family sounds dysfunctional, just in a different way. Denying that problems exist can be very damaging. Refusing to engage with you over something that affects you is very unsupportive.

I think Cabrinha makes a valid opint about partners having a boredom threshold and angst exceeding it.

Now that people mention it, I do also think his family is notably dysfunctional in that they are incapable of coping with any form of negativity.

I think I'd rather understand the steps of weakness/desperation that go from proper behaviour, via inappropriate behaviour, to utterly condemnable behaviour, than "not be able to understand" how people behave with anything less than perfection. At least I might be able to recognise weakness and stop it in its tracks before it becomes a hige problem, whereas DH's family would be blind to it until everything was out of control.

It does sound a bit that they live in a polly anna-ish bubble where everyone else's lives are rosy... They seem to have little tolerance of you presenting evidence to the contrary.

I would guess their world view is functional. It helps them deal with other aspects of their lives.

There may be many unsaid difficult histories that are being played out within this family that perhaps people outside, and sometimes people inside are unaware of...

One of the most 'perfect' families I've come across - turned out the maternal grandfather had sexually abused two generations of young children.

I'm not suggesting that this is happening in your OH family!. Just that this 'perfect' behaviour is often a functional answer to a problem, sometimes an awful one. It stops people acknowledging problems and keeps them secret!

Yes, the other family that I know that somewhat ressembles your DH's family, though their perspective was that they were the only decent in the entire world, had/has some quite serious problems that are never aired.