When someone loses adult child - tips to help

[Lightsincityu]

I'm 34 and my friend (sometimes with benefits) died by suicide in April, at 32. We'd not spoken in the last year but used to be close. I've spoken to the mother a lot since funeral. Anyone have any ideas of anything I can do to help her and comfort her? Practical or otherwise? Her husband died a while ago and she has no other children. I want to help her so much.

Thanks.

Keep in contact, if you think that's what she wants. Suggest going out and doing things together. Listen to her. Try to take the edge off her loneliness. You might get some comfort too.

I don't think you can do much, but at least nothing you do can make it worse for her.

So sorry for your loss.

Thanks. I thought after taking flowers? Is that not a good idea? My heart breaks for her so much and I just want to do all I can. I know nothing will take her pain away though.

*thought about

I don't know. With flowers, the person knows you are thinking about her, and that might comfort her a bit. On the other hand, she might not care who's thinking about her, and it might upset her to look at them - or she might get some comfort from them.

You will have to pick your way, bit by bit, trial and error. Maybe make sure she's eating and getting out? Offer to spend a night at her house? If you're doing something, invite her to come too?

Think about how involved you want to be, and how long for. A card or text now and then, the odd phone call might be enough.

Thank you for your advice. I hope I can do the right things for her. X

I was worrying about age difference - would she even want me around? She's always seeming keen to speak but can't tell if it is just being polite when I contact

Tbh I dont think anything will comfort her just being her friend will help her though so phone her or meet her for coffee/lunch just being around for her.

Light, I would take her some flowers. If your instincts are to help, then listen to them and you won't go wrong. You sound kind and sensitive, please do what you feel is the best thing for her. I am so sorry. Suicide is a a terrible thing.

Yes if you want to go and see her do it dont hold back take her flowers chat with her it will be appreciated i think

Thanks again for replys. I guess on some level, tho not serious, I cared very much for who she has lost and I just want to say to her how incredible her child was. They always had a special place in my heart. I wish I could take her pain away, she is a very very nice person.

I worry that I hadvt been speaking to her child for some time before the death. I don't know if that means she would rather not hear from me. Want to do the right thing by her and not give impression my relationship with her child was more than it was. Maybe I am over complicating and should just follow my instinct.

You were her childs friend i think you are overcomplicating a little bit but your friend died there must be a million and 1 things going through your mind

Try and be natural. Your friends Mum is NEVER ever going to get over it, why should she be expected to FFS. It is beyond devastating.
However, cruel as it is, life has to go on. Write down the date your friend did this and write down her birthday. On those days, your friends DM will be especially sad. If she gets a kind card from you or a note, I am sure that she will be cheered up that someone else is thinking of her DD.
I do that for my friends who have lost partners and children. Her children will appreciate a note but if you don't really know them, then it is going to be a one off.

After my son's death when he was 16, I was visited by his friends for a number of years. What I found most comforting was the stories of his life and relationships that I wasn't part of. It helped to hear of the funny ( and naughty!) things they all got up to and for them to share just how much he meant to them. Our house was where they all used to congregate when he was alive and we continued to do this on his Birthday and Anniversary of his death for seven years. This year I just didn't have the same need, time changes feelings...the young people themselves still met up though. It was also helpful to have words in writing and many wrote in a memory book which was given to me shortly after his death. Friends would still add to it as they remembered things. For some reason I hated getting flowers at the time but appreciated them in the later years, what I found touching was photos or words being put into frames, so very thoughtful

Thank you so much for sharing. I am so sorry for your loss.

So sorry for your loss, Notarehearsal. I am glad you got some comfort from his friends. It makes a lot of difference to know he was loved and valued by other people too, and that even though he was only around for a short time, he made his mark.

I lost my brother when he was 17, and I have also lost contact with his friends. I would love to be able to talk to them about him.

When someone dies, Lights, you feel you have to hang on to their memory through loyalty, and sometimes that makes it difficult to move on. It's early days for you, but maybe you could write down for yourself everything you can remember about this person, both good and bad. It might help you to get your thoughts in order and also to address any guilt you might feel - about not being in contact or anything else.

Also, writing about it might be useful so that your memories are uppermost in your mind when you talk to their mother, just in case she wants to hear you speak about her child (like Notarehearsal). Maybe at some point she might want to read what you have written, too.

Look after yourself too. Don't underestimate the effect this will have on you. Time changes things, and I hope you will eventually be able to move on.

I can't speak for Notarehearsal, but somehow the flowers were so in my face. It made it all so real. I felt a lot of anger about my brother's death, and for some weird, twisted reason, I think I blamed the flowers for being there ...

But not everyone is the same, and I got over the flowers and cards thing. I didn't open them at first, I just couldn't. People go through stages in the grieving process.

Lightsincityu I think it just felt so unnatural. The house was full of flowers as was the house with people, police etc (it wasn't a natural death) I'd run out of vases and the flowers kept dying as it was summer. Also I absolutely hate the smell of lillys and my poor father had to remove them and put them outside each night. Each time someone brought more Id be filled with guilt as my heart sank as I'd see these sweet young people trying so hard and spending the little money they had. Saying that my sister brought round a little olive tree. It sat in a pot for a few years until I decided to plant it outside a couple of years ago, it's now HUGE and gives me pleasure everyday

Things that my brothers friends have done in the 10 years since his death.
Went through all their pictures, and pulled together a photo album of his life after living at home.
Kept in touch for the long run. Initially there were loads of people offering support, but as weeks turned to months, others got on with their lives. Mum and Dads was still shattered.
Dropped occasional chatty emails. As time has gone on, these become bittersweet, as they are marrying, having babies. But my parents still like receiving them.
If they are passing through town (scattered through Europe), drop in for a coffee.
Flowers from mum and Dads friends turn up on the anniversary of his death, and his birthday.

Sorry,
Remember you are grieving too, and don't do anything that makes you uncomfortable.
Offer invites, but don't be upset if they are turned down, or cancelled at the last minute.

Look after yourself.