Have I wasted 5 years of my life? So unhappy...

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First of all, I have a confession to make. I'm not a mum but have been passively reading MN for a while now and have found the advice and support given here so kind and heartwarming, that I had to join...I hope that's ok?
Now on to my impasse...
I have been with my DP for just over 5 years. Our relationship got off to a very bad to start when I found out he was seeing someone else at the same time as me, even though he was the one that insisted we were bf/gf after a few weeks of dating but it soon settled and we had a good few years of happiness together (not "romantic-fantasy" happy, but happy nonetheless).
However over the last year or so things have really changed between us and I now feel so lonely and unhappy, but I just don't know what to do.
We now argue about just about anything and neither of us wants to admit when we are wrong. When we argue he often shouts, swears, puts me down and makes me feel completely worthless. He earns quite a bit more than me and at almost every argument he will mention the fact that he pays for the house we live in, bills and will make me feel guilty about the fact that I would not be able to afford to live where we do without him (I contribute to rent/bills but because he pays more into them than me, the house and everything in it are his in his view).
Because he is more senior than me at work, everything about my work life is unimportant to him because only his schedule matters and irrespective of how much of a bad/busy day I've had, his has been worse or busier (with more important things, in his view!).
I'm so tired of being undermined and made to feel like the things that happen to me don't matter or are less important to what happens in his "more important" life. I can never rely on him to be home to see to our dogs, as even if I'm stuck in a meeting or working away from home, if I call him to say I was running late and ask him to see to our dogs for me, he will have a massive argument with me and will refuse to come home early because his work, gym or golf schedule come first and I just have to deal with it.
We hardly ever do anything as a couple as he will criticise/refuse to do most things I suggest but will offer no alternative, yet will go out of his away to arrange anything and everything with his friends e.g. have been trying to arrange a holiday for us this year and have suggested every place you can imagine in the world and he's not interested, yet I found out today (from someone else) that he has booked to go away with his mates for the second time this year at the end of this month, but hasn't even told me about it.
To make matters even worse our sex life is completely inexistent - we've had sex once this year and only a few times last year, after I gave up trying to initiate sex with him as he would (humiliatingly) constantly turn me down.
Despite all this, there is still a part of me that loves him and wants to make our relationship work. But I can't help but think that if I'm this unhappy now, I will probably be even unhappier if we stay together and eventually find ourselves married, with children and I realise that I'm stuck in a relationship with someone who clearly doesn't love me, who only thinks of himself, doesn't see me as an equal, isn't affectionate, doesn't compromise, isn't supportive (if he cba coming home to feed/walk our dogs, there's no way he will help me with childcare).
Am I just kidding myself? Should I just give up and try to find happiness elsewhere? I'm so tired of feeling undermined and unloved and honestly can't understand why I have stayed with him for so long, but at the same time I feel like such a failure because he doesn't seem to love me back.

PS: There is so much more that has happened between us to make me feel this unhappy but I don't want to bore you anymore than I already have, I'm sure...

You haven't wasted five years. But - staying will be a waste of your future. You deserve to be happy. You deserve better than this. Thank goodness you don't have dc with him.

If you make moves to leave, he may promise change (and probably offer more commitment and dc), but don't fall for it - he has shown you who he is.

There are better futures out there for you.

I think you already know the answer OP ...............

Look forward and go to meet your future.

You've not wasted 5 years, you'll have learnt from the bad times to make the next relationship better and enjoyed the good times. It'll have shaped who you are now.

You will be wasting your future though if you stay in an unhappy relationship with no hope.

I can't see anything to stay for. Bet he won't like it when you try to leave though so be prepared.

I think you should run a mile. As chottie says, don't waste your future x

Writing that was so hard because I think today was the first time that I've realised just how much is wrong with our relationship. Because we have a few "good days" I have been trying to convince myself that all the things that are wrong with us are just normal issues that all couples go through. But you are all so right, I really need to move on and allow myself to have a better future. I just wish he hadn't made me feel this shit about myself ... it genuinely feels like he stays with me to have someone to use as a punchbag :(

Are you renting or buying together and whose name(s) are on the tenancy agreement/mortgage?

This relationship has clearly run its course, but what you've learned from it has ensured that the years you've invested in it cannot be said to have been wasted.

End it now before it becomes even more unhealthy than it is and put some time into regaining your self-respect and having fun as a single woman before you look to couple up with another man.

As it seems you're both employed by the same organisation I also suggest you give some consideration to looking for another job, but if you're intent on staying put workwise there's no reason why you can't facilitate an amicable split unless, of course, he's become so accustomed to using you as his emotional punchbag/scapegoat/whipping boy that he behaves like a toddler who's been deprived of his dummy.

Gosh it sounds completely miserable. A few good days don't make up for that!

We are only renting at the moment and only his name is on the tenancy agreement, which is up for renewal at the end of October. As we work for the same company I think things will be awkward if we break up, but I'm not willing to leave my job just yet. I'm doing really well at work at the moment and I refuse to give that up.
Seeing your reactions has really opened my eyes....I can't believe how stupid I have been. I'm in no way perfect and I accept that a lot of the problems in our relationship are probably my fault, but the way he has treated me has made me feel so unhappy and unwanted. I would give anything to understand what is it about me that has made him treat me and act this way.

it genuinely feels like he stays with me to have someone to use as a punchbag

Yes, I think he does. But that reflects poorly on him, not you.

Put simply he doesn't think of women as equals. He's shown little respect for you right from the early days of the relationship. The real question is why you don't think you deserve any, since that's what's holding you in this purgatory. You absolutely do deserve to be treated with respect, to be loved and valued. All the time you are with this pompous prick you are denying yourself the opportunity to find someone who will treat you well. But more than that, you are failing to treat yourself with respect and love. The first step is to value yourself.

He sounds unhappy too so time to end this relationship I think. Best wishes for the future.

He sounds like a knob

I'm not a mum either but got excellent advice about bad relationships here. Being on your own is much better than being with someone who does not have your best interests at heart. Get out and feel alive again.

You really deserve so much more. He's horrible to you, and you really should leave him. Put it into perspective, if this is how things are now being married and having a family with him will destroy you. The 5 years have gained you experience and more certainty about what you should expect from a relationship. He's suppose to love and be there for you. You know what you need to do. Good luck. X

If your tenancy ends in October I would suggest that you make plans to leave a week before. That'll give you time to find somewhere else. It won't improve, but luckily you've seen now, not after kids xxx

Keep writing things down. It will help you make sense and strengthen your resolve to leave. Think how you`ll feel if you wasted another 5 years? How old are you?

You may feel like you've wasted 5 years of you life but as pp have said, imagine wasting another 5 years, then another and another.
Do you feel like the relationship can be saved?
That would mean both of you resolving issues together and working towards a better future. If not, you need to be seriously considering how you're going to make the next 5 years better.
You are just as important, good luck

Don't consider the last 5 years a waste. Consider them a learning curve and insist on better treatment from your next partner.

You are not on the tenancy you can leave tomorrow without any comeback. If you are feeling generous and kind you can give him notice that you are leaving. I would worry he may try and kick you out and you have no right to stay though so would sort new accommodation before telling him.

If the idea of blame is making you guilty, remember there doesn't have to be blame when ending a relationship.

You could throw 2 of the nicest people on earth together but if they aren't compatible then it won't work. (My parents are an example of that).

In this situation, I would pack my things when be is at work, leave without a word. I feel he wants you out of his life. Make the decision for him and go.

Is he depressed.

I think the OP has more right to be depressed than he does! He's out at the gym, golf, great job then comes back to OP and gives her shit for just about everything.

if I were you I would just leave and don't look back, because it won't get any better after him treating you like this for 5 years. You deserve better!

There's a thing called the sunk costs fallacy - Google it. It's basically a logical error we make that hey, we've invested so much time/money /effort in something that we may as well carry on. It's responsible for an awful lot of human relationship misery. And terribly overspent IT/engineering projects ;)

You can't change or get back the last five years but your future starts now. Get out while you can and don't look back. Take all the lessons you've learned in those last five years, think carefully about them and apply them.

I left someone I was with for almost 8 years and was close to marrying. He wasn't a knob like your oh either, bit thoughtless perhaps but generally a decent bloke. It just gradually dawned on me that spending the rest of our lives together would be a terrible thing to do. Leaving was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I never regretted it.

I was single (happily) a couple of years then met my wonderful dh.

I look at it like this : yes, you can look back on your life and see all the dumb mistakes you made and the things you should have done better. None of it can be changed but all of it can be learned from and all those bad steps and errors got you where you are and made you who you are, so you should be grateful for them.

I left a partner after 5 years who constantly put me down and made me feel small. I invested all this time in him, waiting for him to commit. Then one day I realised I could do better, so I ended the relationship. I spent a year being single, worked hard to buy my own home, got a promotion at work, went out more with friends, and when I was ready started dating again. I met my amazing fiancé two and a half years ago, we are getting married next year and have a gorgeous baby (fast I know but it's right for us!)

Best decision I ever made getting out when I did. Those 5 years weren't wasted; they needed to happen to get me where I am today. I knew I wasn't going to settle for anything less than I deserve in my next relationship, and I haven't.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

Thank you for all your replies. Some of them have been so hard to read (especially yours tribpot) because they are exactly what I need to hear and what I should be telling myself, but haven't.

I honestly don't think that our relationship can be saved anymore, as I can tell that despite my best efforts he just doesn't want to try. Whenever we argue he always finds a way to make it out like I'm the problem (I nag, I want too much from him, I'm this, I'm that) and although I always compromise and more often than not apologise for something I didn't even do, he never does.

The lack of affection is also to me a clear sign that he doesn't want to do this anymore... He used to use the excuse of "I can't be affectionate/have sex with you when we are constantly arguing" which I believe for a while. But even during our "happy" spells he never seems interested in me (and I also know that he constantly looks at porn behind my back, even though he knows that I abhor it)

I'm only 27 Sallyhasleftthebuilding and I just don't think that I should be this miserable in my 20s. I should be out having a good time with someone who appreciates my company and not sitting at home, on my own, day in day out waiting for him to want to do something with me, which usually only happens if he's not: playing golf, out with his friends or doing anything else he wants to do instead of being with me. Even when he's home I struggle to get his attention, as he's usually on his phone/pc either working or just too busy looking up random crap on the internet to have a conversation with me.

It is nice to hear that some of you managed to leave unhappy relationships and have found DPs who love you and are now happy. I just really hope that somewhere out there there is someone for me too...

The problem with compromising too much is that it squashes your personality, you cant be who you are, in fear of another row. Why are you sat at home anyway? If hes out why arent you? Get cracking, leave him, be happy.