Texting an ex

[Rebby12345]

We broke up at the end of last year after he left for a work colleague.
They are still together after she ended her marriage although don't seem to be rushing into a relationship of openness and seriousness.

For a few months I couldn't stop calling and texting asking for answers ... This subsided and for the most part we didn't talk other than at drop offs or for arrangements to be discussed it was all very neutral though.

Lately we seem to be getting on well again and although we are not in constant contact we do speak two or three times a week ( usually just a quick text from me about something we've done in the holidays or a picture etc) will spark a whole evening of conversation that is usually then started by him.
It's nothing flirty, more just about life and sometimes we laugh and it's just nice. I'm very careful to remain neutral as I don't want anything untoward to be said or hurt his current partners feelings although she was less than considerate towards mine.

I guess what I trying to say is, is it possible to be friends with an ex without crossing the line or is some bodies feelings going to be hurt in the long run ?

Why do you want this contact?

Not sure really.
My biggest gripe in the whole split is parenting alone and having nobody to share it with it, also that my children and their father are missing out on so much.
Sometimes I just update with things such as new school uniform costs, or acheivments.

I guess it's guilt although this wasn't my choice and I quite enjoy letting him know what they have been up to etc.

I wouldn't give him the time of day myself from what you've said.

Yes, it's possible.

But it can take a hell of a long time before it is anything like a normal, unstrained friendship.

A year seems unrealistically rapid (as you mention child-wrangling arrangements, which suggests your XP was on the scene for quite a while).

Then I'd just keep it friendly and about the kids. It is possible to have a co-parenting relationship that works. Just don't let it cross beyond those boundaries. Best of luck!

My ex left in similar circumstances 18 months ago. He is also now living with OW. Like you, somehow we are now pretty amicable, drop offs aren't strained affairs, I will text him in the week sometimes with photos of the kids etc. Occasionally if he calls to speak to the DC we will have a bit of a chat and a laugh. But I'm.very careful not to cross the line, I don't think of him as my friend and there's also still a part of me that doesn't want to make things 'easy' for him by giving the impression that everything is totally fine and we're all great mates now. For example he's sometimes offered to do things round the house for me, or invited me out for lunch with him and the DC when it's his weekend and I always say no. I don't want to play happy families and let him think that he can have it all- family fun with me and the DC and 'adult' fun with his new girlfriend. I won't forget that he broke my heart and shattered my DC's lives.

Just be careful, and be amicable but distant.

I have the same he offered to spend a day all together a few weeks ago and is forever offering to things around the house for me when he drops the children off, offers to go to the shop etc....
Sometimes I think that he just testing the water to see if there is away back across the mess he has caused others I just think he's being personable.

I think, certainly in my ex's case, it's guilt. Trying to convince himself he's still a decent bloke standing by his family when in reality he left them for a quick shag. I think also, for all my ex's talk about needing a 'new life', he still misses family life sometimes. He'll come in for a cup of tea and start doing things like watering the plants, unloading the dishwasher etc I have to tell him to stop through gritted teeth as it really annoys me.

Whenever I start having slightly warm feelings towards him I just remember the time he left me crying my eyes out on the floor, with no job and a 5yo and 3yo to look after, while he told me he 'deserved a new life' and walked out the door. That usually cures me!

To be brutally honest more than likely he's realising that the grass perhaps isn't greener, regrets his actions and he's reserving a place in your affections for if he leaves her and wishes to return with his tail between his legs but I'm synical.

He should have put you and the kids first, that's going to be hard to forgive, until your in the right place for you where you no longer need or want him in your life and your genuinely happy I'd hold off on friendship beyond what it necessary for your children. To me it seems like your not quite there...

Enjoy the freedom him having them gives you, go out try new things, meet new people and have fun. Your worth so much more than him Hun, don't let him be a factor in your life or hold you back from moving on xxxx

Do you think they ever regret what they have done .
Scarily similar to my situation even down to children's ages.
I don't particularly miss him just the extra parent and the enjoying children together with someone etc.

Definitely, he'll have regrets for all he misses out on with his children. He gave up a happy familiar relationship for the excitement of an affair. Console yourself that one year in the same sex goddess he ran off with is likely slobbing about in a onesie wearing last nights make up and nagging him to put the bins out .
He's probably realising it's not all it's cracked up to be and just how much he lost to get it. Xx

Rebby I really don't know. I know my ex misses the DC a lot, at least sometimes... Usually after he's spent a few days with them he will be sending me constant texts for a few days saying 'tell them how much I miss them' etc. And once he totally broke down in tears, when we were discussing mutual friends, saying how noone spoke to him anymore and noone understands it was hard for him too. But I found it very hard to be sympathetic.

I think one day my ex might look back and realise what an idiot he was. Probably when his new 10 years younger girlfriend leaves him for some other sucker. But maybe I'm just bitter

I totally understand the missing having someone to share parenting with etc. I try to get over that by texting family and friends, seeing lots of friends and visiting family. It's hard and it's lonely. I've also started dating again, which has it's ups and downs but provides a welcome distraction!

Don't let him worm his way back into your affections. Stay strong