I'll try and keep this short.
DH and I have been together for 9 years and have 3 DC. We've been through an awful lot over the years but have always muddled through one way or another.
DH has depression and has for a number of years. I've tried my hardest to be there for him and support him in getting help. This has been hit and miss, with him not seeking any help for long periods, but he is currently being treated at the moment and seems to have finally found an antidepressant that works for him. He has missed a lot of work this past year and has only recently returned on a phased return, as he is no longer receiving sick pay. He has been going in when scheduled but this week missed the only day he was due to be in, because the day before (on our wedding anniversary) we argued as he hadn't bothered to cook anything for tea despite my being in work all day and he had had the day to himself, so he decided he just wasn't going in.
This past year has been littered with arguments, our sex life has almost ceased to exist over the past few months. He asks me to masturbate him or to have sex with him quite a lot, but I just don't want to. There are a number of reasons for this and I'm finding myself becoming less and less attracted to him because of arguments, we've both put on weight etc. I have also suffered from depression since last year but after changing jobs a few months ago, reducing my commute from a 70 mile round trip a day to a 5 minute drive from home, it has settled down quite a bit. My DH hates his job but isn't really looking for another at the moment, partly due to not being bothered and partly because he doesn't want to have to explain his time away from work.
All of this has left me angry with him. I've given a lot of myself over the past year, I limited the amount of time I was signed off work because I only got SSP, whereas he got full pay for 3 months before going down to SSP. I made myself go back before I was ready because we needed the money. I'm the only one that drives so I run everyone around to where they need to be before I go to work etc. When he has been off work I have dropped the DCs off and picked them up by myself every day and got them dressed. DH will tidy up, but sometimes I've come home and he's done nothing but play on his computer all day. As soon as the house is tidied it becomes a tip again in a day and it just feels like a never-ending cycle.
Today we have argued again. I bought something yesterday when we were out shopping and he told me to get two packs because he wanted some, so I bough 3. I find out this morning he's eaten two of the packs I bought so I've had a go at him. It's not the first time he's done something like this, it's like sometimes he can't control himself. Sometimes I've bought stuff for all of us which I've come to have some of a few days later and they're all gone. He'll then go on about how he's in the house all day (when he was off work) and he needs to eat. Anyway, I started having a bit of a rant about how I was fed up he just ate stuff and that he couldn't control himself etc and he just started saying no and banging his fists on his computer desk, which now has a crack in it (hooray for ikea desks). So I've come upstairs away from him.
Part of me really wants to leave, I threatened to do so a number of weeks ago as I was fed up with him promising to go back to work and not doing so, as well as his attitude, but he seemed to clean his act up a little bit. The house is in his name, we're in debt, both low paying jobs and not close enough to family. I don't have anywhere else to go and don't want to leave the Dc, but at the same time this isn't a good environment for them to be growing up in. Part of me wants to love him again like I used to, but part of me really doesn't like him sometimes. I don't know what to do anymore, I'm just fed up with everything and am very aware I sound harsh about his depression, but I can't keep doing this. If he doesn't go back to doing his phased return next week then we are screwed. Ugh. Im sorry this has turned out longer than I wanted it to. If you got this far then thank you for reading.